PREVIOUSLY: "Which part are you sorry for?"
Christina felt her stomach tighten with the pressure of the enormous conversation they were suddenly having. She took a deep breath before looking back up at him, her voice barely a whisper. "For saying what I said to you at this time." Christina opened her mouth to reveal more but quickly closed it again when she realized that's really all she wanted to say. Her timing was hideous and she felt like a criminal for it. That's what she was sorry for.
"So you're not sorry for what you said?" Adam asked, his voice becoming more unstable.
Christina just looked at him, not quite sure where he was going with this. "Do you want me to be sorry?"
"Do I want you to be?" Adam replied, his face twisting a little. "I just want you to be honest with me."
Christina sighed heavily. "I don't know if I am... I guess - I guess then, yes, I am. I'm sorry for what I said."
Adam suddenly sat back in his seat and exhaled loudly, his body language revealing early signs of stress. "Ok good - that's good..." he mumbled, suddenly unable to look at Christina. "That's good to know."
He looks like he's seen a ghost. He's so freaked out. What the fuck have I done?
"Adam ..." Christina started, hearing how pleading she already sounded.
But Adam cut back in, looking at Christina with hardened eyes. "Why did you say it then?"
Christina just blinked at him, taken aback as his eyes burrowed into hers, scrutinizing them.
"Why did I say what?"
Adam scoffed a little, like she obviously knew what he was talking about. "Why did you say all that stuff on the beach?"
Christina felt her stomach begin to tie itself in knots. "Because... I told you... that's - that's the way I feel."
"But you just told me you regret saying it..."
"No!" Christina cut in quickly as she looked hard at him. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant I regret saying it because - because of the situation, Adam. It doesn't exactly make me known for my spectacular timing, does it?" He just sat there blinking at her, his brow creasing. "It was a shitty thing to do a week before your wedding," Christina continued, her voice starting to crack.
Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was the best timing of all.
"So you don't regret it..." Adam looked at Christina like he was hanging on her every word. "I mean, you did mean what you said."
Christina just sat there and looked into the hazel eyes that were pinned to hers, so flushed with emotion... but what emotion she couldn't quite tell. She just sat there and stared at Adam, expecting him to look away, but he didn't. After a few moments she saw his eyes flick down to her mouth and hold themselves there for a moment before he looked back at her eyes. Christina felt her face turn hot as an unmistakable current of electricity buzzed in the air between them. Her heart pounded.
I love you.
"Yes... I meant it," Christina whispered. "Every word."
Adam just sat there and swallowed hard, his frame almost buckling a little as Christina struggled to cope once again with the enormity of her admission. Adam took a deep breath and shuffled forward in his seat. He played with his fingers nervously.
"Why now?" He breathed softly, looking directly at her.
Christina just looked back at him, their eyes fusing together, more sparks bursting between them as she searched her soul for an answer.
"Why are you telling me this now?" Adam repeated, his face hardening just a little. "Because it just really sounds like you're only doing it because you're about to really lose me forever and I'm sorry but that's just not good enough, Christina."
Christina flinched. Not good enough? Does that mean there is a good enough?
Christina cleared her throat as she searched high and low inside herself for the answer. "I said it now because... I don't know, Adam, I guess - I guess it was just because the wedding made me feel like this was my last chance to say it."
Adam's eyes narrowed as he looked away, his face unable to hide the fact that he didn't like her answer.
"That doesn't make it any less real, Adam." Christina implored, her voice rising a little. "All it does is making me a coward and an idiot for not telling you before."
"Before when?" Adam cut in quickly. "How long have you felt this way?"
Christina's mind hurtled back through the past few years, trying to hook into an exact moment. But suddenly she couldn't remember ever not loving him. "I don't know..." she whispered. "I don't think I ever really got over you, in fact... I know I didn't." She swallowed hard. "I think I've been lying to myself for a long time."
"But why?" Adam's face became pained. "I don't get it, Christina." His gentle voice began to rise and become more agitated. "I don't get how someone can be in love with someone else and then just leave them and... and then say they never fell out of love with them. It just makes no fucking sense."
"You sound angry," Christina breathed, her voice shrinking.
"Angry? Of course I'm fucking angry," Adam replied, suddenly standing up out of his seat and exhaling loudly.
"Why?" Christina whispered, feeling the well of tears behind her eyes threatening to bubble over.
Adam looked down at Christina as if she was on crack. "Because I'm getting MARRIED this weekend, Christina!" And not with you.
Oh God. He's getting married this weekend. Of course he is. Why are you even here then, Christina? WHY? And he's seriously pissed. You've ruined everything.
Christina suddenly lurched up out of her seat, thinking that maybe the best thing to do was just go home and put them both out of their misery, until Adam grabbed her wrist in gentle protest before quickly letting go.
"Please don't go..." he whispered. Christina looked at him and felt something inside her heart splinter at the distressed eyes that gazed back at her. "Please don't leave."
Christina looked down at the spot on her hand that had just had his soft hand wrapped around it. She felt dumfounded. He'd touched her and she'd missed it. She'd been too busy freaking out. She'd missed his touch.
"I'm sorry." Adam's sudden apology made Christina's face crease with even more guilt.
I should be the one apologizing to you Adam; oh God, I have so much to apologize for.
"Sorry..." Adam repeated softly. "Fuck, this has been a rough couple of days."
