childhood memories

chapter 23

As Laurence walked me home, his coat on my shoulders and our hands linked I couldn't help but smile.
I'd grown cold with the dark sky, afterall having no t-shirt beneath this airy hoodie made it rather chilly.
He couldn't stop smiling either, watching me like some sort of jewel.
"Stop looking at me like that"
I giggled
"I can't"
He replied, resting a hand on my hip, pulling me in close as we walked.
"Your too stunning~"
He kissed my cheek
"Stoooop~"
I smiled.
He walked me home from then on, simply enjoying the silence and the gentle taps of our shoes against the pavement.
Oh how beautiful it was...the romance, the bliss...how my heart thumped within my chest.
It made it hard to breathe yet I craved for it as if wielding another within my clentching stomach, the grasping fingertips clasping onto the love and draining it of all morals.
I was his now...his to love and nurture...hm, but dad he...
Why does he have such a hatred towards men like me...them that can't help but find companionship with another male.
It's love, MY love...not his.
My heart is mine to give, I choose who gets it.
Not some drunken, abusive, homophobic.
If he did find out, so what?
He can beat me, lock me up, send me away...but once my lips met a mans...my future was already made.
Now I will have someone's shoulder to cry on, someone who will be there for me... because even men need to cry...heh, dad doesn't believe in that.
'It should be the bitches on their knees scrubbing and cooking, not a man, we are strong and independent!'
He would grumble.
It's 2019... that's not even a thing anymore, equality IS...whether he likes it or not people are allowed to express themselves however they wish.
That's why I'm doing this.
I'm not like my father, I NEVER WILL BE.
Not as long as I'm with Laurence and a blood pulses through my veins.
As we arrived home he removed the coat and smiled.
"I'll uhm...see you at school?"
He smiled
"Sure"
I nodded
He didn't dare kiss me goodbye in front of my house, a mere smile said it all.
After that he went on his way, a loveable sigh escaping my lips while I calmly walked inside.
I unlocked the door behind me and set the keys down on the side.
All the lights were out yet I could still maneuver my way across the furniture and upstairs to my room.
Mum and dad mustn't have noticed me go...
"Hm"
As I set foot in my room, the floorboards creaking quietly, I noticed the odd silence of my brothers sleeping.
I was at least used to hearing snoring, but no...all silent.
Putting my phone on change and soon getting unchanged I looked to Zane's bed, my startling realization of him watching me sending a shudder down my spine.
He only glared, as if threatened.
I merely ignored him and layed down on my mattress, letting my eyes drift closed.
As I hugged to the blankets I could feel my conscious floating off, a soft haven in which it fled to, awaiting my arrival.
It felt as if I was flying, my body cushioned with warm pillows and guided upward into the chasms of the mind.
And it is there I play my game, run my maze, make an aim.
With each turn comes new challenges as so with new consequences ricocheting back and forth in an endless cycle.
My thoughts, my wishes, my dreams all in one, I embraced them lovingly.
I never usually experienced dreams, and if I ever did it was on an extremely rare occasion.
But today was different...it was new, a field of buttercups as far as the eye could see, putting to rest the dieing sun.
The sky was a mild orange, caressed softly with a tint of a dark pink.
I walked through, brushing my hands gently through the field as all that surrounded me was flowers.
Buttercups.
Daffodils.
Roses.
You name it.
All was there to witness my joy unfold.
I could feel the sun burn gently at my skin, the tears dwelling in my eyes ceasing to exist within this haven.
Here, I am in control, no worries, no problems, only calmness, peaceful silence.
As I layed within the flowers butterflies sprouted out the way of my figure to dance gracefully through the warm air, the graduate realization setting upon me with the sun.
...
Something wasn't right...I was alone, in the void...w-where are my brothers?
I watched the stars ignite within the sky miraculously, the constant taunting thought of my missing brothers soon forcing me up to my feet.
Night had fallen and all flowers had shriveled up.
"Zane?"
I spoke, the voice echoing
"Vylad?!"
I added before gradually beginning to search for them, my heart thumping loudly against my throat.
By time I realized I was screaming for them, each and every once blooming plant having been stomped into the ground by my panicked frenzy.
No matter where I looked, darkness, my hands of pure grey, drained, worthless, meaningless, a wasted canvas!
My jaw unhinged as I screamed, tears wilting from my sockets.
I ripped at my hair, peeling it away.  Searching, panicking.
"P-Please!"
I must find them, they're too w-weak to be alone!
Taring at my flesh I stripped myself to the bone, and still, they were no where to be found.
My heart ached and heaved, shaking me about like some sort of mad ragdoll.
First came out my eyes, poked out by two large needles and tossed aside.
Then my, stomach, liver and bladder (including the gallbladder), removed and filled to the brim with oozing pus all while I watched with a stuck smile.
My Thyroid had been ripped from my bloody throat with my screams vibrating from the box, utter agony in each breath.
Yet I felt nothing.
After that was my lungs, expanded to the point of exploding my brittle ribcage wide open.
As my kidney dropped from its origin it dangled by my privates as they too were removed.
By time that had been done it was only my intestines, spleen and pancreas left...all of them had now been used to tie me up against a low cross much like a scarecrow.
I could feel my heart gradually slowing down, draining me alive.
And still, I couldn't find my brothers...No matter how insane my mind was.