If Walls Could Talk (Adamtina)

Chapter 2

A part of Christina wanted to walk into the ocean and never come back.
"I just want you to know I'm gonna get it out of you eventually." Adam's sudden words sliced through Christina's thoughts, sending them fluttering to the ground.
She glanced up at him. He was looking down at her, but he didn't look angry this time, in fact he was almost smiling.
"Get what out of me?" She asked under her breath, even though she knew the answer.
"The reason why you're abandoning me on my big day."
"Stop saying that!" Christina was shocked at how quickly and abrasively she spat the words out. How rude they sounded. But it was too late.
"Whoa..." Adam stopped mid-step and gently grabbed Christina's arm to make her stop too. "What did I say?"
"Just please stop saying 'big day' and 'best day of your life' or whatever, okay?" Christina managed to make eye contact with him for a split second before she took off down the beach again, with Adam hot on her heels.
"What? Are you alright?" His question was answered with nothing but the sound of Christina's heavy breathing as she fought to cool herself down. He persisted. "Chris... what are you talking about?"
Christina stopped and span around so fast it literally made Adam fall back on his heels a little. "I just don't want you to say stuff like that to me," she said, her blue eyes flashing. "Just don't."
She went to leave again but Adam grabbed her wrist, a little harder than the last time.
"Christina, you're freaking me out," he said, his face flushing with bewilderment.
Great. Claire makes him so blissfully happy he wants to marry her, and I freak him out.
"I just don't know how you can stand there and tell me, of all people, that this is the most important day of your life." Christina could hear the cracks in her voice begin to appear under the pressure of her inevitable tears. She wanted to shake herself.
For a moment, Adam just stood there, his jaw falling open, before he looked out to the sea as he shifted from foot to foot. After what felt like hours of agony to Christina, he looked back at her again as she just stood there blinking her tears away. She thought of a ton of things she wanted to say and none at all. It had been so long since they'd talked like this; even mentioned anything that related to their past at all. She'd forgotten how to talk about it.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to say anything to upset you." Adam's voice was so sincere and gentle that it only made Christina feel worse. She just stood there nodding like an idiot as she stared at the sand below her feet, wishing she could slip between the grains and disappear. She could hear Adam breathing heavily.
She was waiting for more. Maybe at this point he'd start to get it. Maybe hearing her say that would make him realize that she still wasn't over him and it would inspire something in him too. But he just stood there.
"I really don't know what to say, Christina."
She wanted to reply but nothing came out.
Adam gulped hard. "I mean... I thought you had my back on this."
Her eyes flicked up to his. "Had your back?"
Adam was just staring down at her. Not unkindly, but not exactly lovingly either. In fact, he still looked a little miffed.
"I thought you supported me on this. On my decision to get married."
Christina's face crumpled. "Of course I support you," she said, hardly speaking the truth. "But that's not exactly crucial, I mean, who cares what I think about whether you get married? It's got nothing to do with me." Her voice was deepening; something that only happened to her when she was speaking words that weren't really hers; words that felt forced.
"Well, you're my best friend, and I really can't do something this huge if I feel like you don't think it's right. It just feels weird."
Christina's head was swarming. She never knew her opinion on it mattered to him this much. It made her feel guilty; like she was being a bad friend, or some sort of home-wrecker. He was looking at her with such concern and confusion that it cornered her. "Adam, I never said I didn't think it was right."
But I don't think it's right. Fuck, just be honest with him, Christina.
"But you don't want to come to the wedding."
Christina groaned in frustration. "Why is it so important to you that I come?"
"Because you're my best friend."
Ugh! Stop saying that! It suddenly sounded so horrifically inferior. Like being his best friend was the absolute worst thing she could be.
"And if you don't come, it makes me think you don't support it."
"Of course I support it," Christina lied, knowing she wasn't speaking the truth, but forced into a corner and trying to minimize the damage she was doing. "I've always supported your relationship."
No you haven't. You've even wished for it to end, stop lying to yourself and to him.
"Then?" he was challenging her.
"Adam, please... you're pushing me," Christina almost whimpered.
He stepped in so close to her that for a taunting moment, she actually thought he was going to kiss her.
"Christina..." Adam said, his voice becoming soft again. "I don't want to get married without you there."
And it was like the weight of his words crashed into her with the force of a thousand tsunamis.
I don't want to get married without you there.
His words were so heartbreakingly close to what she really wanted to hear, it made her ears scream. She wanted to be there. She wanted to be there so badly it made her insides squirm. She wanted to be the one walking down the aisle to him; seeing him standing at the end of it, watching her with a half-smile, his hazel eyes ablaze with love.
But that's not what he meant. It's so far from what he meant.
"And you can really get married in front of me... It wouldn't bother you at all..." Christina's voice sounded accusing, but she was genuinely shocked that he just wasn't getting her on this. Did she imagine their whole relationship? How freaking in love they were at one point?
"Why would it bother me?" Adam's question sounded so genuine it was almost insulting.
Christina felt her heart pinch with pain. "Well, I guess that answers that."
