Pov Camila Ter Sophie now made me miss my parents more, and I did not know why. Some part of me wanted to have them around to show them the incredible work of art I had brought into the world, and to see them happy with a beautiful little grandmother they could never have. I also wanted to show them the size of my happiness, and how, in fact, everything improved after Lauren appeared in my life. I wish they had met Lauren. I wish they were here. It was good to have Clara and Mike always around. It was in times when my orphaned sorrow increased that they made me feel at home in a family, never thinking it was just kindness. I really belonged to that family, and that was a wonderful thing. Even more wonderful was knowing that my daughter, the little girl I loved the most in the world, was a part of her too. Although the cuts from my operation still hurt, all I could pay attention to was her presence. Maybe I could even care that the delivery was not the way I wanted it to be, but after Dr. Lewis had explained exactly what had happened and all the difficulty of the process (because everything had gone so fast that I did not I had no idea), all I did was thank you for simply having my daughter with me. Live, healthy and hungry. Clara and Mike seemed radiant with her presence at visiting times, and all Lauren did was look at her as if she were a mini atomic bomb. Sophie was frighteningly quiet, except when she was hungry. So it was common to see her coming into the room screaming into a nurse's lap and watching her suddenly cool as she reached my chest. It hurt a little. She was violent and not subtle. But I could not really feel the pain. Sleep seemed to take her after every furious meal, but she did not give up before spending some time analyzing the smiling faces there with curiosity. Lauren's face was always what seemed to attract his attention, and it was always on her lap that Sophie had fallen asleep, exhausted from the attempt to understand who Lauren was and why she seemed to melt all over her. She, in turn, did not disguise her newest obsession, and even if she spent all the time allowed on my side, pampering me in the way I knew how to do very well, it was only Sophie coming on the scene so that I was immediately forgotten and replaced by she. But I did not get upset. In truth, I honestly thought it was lovely. "As long as she's the only woman you want, that's fine." I said suddenly as she was feeding her after lunch. Lauren smiled in a simple way, looking away from her daughter just for a second to face me with an expression that said "do not be silly." - I'm not complaining. - I concluded. "Of course you are not. She whispered, turning to face her. "You know I love them both differently. - It's all right. I tucked the pillow behind me and lay down slowly, acting casual. "But when the quarantine is over I'll demand that you show me this." I raised an eyebrow trying to look seductive, but I thought it was ridiculous. She looked at me again, with the same calm expression as before. That was good: At least Lauren was not laughing at me. "Ah, my love ..." She began simply, as if we were talking about Christmas presents. "As soon as the quarantine is over, I'll show you exactly how I love you. She gave him a simple but very broad smile, perhaps not intending to be provocative, as she still patiently nursed our sleeping daughter in her arms. It was an interesting sight. My ovaries would be exploding if I was not feeling a highly anti-hot ache. But it's alright. I just needed to wait. *** My birthday, two days after Sophie's birth, went almost blank. But I did not care. Receiving the wishes of Lauren, her parents and even the brothers on the phone was more than enough, even if everyone avoided holding me in fear that they would hurt me.Lauren apologized again and again for not being able to do anything good as a celebration, and I tried to explain that the fact that she could not take two steps without pain was not her fault. I made it very clear that I did not want any celebration, for fear that she would bring the Doctors of Joy to my room with colorful balloons and cake, but what made her feel guilty most was the fact that she had not given me a present - it was a "simple" thick bracelet studded with diamonds - because she "could not concentrate enough to think of a better gift." "But I'm still going to give you another-" "If you do, I'll sue for a divorce." "But that was one thing not to let go." "Divorce, Lauren. She knew it was no use to snort when I seemed to be serious. Of course I was not serious, but I knew that such threats would probably work as a way to control their exaggerations. Lauren had always been like this, and something told me that now, with the birth of our daughter, it only got worse. When I was finally discharged from the hospital, I was greeted warmly by Clara, Mike and Emma in