If Walls Could Talk (Adamtina)

Chapter 15

'Christina... I still love you.' Do I just say it like that?
"Adam..." Christina suddenly blurted. His head flicked back up and caught her gaze. She was looking at him with such a terrible and gloomy expression that it sent fear gushing through his bloodstream.
"Yes?" He breathed, suddenly barely able to speak.
"Adam, I... don't know what you came here to say today, but I - I think I can guess..." Christina whispered, her voice choked.
You do?
"And before you say what you want to say, I - I just want to say something first," she continued, her eyes struggling to hold his. Adam just gulped air and sat there listening, suddenly not sure where Christina was going with this and needing to. "I - I want you to know again how truly terrible I feel about all this." Christina's face twisted with pain. "Like... I've never felt so guilty about anything in my life."
"Me too," Adam cut in softly, feeling his throat locking up. Out of all the bad things he'd ever done in his life, this was by far the worst. But at least that's one thing they had in common right now. They could help each other through it. They could share the shame. And fuck knows, if he was really going to do this he'd need her there for him.
Christina's eyes widened a little at Adam's words before she continued softly, her eyes dropping back down to her lap. "And that's why... before you tell me that you're, of course, marrying Claire and - and that we can't b-be friends any more, I - I just want to say a few things first."
Adam felt confusion sweep across his insides. Uh?
"I want you to know that I do care about your happiness," Christina continued quickly, her words tumbling out of her mouth choppy and strained. "Above my own. And I - I think what I've done here - what I've said to you... at this time... is just about the worst and most selfish thing I've ever done in my entire life."
What?
Adam felt blood draining from his face as Christina continued speaking, her voice teetering on the edge of tears. "I just can't stand the thought of being the person who ruined your life, Adam... your marriage. People who - who get married should have... my God, they should have the best start, not... nothing like this. Not being pursued by a jealous ex-girlfriend the week before."
What the fuck? Is she saying she only said those things to me because she was jealous? That I was right the first time?
"So I guess I - I just want to say that - that if you really do want to marry Claire... I mean, if you really are happy with Claire... as I'm sure you are... then I - then I support it. Then I think you should do it." Christina swallowed hard before looking up at Adam, her eyes wet with tears. "I think you should forget everything I said and - and marry her."
Adam could feel his mouth literally fall open in surprise.
"I started this, Adam... I put you in a terrible, selfish situation," Christina continued, tears starting to spill from the corners of her eyes as she tried to explain. "It wasn't fair on you... on Claire. Let me - let me be the one to undo it."
The sudden pain in Adam's heart was so acute he felt like he could be having an actual heart attack. It was slicing, twisting, all-consuming. It hurt like fucking hell.
"You - you want to undo it?" he whispered.
Christina just sat there wiping the tears from her eyes, her voice unable to reply.
"You want to take back what you said?" Adam asked again, hearing the growing accusation in his voice.
Adam could hear Christina's breath catch before she just nodded back at him slowly and ever so slightly. It was a hesitant, uncertain nod. But it was a nod.
Adam felt shock physically push him back into his seat. He just sat there open-mouthed before the pressure of tears began attacking his eyes.
You are fucking goddamn fucking kidding me. What the actual fuck? FUCK!
He didn't know what to do. Stand, get up, leave, run, hide, sit, stay. None of it mattered. He was at total loss. She'd pushed him to his limit. He absolutely and utterly couldn't believe that this was happening.
"Adam?" He heard Christina whisper softly, but he couldn't look at her. He tried so hard to hold it together, using all the power he had, but he just couldn't. It was all too much. She'd hurt him too much. He loved her too fucking much.
Tears had been living at the backs of Adam's eyes for days now, just sitting there waiting for their next green light. It didn't surprise him at all that they surfaced so quickly right now. He brushed away the humiliating saltwater that began dripping down his cheeks.
"Adam, oh God..." Christina whispered in shock, before she sat forward in her seat to move herself closer to him.
Crying in front of Christina Aguilera again. He'd never felt so weak and pathetic.
"Just leave it..." he said, his voice coming out harsher than he wanted it to. But he was angry and heartbroken and he just couldn't help it. "Just don't."