Christina just stood there and looked at him, wanting so badly to tell him how sorry she was, but suddenly the two words seemed so utterly pathetic and inadequate. She couldn't believe how badly she had stressed him out with all of this.
What did you think was going to happen when you told him you still loved him, Christina? That he wouldn't give a shit? That he'd get down on one knee? What?
Adam slowly sat back down and looked up at Christina in silent request for her to join him. Over the years there'd been very few things his beautiful eyes couldn't convince her of and she gulped hard before settling back into her seat.
"I need - I need you to make me understand what this is about, Christina." Adam asked gently.
Christina felt bile rising up in her throat as she fought to form the words, refusing to let herself believe that Adam's agitated state might mean she still meant something to him. She couldn't let herself think that way.
"I don't know how you want me to explain it, Adam..." Christina breathed, her voice weakening. "It's very simple... I - I told you how I feel and I can't help it." She gave a small shrug. "I can't help the way I feel... and I can't change the fact that I told this to you now."
Adam just sat motionless, his face searching hers, and Christina could tell he still needed to hear more. "I told you... I don't know why I broke up with you," Christina continued. "I just needed a break... all the fighting we were doing..."
"That was because of what was happening with our careers and tabloids," Adam cut in. "We never used to fight before that," he defended.
"I know..." Christina replied softly and shrugged helplessly again. "I told you... I made a terrible mistake. I was confused and exhausted and insecure, and... I don't know... I guess I figured you were about to leave me anyway."
She thought it over, suddenly realizing that to be the absolute truth. Christina had lived in paralyzing fear over the last few months of their relationship that Adam was going to walk out on her and find someone else, given the rough patch they were in. Maybe she just wanted to get in first. Maybe that was it.
"What?" Adam was looking back at Christina like she'd grown seven heads.
"Well, with the arguing we were doing and how crap things were going at work, and how many career offers you were getting, and how many gorgeous women, far more gorgeous than me, were just waiting..."
"Jesus Christ, Christina!" His face twisted with disbelief. "You thought I was about to break up with you? For a more 'gorgeous' woman - are you insane?"
Christina's face blanched. No, I'm not insane. You would have left me, Adam, once The Voice contract was over and you could get back to your tours, I just know it. I was never good enough for you. Look at Claire - she's a fucking supermodel.
"Don't you remember how I reacted?" Adam leaned closer towards Christina in his seat, his eyes locking with hers, his face bursting with emotion. "Do you remember me crying like a baby when you told me you were leaving me?"
Christina's heart shattered into pieces at the memory. That was a day she'd worked so hard to forget.
"Did that look like the kind of reaction by someone who wanted out?" Adam asked, his voice starting to break.
"No," Christina mumbled, pressing her lips together as if that might stop the tears that were now on a countdown.
For a moment they both sat there, the only sound in the room was their heavy breathing as memories of their horrific breakup crashed back into Christina's mind.
His face... I'll never forget his face. He was so crestfallen. So shocked. He couldn't even look at me; he just held his head in his hands for such a long time. And then when I reached over to pull his face up so I could look at him, his cheeks were soaking with tears. I'd never seen him cry like that.
"What's done is done," Adam finally whispered dejectedly, his flat voice breaking the painful silence. "To be honest I don't even want to think about that right now." He sighed. "I just need to know why you've come to me with this now. You could have said it so many times before... when I wasn't about to get married."
"Would it have made a difference if I said it earlier?" Christina suddenly asked, her eyes fixed on Adam who was now looking in his lap.
Adam just sat there for a minute and took several deep breaths before looking back up at Christina. Her heart was in her mouth. "Of course..." he finally breathed huskily. "You know how devastated I was."
Christina pursed her lips together with equal parts sympathy and love. "I don't mean straight after..." She finally asked softly. "I mean..."
Adam's instant look of understanding stopped her from needing to continue.
"You mean after I met Claire."
Why is it that every time he says her name I feel like he's stabbing me with a pitchfork?
Adam just sat there in silence for so long that Christina didn't think he was even going to answer her question. "At the beginning..." he finally replied, his throat tight as she looked at him. "Yes, it would have made a difference."
"So only at the beginning..." Christina pushed gently, suddenly needing to know more. At what point he would have chosen Claire over her.
Adam just looked at Christina and sighed heavily. "I knew this was about the fact that I'm with someone else." His lips pursed up and he shook his head a little as he looked away.
"No, it's not!" Christina quickly denied.
It's not about that. I wanted you long before Claire, Adam. I was just so fucking messed up and confused.
"It is, Christina..." Adam argued, his frustration escalating again. "Can't you see it? You've had over two years to ask for me back. A whole year before there was even anyone in my life. I was totally free. We were hanging out all the time. And every time you kissed me goodbye on the cheek and got in your car and shut the door I felt like I wanted to fucking shoot myself."
Christina's heart clenched at his words and all the muscles in her face failed to hold back the tears anymore. Saltwater began dribbling down her cheeks, but whether Adam noticed or not, he persisted.
"And now that I've finally fallen for someone else, and I'm making a life with someone, you decide now is the time that you're ready to be with me again?"
"Yes... that's it, Adam!" Christina answered, her wobbly voicing rising to meet his. "That's the way it happened. I'm fucking sorry if I can't change it."
"But don't you see what you've done?" Adam's face twisted with hurt and pain as he looked at Christina. "You've killed any chance of us ever being together!"