the house that I could now call "mine too." I was to know later that Lauren had considered the possibility of hiring two more maids, since I could not even pour myself a glass of water on my own, and therefore the number of servants should increase. Fortunately (and this was because Clara still had some persuasive power over her daughter), the idea was forgotten, and it came to the conclusion that a maid and a grandmother by the side was already more than enough not to let our daughter died of hunger or cold. As for Sophie, all she did was cry, eat, and sleep. These were rather monotonous things in theory, but they did not fail to exert a certain hypnotic power over Lauren, and, I confess, about myself as well. Maybe it was a first-time mom thing, but her grandmothers also seemed obsessed when she started to blink slowly, which made me wonder if maybe it was a natural charm of her own. The first time I had to shower her, I begged Clara to be present. I had never done that, and in my worst nightmares Sophie was struggling wet in my hands, sliding down my fingers and falling to the ground. "You will not let her fall, my dear. "I do not know ..." "She's so quiet ..." "Yes, but I'm a bit sullen ... But it was not difficult. My daughter was even strangely calm, and not even the first shower was enough to make her throb, as it was quite common to happen to infants. She seemed calm as I made small waves with cupped hands and wet her belly and her neck. "I think she's enjoying it." Lauren spoke from the other side, and Sophie looked at her. Whenever Lauren spoke she did it. "Of course you are. Clara answered, staring at her as if talking to her. "The water is warm, is not it?" Lauren reached out and touched one of her closed hands. She recognized the touch and opened her fingers then squeezed them against the tip of her mother's pinky. "Jesus, you're strong!" "Hey, you do not have to hold on, Mommy will not drown you. Clara spoke in a good mood. "Oh my God, take it." I stammered, trying to steady my hand and at the same time not hurt her. In the end, everything went well. Sophie was clean, smelling and a little bored up. After a few hours with Lauren trying to entertain her in some way, she finally gave in and fell asleep. "She's so calm ..." "Yeah ... We've been watching her sleep for about fifteen minutes. There were plastic doves spinning on top of the cradle, fastened by thin ropes, and a mosquito net (even if there were no mosquitoes at that time of year-Lauren's stuff). A music box played a very low, childish tune, and the dim lighting in the room was almost making me sleep too. - And you go to your bed. I felt two arms wrap me lightly from behind, taking care not to press my belly. "What makes you think I'm sleepy?" I asked absentmindedly. "You keep your eyes closed." Lauren said good-naturedly behind me, and I realized that I had not even bothered to open them."You'll feel better when you give your body the rest it needs." - Clara concluded - Are you still in pain? If you want I can help you in the shower. - No need, I'm fine. Thanks for the help, Clara. The fact is that only at the time of the bath I realized that maybe the help offered would come in handy. - Does it hurt? - It is. - Very? Lauren winced. - A bit. "Do you want to bathe in the tub?" You would not have to stand ... "The doctor said it was not advisable to use the bath until it healed. "I have to remind myself to take a shower before Emma leaves. Lauren made a defiant face and puffed out her chest. - I will help you. "You're going to get all wet." "Is that the big argument for your objection?" Actually, that was a pathetic argument. But as she seemed quite willing to help me, and to tell the truth, the cut was bothering me greatly, I accepted her help and rented her as support not to lose my balance in the stall and stab me on the floor, opening all the points in my belly and bleeding to death. Sleeping was a difficult task that first night. The organs seemed loose inside my belly. It was a strange sensation. As if that were not enough, my ears were ready, listening for the slightest sound coming from the other side of the hall, whether they were screams of hunger or a simple cough almost inaudible. So I could not relax and sleep before 2am in the morning. And not later, because it was just then that Sophie woke up, crying as if she were being stabbed. My delicate condition prevented me from getting out of bed in the dark and rushing to her rescue, so Lauren had to bring her to me. After analyzing the situation and concluding that he was not lacking any arm, we concluded that crying was due to his demand for a "snack at dawn." The right place for the crib was, aesthetically speaking, in the baby's room. But in practice the thing changed shape. Until Lauren woke up, got to her feet and went to her room without tripping and breaking her nose on