He could tell Christina was completely stunned by the way she didn't seem to be breathing and how still her body was.
"What - what did I do?" she asked, her voice cracking as she began to cry.
What did you do?
Oh, and brilliant! Now we're both crying. What a fucking pair we make.
He didn't reach out to comfort Christina. He didn't even look at her. Instead, Adam just chuckled sarcastically as he brushed his cheeks with the tips of his fingers. "What did you do?" He repeated her question, daring himself to look at her for a moment. Her face was like a mirror to his feelings. She looked completely crushed. "You fucking kill me, Christina." He just shook his head at her as his tears continued to fall. "Why do you do this to me? Why you try to hurt me so much?"
Christina physically recoiled in shock. "I would never try to hurt you!" She exclaimed, her voice thick. "That's the last thing I want!"
"Well, then why would you do this?" Adam asked despairingly, their eyes locking together with a deep, soulful connection that chained them together, like it or not. It was their greatest blessing and their biggest curse. Love for her seeped out of Adam's veins and he almost choked on it. He couldn't help the way he felt anymore than she could. "Why would you tell me you still love me, and then take it back?"
Christina's face crumpled. "Because, I..." She whimpered as she held her hands up like she was totally helpless. "Because I'm just trying to do the right thing here!"
"The right thing?" Adam replied, as if her answer was totally ridiculous. "How is that the right thing? That's the fucking worst thing! If you want to feel guilty about something, feel guilty about that."
"Well, then because it's just not fair, Adam!" Christina almost shouted, her voice thick with emotion as she leaned forward, her whole body committing itself to her words. "It's not fair of me to ask you to choose between me and Claire... to make you always wonder if you made the right decision."
"Oh, it's wrong alright, believe me," Adam spat. "This whole situation is fucking wrong... You know I actually have no idea why I even came here. I'm clearly in the wrong place."
And suddenly he felt his body rising up to make its escape. He kept wiping away tears, willing his body to stop shaming him in front of her, but his wishes were cruelly met with even more tears. Christina rose up in front of him, blocking his path.
"No, Adam!" she said as she held her hand up to stop him, her voice scared and strained. "You can't leave like this... you're taking me all wrong!"
Adam tried to look at Christina but seeing her face right now was just so fucking hard. He felt dizzy. "I'm trying to help you..." she appealed, her voice pained. "To do the right thing... so you can get married with a - with a clear conscience. This isn't about what I want... I just want you to be happy. I'm doing this for you!"
"How do you even fucking know what makes me happy?" Adam snapped, his voice cracking as he glared at her. "You don't get to decide everything for me, Christina... How do you even know if Claire makes me happy? Oh, and thank you for your permission to get married, by the way."
His entire body seething with the kind of rage that only love can inspire, Adam pushed past Christina and into her hallway towards the front door.
"Stop! Please... stop... I love you, Adam!" Christina shouted desperately as she followed him, her words stopping him mid-stride like a lasso. He spun around and stared down at her, his face broken.
"Chris, what the fuck? Are you - are fucking bipolar?" He replied, his voice cracking with frustration, his cheeks wet.
Christina moved her body even closer to his so she was standing right at his feet, not touching him, but staring right up at him.
"Why are you so angry? Why are you reacting this way?" She pleaded, the pure terror that eclipsed her face showing him that she really didn't know.
Adam's face twisted with hurt and frustration. "Because you're breaking my heart, Christina... I literally can't even fucking believe you'd do this to me again!"
Christina's body physically recoiled with shock.
"What?" she asked, genuine confusion ripping through her voice. "But how?" She shouted through tears, her tiny body shuddering. "You told me that I was too late - that we could never be together!"
Adam pressed his eyes into his palms for a moment as he took a breath to steady himself, before running his fingers through his hair.
"Okay, I did say that... I did..." he mumbled. "But, fuck, I - I don't think I meant it, Christina. You should know me better than that."
What do you mean you don't think? Of course you didn't mean it. Don't lie to her now, that won't help.
He looked down at Christina who was just staring up at him, her face frozen with surprise. "Adam, I..."
