Silver Roses [h.f-t. & j.l.] (ON HOLD)

Chapter 10 - Lessons Learned

lessons learned - ray lamontage

"They say a good man can be alone with his thoughts. Alone, but never lonely. He who is comfortable with himself, with no self-hatred, no regrets, no could have beens. I strive to be that person. But for now, I am not. Because I am never truly alone in my thoughts. You're always in my thoughts with me, haunting me, making me feel alone."

hero

Time seemed to speed up and slow down again as I watched the truck drive away from Maris. My mind felt like a whirlwind as I tried to comprehend what just happened between us. I'm a hundred percent sure that for a second she wanted to kiss me back. The way her finger had dug in my skin and her breath had quickened but it seemed like as quick as it came it went again, causing her to push me away from her as if I was burning her skin.

In her eyes, I could see the same confusion and surprise that I felt and was still feeling right now. It felt like minutes passed until I finally took a deep breath, running my hands through my hair and tugging at the roots, almost convinced my legs would give out under me and I would crush to the floor and lie there until someone came looking for me.

„Hero." I turn my head at the mention of my name, being met with Kit's light eyes staring at me from the backdoor.

„You okay? You look like you have seen a ghost or something." She continues and I shake my head, walking over to her.

„How long have you been standing there?" I ask her carefully and she sighs, the look she was giving me already telling me the answer.

„I was gonna pretend I didn't see anything but..." She starts, trailing off.

„Just tell me." I sigh and she nods.

„Listen, women can tell more about men than you would think. And they want to be taken care of. And when they notice that the man can't even take care of himself-"

„What are you talking about?" I cut her off, growing more irritated by the second. I have been through this conversation before, I know where this is heading.

„It's simple." Kit said, crossing her arms in front of her and cocking her head to the side. „You just have to want to take care of yourself. It's all in the mindest." I felt my insides swell as she continued. „Feed yourself love, and she will be able to tell."

It was frustrating to hear that over and over and over again from so many people. It was frustrating to not know what the fuck this was supposed to actually mean when it's supposed to be so fucking ‚simple'. This whole conversation was frustrating.

„Can we cut it with the self-love bullshit?" I finally blurted out, my voice louder than I had anticipated and Kit looked at me like I had just slapped her across the face. I suppose to her it seemed that simple if she didn't really know what was going on. And she didn't and even though that's not her fault something inside me snapped and some of the confusion I was feeling towards this whole thing with Josephine turned into anger towards Kit.

„Besides the fact that this has absolute fucking nothing to do with any of this, stop talking about it like it's a fucking shirt I can just buy at the mall because it's not." I was motioning with my arms as I talked and Kit took a step back. „I can't just wake up one day and decide 'I'm gonna love myself today'. It Isn't that simple."

„Hero, I-" She tried to get in but I shake my head, continuing.

„How can I possibly love myself when, for as long as I can remember I've seen myself and others for that matter, as the biggest enemy?" I could feel my chest tightening again and my breath was getting stuck in my throat. Kit's facial expression had changed to one of pure pity, a look I had received so often in the last 6 years that I couldn't stand it anymore.