Loving A Gangsta

Chapter 36 (Friday)

Korrine's POV

Jessie's blank face staring up at the ceiling is the only thing my eyes have been watching since I've sat down. Not knowing what to say in certain situations has been becoming a bad habit for me lately. Usually, I'm the first person in the room to speak up and voice my thoughts. If not, then it's just because I'm analyzing deep plans and thoughts in my head that need time to process, but lately, I've just been at a loss for words. The same thing is happening right now.

Accusations and questions are the last things I want to fill the room with. No more blame needs to be placed. No more guilt needs to be held. There is a huge spot in my heart with Jessie's name on it, and that will never change, so I shouldn't even waste this time God has given us acting like I'm going to let him go. That's something that seems impossible to do, but another impossible thing to do is hold back my emotions. My body is over flooding with pain and releasing it through my tears.

"I thought I was going to die," Jessie says, breaking the silence. His voice cracks towards the end of the sentence, and as he finally faces me, I see tears slide down his cheeks.

My first reflex is to stand up and crawl in the small hospital bed with him. I softly lay my head on his chest and peck his chin. "You're not going anywhere anytime soon," I whisper. His heartbeat is beating at an abnormal speed, which is strange because he's just laying still. "Take deep breaths and try to calm down, Jessie."

He inhales deeply, holds it in, and then exhales. He does it about three more times before his heartbeat finally goes back to normal and beats in the same pattern as mine. "You're just laying here gives me life, you know?" he asks, rubbing his hands along my arm innocently.

"You've been here for me all my life, and it's time for me to do the same," I admit.

He chuckles softly, ending in a fit of coughs before he composes himself. "You've always been here for me, mami. I apologize for making you feel like you haven't just because it wasn't in the way that I wanted. I was selfish. You didn't deserve none of this," he says, shaking his head.

I place my fingers on his lips. "I don't want to talk about that."

He kisses my fingers softly before moving them. "No, we need to talk about it. Bad communication is what got us here in the first place," he says.

"No, my leading you on and not knowing what I wanted is what got us all in this situation. I messed everything up. I had a part in it," I say, finally taking responsibility for my own actions too. Everybody has their part in what's happened, including me. It isn't just Michael's fault, or Jessie's fault, or anyone's alone.. We all created this mess.

"No, no, no!" he yells, carefully sitting up. "Look where we are, Korrine. Look what I've done. I've put all of us in the hospital. Joining a gang and letting them know about Mike's and his hood's whereabouts and your whereabouts is the only thing that put us in this place," he says, breaking down into tears and dropping his head on my chest. "I didn't mean to shoot your friend, mami. I'm so sorry. They made shoot the gun. I tried to shoot everywhere else. I need you to believe me."

Everything happens for a reason. God makes everything happen for reasons we're not aware of, and the cards have to play out how they were dealt. I don't know why I had to be in a hospital bed, or why Jessie has to be in a hospital bed, and especially why Trey has to be in one, but it's happened, and it happens in the world all the time. Yes, I'm extremely sad and regret a lot of things, but I'm coming to terms with it, and Jessie needs to do so as well. As soon as he does, we can all move on from this and help each other heal.

I run my fingers through his hair to soothe his pain. "I was thinking a lot about what you told me at the warehouse. About how Anna is sick, and how you needed to do what you needed to do for your family. That was brave of you, Jessie. No matter how things turned out, that was brave of you," I say, meaning every word. Michael did the same thing. I'm sure my father did the same thing for us when he was here on this Earth, and when he died, my mom had to do the same. It's a human reaction when worst comes to worst. "I forgive you, Jessie. I love you so much, and I forgive you, so forgive yourself."