" - Do you want me to marry Claire?" Adam suddenly cut in as his eyes burrowed into Christina's.
Christina physically flinched as her mouth dropped open. "What?"
"You heard me..." He continued, looking directly at her, his heart thumping hard. "Is that what today is about? Taking back everything you said so I can marry Claire? Or do you mean it when you say you love me, but you want me to marry Claire anyway?"
Christina's face curled into a frown. "Neither!" She replied quickly and emotionally.
"So you don't want me to marry her? Because everything you say confuses the fuck out of me, Christina... I need a straight, honest answer from you."
Christina exhaled heavily with frustration, her eyes dropping to her feet. She was clearly struggling to respond.
"Answer me, please..." Adam urged, their eyes connecting as she lifted her face back up. "Do you want me to marry Claire?"
Christina sighed and looked away, her cheeks soaked with tears. "Only if you want to."
Adam had never felt so exasperated. "You're driving me fucking crazy here..."
A hard sob suddenly escaped Christina's chest. She brought a hand up to her stomach and held it there.
"Christina, look at me," Adam breathed, as he dared to reach down and gently cup her tiny chin in his hand as he pulled her face back up to his. And for a moment Adam just stood there and held her perfect, delicate face as he looked into her eyes that were gleaming with tears. He felt his knees weaken.
Why does it always feel this way with you? So real, even when it's painful? So right. God, I'm fucking powerless with you.
"Do you want me to marry Claire?" Adam insisted.
Christina sighed deeply before looking right at Adam, her strength ironically returning as she finally gave up the fight. "No... I don't want you to marry her."
Adam felt his heart stop. "And you don't because..."
" - Because I love you," Christina finished, her voice weak but heartfelt. "I give up, Adam..." she breathed as she shrugged her shoulders a little. "I thought that - that today I might actually be able to - to put my own feelings aside and just let you go and be happy..."
But you make me happy, Christina. You.
He wanted so badly to respond to her as she continued to mumble things to him, reasons why, but his head was spinning so he just stood there and let her finish. As she talked, he imagined running his thumb along the bottom lip that was quivering so perfectly, stilling it with his finger, before gently pulling it open so he could place his lips against hers and taste heaven again. And fuck, her mouth was right there. It was his to take.
"But I can't compete with her, Adam." Christina suddenly whispered sadly, her body moving back from his slightly as she shook her head a little.
"What?" Adam replied, confusion infiltrating the precious space between them again.
"I left you, Adam..." Christina breathed, her face bleak. "I ended it. And that's never going to change, no matter what." Adam just looked back at her as she continued, her voice tight with regret. "Claire... she never left you. She'll always have that over me."
Before he could think twice, Adam reached down and took one of Christina's shaking hands in his. The instant chemistry that sprung from their touch shot right to his heart. For a moment, all he could do was just stand there and let himself feel the touch of Christina's hand again as their fingers slipped inside each other's and gently curled together as easily as they had the first time. The sensation of Christina's fingers against his made Adam's face flush.
"Christina..." he whispered, his face softening as she looked up at him with wide eyes. "I forgive you," he whispered. "I might be stupid, but I honestly believe you when you say you wouldn't do it again."
"You do?" she replied with need, tears falling helplessly from her eyes.
Adam took his free hand to slowly catch Christina's tears with his knuckle and gently brush them away as he nodded.
I really do.
A sharp and sudden sob erupted from Christina's chest as she lurched forward and threw her arms around Adam's neck, pressing her face into his chest as she cried into him. The feeling of it... the sound... the sensation... the smell of her hair brought back tears to Adam's eyes and he closed his arms around her and held her tightly, squeezing her as closely as he could without hurting her... breathing her in. Christina responded to his touch with a ravenous hunger and squeezed him back with both arms, closing what was left of the distance between them as she forced Adam's legs to part as she stepped in between them, his back now pressed against the hallway wall as she trapped him with her body. And for the longest time they just stood there holding each other, Adam whispering, "Shhh," and running his fingers down her hair as Christina whimpered softly.
