Steps •asheiji•

•Chapter 17•

art: @_kohiu on twitter

Ash POV

So the shame and self hatred is back! Whoopee!

God why can't I just have nice things without my past ruining it. And worst of all I left my boyfriend in the middle of it all and now he has to deal with his "problem".

As soon as he started to grind on me I knew this wasn't going to end anytime soon unless I did something. And the truth is... I was scared.

I was scared of him touching me. Feeling me. Scared that he would see something I didn't want him to see. Scared of being intimate. Scared of him opening my doors more than he already has and letting him have all of me.
Being vulnerable is allowing someone into the garden of your soul and letting them eat the fruit from your tree of secrets.

I built my walls so high over the years that it's been hard for anybody to break them down. The only people that did were Shorter and now Eiji.

I didn't feel disgusted. I felt like a coward. Here I am with a man that loves me endlessly and tenderly and I can't even give him what he truly desires.

I know he denies it but men need sex. They're built with this sexual drive in them.(unless they're asexual.)It's like a weird primal instinct. If you try to hide it, you'll tear yourself apart.

Sometimes I ask myself if I'm really what Eiji needs. I know he won't leave me but is that what's best for him? Hell. He's been at death's door multiple times because of me.

I've been hiding and running all my life from the things that truly matter. The truth is I want him to touch me. To feel me. To see everything there is to see. I want to be intimate with him. I want to open my doors up wider than they've ever been. I want to be vulnerable and let him enter my Garden of Eden and eat all the fruit he can find.

The bedroom door swung open slowly and Eiji walked in looking exhausted.

I guess he finished himself off in the guest bathroom.

I feel guilty.

Eiji brought me out of my thoughts by flopping onto the bed headfirst. He stayed there for awhile before bringing his head up to take a fresh breath of air in the most dramatic way possible before smashing his head into the blankets again.

Such a dork.

I chuckled as I ran my fingers through his raven hair. Eiji hummed into the comforter sending vibrations throughout the whole bed.

He got up and sat on my lap facing me. I was a little confused but rested my hands on his waist.

"Now I know you weren't really tired." Eiji says as he rubs my shoulders. "And I know you're feeling guilty right now."

I stayed silent, looking up into his dark eyes.

"But don't. Please. You owe me nothing but your love. And I'm confident I already have that. Don't feel the need to give me anything else unless you want to."

He kissed my forehead and climbed off my lap, getting under the covers with me.

I snuggled up next to him and wrapped my arms around his torso, bringing him in closer.

"I want to do this for me and you." I said while playing with the Japanese boy's hair again.

Eiji untucked his face from my chest and looked at me with the most nurturing look I've gotten from anyone that only he can give. It's moments like these where I remember that he's actually older that me.

"Do what you think is best for you Aslan. I will walk with you every step of the way. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. Tell me where to go and I'll be there. I want you to be happy. Truly happy."

Eiji's eyes started to glisten as he smiled up at me. I'll save the guilt for another day because right now holding this boy in my arms is the only thing that matters right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                              🍌x🐠

I just finished 2 still-life drawings for my art class in 1 day. Wow look at me being productive. 🥳