the floor, making sure nothing had happened, I'd be imagining my daughter being devoured by a giant tarantula or whatever. Time was a precious thing when she cried, because if she cried, something was wrong. And if something was wrong, I had to fix it as soon as possible. So the next day, Sophie's crib came to rest in our bedroom, next to our bed. Unfortunately, our daughter's sleep routine did not seem to be compatible with ours, which meant that, in the middle of the night, I had to stay up trying to nurse her while she faced me with those big gray eyes, not showing any sleep for having slept all he could during the day. It got worse when Lauren decided, in an act of companionship, to stay awake with me while Sophie would not let me sleep. It was worse because Lauren was staring at her hypnotized, and Sophie was staring back at Lauren full of curiosity. And as long as they were inside their bubble - which sometimes, depending on my sleep, seemed to last decades - I could not sleep. Those first few weeks passed, and as my daughter grew fatter and healthier, I approached more and more of the perfect description of a zombie. Are you sure you want to learn this? - Clear! "What kind of mother does not know how to change her daughter's diaper?" "Well, there is not much mystery ..." I started, finding myself incredibly mature for teaching something to someone, and as I demonstrated the steps to perfect sanitation, Sophie twitched her arms and legs like a beetle with the shell to low. Although she made a face of crying just as often as she felt hungry, there was not a single sound. All that was noticeable was a grimace that made it clear that she would like to be left alone. - Okay, the next times are mine. She concluded, watching my every move. Of course, all the next times were not hers. The law granted Lauren a week's leave from work, and she had been back on duty for some time by then. It was then the diapers of the night and - thank God - of the dawn that were under her responsibility."And then I'll clean up here ..." She spoke to herself as she exchanged Sophie. "Why does she only make a face at me?" We looked at her, who seemed completely amused with her eyes wide open and perfectly still, her face almost apathetic. - I do not know. Maybe she likes me better. She replied in a good mood, checking if the diaper had not gotten too tight. - I think that's a good explanation. I replied, perhaps disguisedly jealous. She laughed, gripping it firmly and bringing it into her lap. My voice must distract her. - She continued - I've always talked to her more than you ... - Why does she like you more? "She does not like me anymore. - I know ... She liked her better. It was the clear and distinct impression I had every time I saw them together. Sophie always seemed more interested in her than in me, and it was amazing how sometimes Lauren could make her quiet even when she was hungry. She did not need to have a breast with milk, only that soft voice she made every time she addressed her. Lauren, for her part, had eyes only for her daughter. Whenever she got home - what was happening later - the first thing she did was run through the rooms in search of her. As we were often together, I was the first person she saw too, but I knew that all that euphoria and bubbling longing were not directed at me. I would be lying if I said that I did not bother a little about their relationship, because in the end I was excluded. We were a team of three people where two preferred each other, and I, left out of that circle of love, felt like the child who was not anyone's best friend. Of course I was not developing any obsessive depressive disorder or something, where I would end up murdering my own daughter for the attention of my wife and vice versa, but the fact is that I was rather immature, and I was feeling deprived. - One month! She said with a smile from ear to ear, lifting her from the cradle and bringing her close to her face. "You've got a month, my little ball! She's practically an adult! Sophie's first month had coincidentally fallen on a Saturday. If that had not happened, I was sure Lauren would be off work to spend the day with her. "You'll be speaking soon enough!" She finished. "You can drive soon enough. I joked, but she was too focused to notice the debauchery. - Uuuuuh, we're going to party! She said it all excitedly, holding one of her arms and making her punch in the air. Lauren could be adorable without even realizing it. - Let's go? - I said, "Is there going to be a party?" "Well ... It's going to be a private party. But hey, we have to celebrate! The celebration consisted of a family reunion in which the center of attention was Sophie and her pink woolen jumpsuit, which wrapped her almost completely to protect her from the cold October weather. I mean, it was just a Saturday like everyone else, except for the