You know she loves you, Adam. You can feel it. And you love her. This is right. This is how it's meant to be.
As his fingers passed through her soft curls, this time Adam couldn't resist but continue to move his hand downwards to rest it on her lower back, only inches from the top of her delicious behind, which had always been his weakness. It's like he couldn't stand not touching her anymore. His heartbeat was racing against hers as he began running his hand along her lower back in soft strokes as he audaciously let the tips of his fingers brush past the top of her ass, wanting so badly to just reach down and hold her fully. He heard Christina release a tiny gasp into his chest before she slid her hands down his back and squeezed, pressing her fingers into his skin before she did what he wasn't brave enough to and suddenly cupped his ass and gave it a hard squeeze. Adam tried to stop the soft moan that escaped from his mouth but it was too late and it was out there, prompting Christina to pull back from his body ever so slightly to look up at him, her eyes darkening with a look of desire that he hadn't seen in too fucking long.
Oh fuck... Christina...
Adam felt everything turn black as something overcame him that he just couldn't control. His fingers curled around her hip and squeezed it lustfully as he pulled her pelvis into his, lifting her whole body slightly as he bent down to meet the face that was already rising to find his. He slid his other hand up to Christina's face as he softly placed his lips on hers, moaning softly as the sweetest sensation in the world closed over his mouth. He moved his other hand up from Christina's hip to clasp her lower back again, pulling her even tighter into his body as their mouths parted in unison and their tongues finally met. The moan that Christina released into Adam's mouth drove him crazy, and he slipped his tongue deeper inside her mouth, sliding it against hers in a sensuous and loving kiss that was slow, deliberate, and sexy as all fuck. And time stopped, utterly abandoned, as Christina and Adam stood there pressed against the wall, making soft moans as their tongues swirled lusciously, his hand pressing her body hard into his.
Fuck... how did I live without this for so long? I need to taste more... to have more... to... Adam what are you doing? No... Adam... what the fuck are you doing?... Adam you're still with Claire, you can't do this... Adam, fucking no - Adam, stop!
Strength Adam didn't even know he had shot through him as he suddenly pulled his body back, noticing how heavily they were both panting. He felt a painful erection pushing hard against his jeans, barely contained, trying to find its way to her. Adam gave himself a mental slap as he stepped back and tried to steady himself, his whole body wavering.
You have to get out of here. You have to get out of here, right fucking now. You are many things, Adam, but you have never been a cheater.
Adam just swallowed hard as he mumbled, "I have to go." He registered Christina's pained expression before she began nodding as he turned and started walking briskly towards the door, panic and overwhelming guilt flooding into his chest. He felt like he was almost seeing double as he reached the front door and opened it.
He turned around to find Christina right behind him, staring up at him with wide, fearful eyes.
"Adam..." she said pleadingly, her eyes blazing with worry. "You have to tell me... what does this mean? Please, tell me or I'll go crazy..."
He just stood there and looked down at her, his heart bursting as she began apologizing profusely, her entire body almost convulsing with stress again. The sight of it flooded Adam with compassion and he reached his hands down to her shoulders to steady her before he leaned down and whispered, "I'll call you later, okay?"
Christina just stood there and nodded at Adam, her eyes filling with tears that broke his heart.
Oh Christina... you don't have to worry. I want you so badly... can't you see that this is what's killing me? The way I feel about you?
He wanted to hug her so badly; to pull her into his arms and embrace her tightly again, but he knew in his heart that was a terrible idea. Because if he felt her body that close to his with the feelings he was having right now he wouldn't make it out of Christina's house without doing the unthinkable to Claire. And he just wasn't going to let that happen.
So instead, as Christina stood there quivering with tears, Adam mustered all the control he had to just lean down and place one soft, gentle kiss on her still-wet lips. He could have so easily stayed there as she pushed her lips into his in request for more, but he reluctantly pulled away, his hands still gently holding her tiny shoulders.
He wanted so badly to tell her that he loved her, but he just felt so overwhelmed, so emotionally exhausted, so instead he just leaned down and whispered, "Thank you, Christina."
And the last thing he saw were her eyes widening as he turned around and pushed himself out the door.