"Chris..." Adam grabbed her hand, which felt as if it froze under his touch. She wanted so badly to relish in the warmth of his fingers closing around hers again, but her stupid hand went totally numb.
"Is it honestly weird for you? Coming to my wedding?"
Hearing him say it out loud made her heart hurt. That he would even need to ask.
"It's not weird for you?" Christina returned, her entire being suddenly held hostage to his answer.
Please say yes. Please. I don't know what I'll do if you say no.
For the longest time, Adam just stood there looking down at Christina, his face studying hers. She felt like centuries passed before he finally answered her.
"It's a bit weird, sure." His voice was so soft that she almost didn't hear what he said. She felt relief restore her spirit just a little. "Of course it's a bit weird."
Christina looked up at Adam and their eyes met. And for one perfect, stolen moment they shared something truly electric. Something deep that had long been buried. She thought for a moment he might say something more; that he might elaborate on what he'd just revealed. But as fast as it came, the spark between them died out again as Adam looked away.
"But I still really want you to come."
Christina's heart sunk. What a fool she was. Thinking that these few dumb words would actually have any resonance at all; make him think for even a moment that he might be making a mistake.
"I'm not coming, Adam." Christina said it flat; deadpan. If anything, this conversation was making her even surer of that.
She looked up to see his reaction and her eyes were met with a sudden burst of anger.
"Well thanks, Christina..." he almost spat the words. "Thanks a fucking lot for your friendship on this." He went to walk away before Christina stopped him with her words.
"Don't make me do this, Adam!" He spun around to look at her, his face twisting into a frown.
Christina eyeballed him; energized by her own confidence, by her own admissions. The truth had power in it, she was realizing, even if it wouldn't change the outcome.
"I've stood there and watched you with this girl for the past year." Adam's bottom jaw fell slightly open as he stood there in disbelief.
"Please, don't make me watch you look her in the eyes and say your vows to her. Please." The last word barely made it out of Christina's mouth as the fountain of tears finally started to fall.
Adam just stared at her, his mouth hanging open.
"Christina, I -" his words drifted off to nothing. "I can't believe what you're saying..." He looked so genuinely shocked Christina actually felt bad for him.
She went to reply, but her thoughts were so muddled up she couldn't collect them. So for several endless minutes they both just stood there in silence.
Adam shifted his weight, suddenly needing support for his body. "I didn't realize, I - I thought you were over it."
She looked up at him, their eyes meeting.
"Of course I'm not over it." Her voice was so soft it was almost a whisper. She was trying so hard to read his face, but he was coming up blank. All she could do was hope - pray - that he felt the same way too.
"In case you didn't know, you're a pretty hard act to follow, Adam." She tried to work up a small smile of encouragement, but it barely registered on her face.
And he was a truly impossible man to replace. Every date she'd been on since they'd broken up had been a total bust. Some of the guys had been really great; a total catch for anyone else. But none of them were Adam.
He just stood there and looked back at her, the faintest trace of something familiar crossing his face. She could have sworn it was the sort of look he used to get right before he'd brush her hair from her eye and tell her he loved her. But maybe she was projecting that. She really didn't know and the uncertainty of it made her feel sick.
She kept waiting for him to respond, but he just kept looking down at her, his face blank.
Christina didn't know if she should ask the next question, but she just couldn't help it... it needed so badly to be asked.
"Are - are you? ...Over it?" Christina gulped hard before she gathered up enough courage to look back up at him. It was as if time stopped as they watched each other, and Christina almost wanted it to. To never have to hear the possible answer that would crush her into a thousand pieces, never to be put back together the same way again.
Finally, Adam looked down at the ground and licked his lips. Christina's heart pounded.
"Chris, I - I'm with someone."
She felt her heart begin to explode. But not quickly and neatly... it was happening painfully slowly, like slow motion.
"I know you are..." she managed to reply, her throat tight and hoarse. Of course she knew that. "But -" Christina went to speak before Adam cut quickly back in.
"And I love her."
Christina felt such pain suddenly engulf her, for a moment she just stood there wavering, literally blown back by his words.
But instead of hurting him, of hitting him, of shouting at him, she just stood there totally still and let her tears glide down her cheeks as he continued speaking.
"I don't want to hurt you by saying that... and oh god babe, please, don't cry... but I just think that - I just can't -"
"Please, don't say anything more," Christina cut in over him, her voice breaking in two pieces. Through eyes blurred with tears she saw Adam moving towards her, but she took a step back, which signaled him to stop.
"Don't. I literally can't stand here and listen to you tell me all the reasons why you love her and not me." Christina was now bawling in front of him.
"Christina -"
"No!" She was shocked at how firm her voice sounded as Adam looked at her, his face crestfallen. "I can't hear this..."
"Christina! I don't get this... I don't get you..." Adam stepped in closer to her and this time she was just too devastated to move back. He looked down at her, so close now their bodies were almost touching.
"Why now? Because I'm getting married?" He was asking a question that was coming out more like an accusing statement, as he became increasingly more fervent.
"No, I've been -" Christina tried to answer but he wasn't having it.
"You broke up with me, Christina..." His face was swarming with confusion, with pain. "It fucking killed me. I honestly never thought I was going to get over it."
