On my sleeve

How are you?

Me? I could sit here, lying to you & pretending my life is great,
But I've been exposed to too much R.A.W.E. shit to hide this pain,
(Shout out Devvon.....)
& it all has been pointing back to myself.
Real talk, I think I need professional help.
Why?
Maybe cause of my lack of self-esteem,
My laziness & procrastination in chasing my dreams,
The visions of becoming the "Music Man" with my piano, my lyrics,
The muscular body I want sculpted from calisthenics,
I was failing at life, working from job to job,
Could even hold one down for a few months, still living with mom,
& our relationship was gettin' tight, steady blaming me for her choices,
While I was (& still am) battling a war with all of my mental voices,
Shit had me on the floor at nights crying,
Wondering if it'd all stop if I would just end up dying,
But I couldn't live with myself if I had given up so easily,
Funny when you got problems, that's when you hear from family.
& I honestly feel that I've made myself my own enemy,
So much wasted time & energy,
On people who did me dirty,
Things I should of never said,
Knowledge that I should be learning,
The lies & rumors about me that were spread,
I was holding on to so much anger that I wanted to lash out at everyone who crossed me,
But in the end, I was only hurting myself, isolating myself as the definition of "Lonely"...............
I don't need your sympathy, just know I'm in a process of a purge,
Exercising all this bullshit my shitty family, "friends", bullies, & my own frail mindset that left me feeling like dirt,
Trust & believe I ain't no saint,
I've hurt people with my words & actions,
Sabotaged missions by disobeying simple tasks,
Gave my old girl a piece of the shitty parenting & neglect she gave me for years,
Hated the whole world, even hated myself,
But too afraid to tell anyone cause I didn't want anyone to see my tears...........
I didn't want to show my weaknesses,
Didn't wanna show my pain,
All I wanted was to put a bullet in my overthinking brain.
All I wanted was to choose different parents so I wouldn't have come into this world with a fucked up slate.
All I wanted was some loyalty & love, but I was never shown how to properly give it, now I'm asking myself: "Am I too late?"
All I wanted was to get over this urge to constantly masturbate.
All I want is a peace of mind, but even that doesn't stay................
My over religious family constantly telling me I need to pray,
Saying my life ain't shit cause I don't lick god's feet everyday,
& I'm teaching myself how to be a man cause my dad was too much of pussy to do so himself,
Out here foolishly looking for father figures, fuck that shit, I'm molding myself...........
This shit probably sounds like I'm insane to you, & trust me, I am.
But this is only the dark side of everything, there's so much good outside of this mental jam.
I didn't have the heart to admit it, but the mirror advised I make a change,
So I'll put my super hero cape on, I've got someone to save:

Me.
- Maãlík