"Well, you're obviously over it now." Christina's voice was harsh and cutting. She couldn't possibly feel more awful.
"Don't do that..." Adam cut in hard, and looked so emotional at that point she could swear she saw tears welling in the corners of his eyes. "Don't dismiss it like that. That was the hardest time of my life after you did that. I don't even like talking about it."
She hated being reminded of it too. It was like looking back at yourself and seeing nothing but an evil twin that deserves to be put down. What a fool she was to think he'd wait for her... that she could do something that disastrous without consequences. That she could play with fire like that and not burn herself down.
"I never thought I'd get over it..." Adam repeated, his voice adamant, words he'd bottled up tightly for years finally being given air. "It took everything I had to pick myself up, to get through The Voice, to stay in LA... and the absolute biggest bitch of all - to stay your friend. You have no idea how hard that was for me."
I have more of an idea than you know.
"And for so long I looked for signs from you like an idiot..." Adam's voice was cracking hard. "I waited for you to change your mind... I watched for any sign that you thought you'd made a mistake. I even wanted to beg you to take me back. But nothing ever came... it was fucking pathetic. All you wanted was to be friends."
It's not true. It's so far from the truth it's not funny.
"Adam -"
"Let me finish." He was standing over her now, his eyes blazing into hers.
"And then I met Claire. And it was like she found this wounded, broken person; so hurt, so scared of being hurt..."
I'm going to throw up.
"... and it was like she picked me up, she dusted me off, she looked at me and said, 'This guy's really amazing. This guy's worth having.'"
"Adam, please! I don't want to know all this!" Christina put her hands over her ears as her face crumpled.
But he continued on as if he hadn't even heard her, his whole body moving with the force of what he was saying. He'd waited for so long to say these words out loud.
"...And she looked after me, Christina. She knew how heartbroken I was over you, and she stayed with me anyway... she actually helped me through it. She waited for me to finally get you out of my system because she thought there might be a chance I'd actually fall for her."
Christina wanted to be sick, her words tumbling out of her without air. "And you did. You fell for her."
"Well, what did you think was going to happen?" Adam's voice was rising. "I needed something. And I needed it because of what you did. And she did an amazing thing for me."
"So that's why you're marrying her?" Christina hooked onto the first sign of hope she'd felt in what felt like years. She said the word 'marrying' like it was a disease. "Because she nursed you through a break up?"
"No..." Adam replied, his face creasing in defense. "I told you, I -"
"You love her," Christina shouted. "I get it!"
Adam's breath seized in his throat as they both just stood there looking at their feet. The situation was so fucked up.
Adam is getting married in eight days to a girl he says he loves, who frankly sounds like a heck of a lot better for him than you are, and you actually think that standing here telling him all this is going to change anything.
And it probably wouldn't. But that didn't mean she couldn't try; that she couldn't tell him the truth.
"Adam, I need to tell you something." Christina's head suddenly flicked up as she stared back at him, her face completely consumed by her sudden mission.
"I need to tell you how I feel. I can't stand not telling you anymore... And then I'm going to go away, and you're going to get married, and I'll never mention any of this again."
Adam swallowed so hard Christina thought he might be sick. She fixed her body firmly to the ground and looked directly at him, her face ripped with pain.
"I'm sorry that I broke up with you. I've never been more sorry about anything in my life. I once said to you that I don't regret anything... that I think it's the ultimate disrespect to yourself, that people should respect their own decisions. But I regret this, Adam. I regret it more than you'll ever know, because there aren't enough words in the world to explain how much I regret it." Christina was crying hard now, and if she'd been able to focus on anything other than her confession she'd have noticed Adam was almost crying too.
"I don't even know why I did it, Adam. I can't stand here and give you a good reason. And you have no idea how much that kills me. That I don't even know why I made the biggest, worst mistake of my life. All I know is that it was wrong. It was so very, very wrong. But I did it... so I... I'll live with it, I'll live without you in my life if I have to." Christina could barely talk through the tears that were now soaking her eyes, her cheeks, her lips.
"But the truth is that I love you, Adam. You have to know it... you must know it. I never stopped. But I'll be your friend if you really want me to, and I'll support you in whatever you do. If you really want me at your wedding, I'll be there." As she cried she took a tiny step towards the man that felt like he couldn't breathe.
"But if you want me in your life you're just going to have to accept that I love you. I will always love you. And you are amazing, Adam. You are someone worth having. I can't believe that it took someone else to make you believe that. That it wasn't me. That breaks my heart more than you'll ever know. I know she loves you, Adam. But you have to know that I love you too. I love you so much I feel like I can't breathe."
Christina hadn't realized she'd taken so many steps towards him as she'd been speaking. She looked up into the face that was now only inches from hers.
And as Adam stood there looking down at her, a single tear falling down his cheek, she wanted him to kiss her so badly it made her mouth ache. And the fact was he hadn't pulled away from her, he hadn't moved his breath away from hers. And the way his eyes were looking down into hers, the way they then moved to the softness of her mouth made her wonder if he wanted to too.