five whiskey goodies between Mike and Lauren. She was getting fatter and more charming with time. By now we had paid a visit to the pediatrician, who updated the diagnoses of the tests of the little foot, the little eye, the little ear and all in that style, which determined if our daughter was as perfect as she looked. Its development, growth curve and nutritional status had been evaluated and reassessed. Everything was fine. She was perfect. Meanwhile, I was getting more and more finished. My belly had not yet returned to normal, and this, added to the cut of the cesarean section just below the navel, was making me feel very deformed. My breasts were full of milk and they ached from the weight. I had the impression that my hair, my skin, and my fingernails were weaker, and my dark circles were gradually helping me to describe the half-dead falling apart. Maybe I should be careful as I wandered around the house at dawn, Lauren might mistake me for some walking corpse. It was not helping to maintain my self-esteem. Thinking about how I might feel better, I recalled that I had read somewhere that the "daddy of the new family," as the books liked to put it, "had a super important role in supporting, understanding, and giving love to Mommy." Since this was a troubled period in which "many things would be stirring within the woman and blah blah blah", it was important the dialogue between the couple, the search for balance and mutual well-being, and a few more things that I I did not remember.- Love, how are you? I blinked a few times until I found Lauren sitting in front of me on the bed. Sophie was nursing at 04:30 in the morning. "Why are you awake?" I told you to stop it, you've been too late and ... "" And you need to rest. " I know. "And why did not you go back to sleep?" "Because I looked around and saw you there. I continued to stare at her with my new mother reproachful look. "Hey, you can not blame me for enjoying watching you two. This had been the first time Lauren had meant not just Sophie, but me, too. And this caught me so off guard, especially when my thoughts were wandering the limits of my lack, that I could not hold back the smile. - We two? I asked, waiting for confirmation. "It's ..." she replied, probably not understanding the reason for my doubt. "It's hard to want to go back to sleep after such a scene. I blushed. Even though I knew the scene that Lauren was referring to was Sophie sucking and I was just a breast of milk in that process, it was good to hear her include me in the equation. Of course, her focus was on her, and it would probably still be for the rest of her life, but getting a little consideration at the time was good. It was good because I missed her, and because, even as a mother, I had insecurities that improved with a simple act of attention. Not that I wanted the same attention she gave (and should really) to our daughter - obviously - but only a little of it. The minimum necessary. "We'll be here when you wake up." - I responded with a new mood, allowing me to include myself in the sentence - Sleep. She smiled one of those simple, calm smiles. - I hope they are. - Lauren concluded, getting closer to me and kissing my shoulder - I depend on it. *** - Love, I have a news. Lauren proclaimed a bit disheartened as she walked through the door. I continued to stare at her with a neutral expression, perhaps wondering whether I should be concerned that such "news" might be so important that it had to be announced. - It's all right? I said suddenly, tired of waiting for her to take off her dress, and put on a more comfortable outfit. "More or less ... We've got a couple of little business issues, and ..." I took a deep breath. I knew of Michael's ability not to let anything serious happen to his company, and even if that was not the case, it was good to know that the issues in question were related to work, not Lauren's personal life. - ... and then the people will have to take a trip ... - Travel? "I paid attention again. "Yeah, but it's only for a week, then we'll be back ..." "You going?" I asked, a little surprised. She stared at me confused
.- Yeah, I'm going ... Were you listening to me? - More or less ... - Admit - Are you going to travel for a week? "Yes. We're going to Bristol, then to Liverpool. I thought for a while. - Who's going? Only you? "No, me and a few other people. I wondered if there were any women among those "some people." There could be more than one, inclusive. Should I be thinking about that? Should that be bothering me? - Is Mike going? I asked, trying to sound normal. - Go. Great. Her father would. She would not dare do anything stupid with her father there. She would not dare do any bullshit at all, would she? As I remained silent, she continued. "And we'll go tomorrow-" "Tomorrow?" I asked surprised. - It's ... The flight is in the morning at 9am ... But we'll be back in a week, I swear. And my mother will be here all the time ... I knew Clara would help me, but I did not want Lauren to walk away. For some reason I wish she was not on my side. "I know it's going to be bad," she continued, almost pouting. "I do not know how I can spend a week away from you now ..." "We." "Far from us." This was the second time she had included me in her lovemaking, and I was beginning to sensitize myself to it. As much as the lack of which she spoke was obviously much more directed at Sophie than at me. "Well ..." I started, half-defeated. "You can enjoy the rest of today." Yes, that was an attempt to flirt, but as I had imagined, Lauren did not notice. Probably the abnormal one in the story was me, since all the books I had read about pregnancy informed me that, shortly after the birth, it was normal that the attention was totally focused on the baby, and that the woman in particular would have no interest in sex . Except, well, I was just getting started. So that probably made me a horrible mother, who instead of paying attention only to her daughter began to draw plans of seduction to be able to apply them to the wife. Had Lauren already noticed the end of the quarantine? Had she noticed that by now we could have resumed relations for about two weeks? It did not matter. The important thing - and a little frustrating - was that she had taken my "enjoy the evening" as an indication that she should spend more time with Sophie. Partly, I agreed. He knew she would miss her, and she really thought she had to enjoy it while she was around. "You're becoming good at getting her to sleep." I did. - I know. She teased, placing it in her crib carefully, but not before bringing it close to her face and giving a passionate kiss to one of her pink cheeks. My heart melted like hot syrup, making me sigh."You look beautiful together ..." I let go without realizing it, and she simply smiled innocently. It was the truest truth: I could sit there and watch the two of them being cute with each other forever. But the fact was, intimately, I wanted a little attention as well. - Aaah, I do not want to go! She said suddenly, resting her chin on the cradle as she let Sophie squeeze the tip of her little finger between her little fingers unconsciously. "I do not want you to go either ..." I started, moving closer to her and tugging at the strands of her hair. It had been so long since I'd touched her that way - not in any way at all - that for a moment I felt the skin on my arms go a little creepy. When I looked at her, I noticed that her eyes were blinking slowly as the movement of my fingers. She was almost asleep. I stopped instantly. "I'm going to take a shower ..." I said, trying to wake her up. - Hmmm, okay. She said, already yawning. Before Lauren put an end to any imminent attempt on my part, I hurried to say, "We could enjoy it while she's sleeping. See a movie or something. You know, spend some time together since you're going to travel tomorrow." .. I did not need to explain myself so much. Whenever I did, it would seem a little silly, but I did not want her to think I was an idiot who was vying with her own daughter. That would be depressing. "Oh ..." Lauren began to stretch, and I wondered if she understood what exactly I had suggested. I'll wait you here. After saying this, she kissed me very gently and lay down on the bed, turning on the tv. Well, it did not look like a Lauren "full of will" as I remembered, but that's okay. Maybe if I let our wills take us, we could have an interesting night without being in the wild beforehand, but I just wanted to stay in her arms a bit, as exaggeratedly romantic as it sounded. I went into the shower and lathered twice, wanting the scent of soap to cover every pore of mine. I washed my hair with the most fragrant shampoo and conditioner that was there, and after finally putting on a red social shirt of hers - because I had no sweater, I never had - I left the bathroom confident. Only to come face to face with Lauren sleeping in bed while an animal show was on TV. I sighed deeply and slowly. It made me feel discouraged, but I understood. I knew she'd been working twice as hard as she'd been working lately, and maybe it was less selfish of me to let her rest. Without much to do, I turned off the TV, checked Sophie in the crib and lay down to sleep too. *** I did not know if that was possible, but I thought Sophie was missing Lauren. I could not define such a thing, but I had the impression that she was not only bored but also grumpier. - But she is OK? She asked for the fifth time. We had been talking on the phone for forty minutes, of which thirty-five were focused on her. - I already said yes. I just think she's getting tired of my face. Today she cried when I changed the diaper ... "But she never likes it when you change. "I know not!" I answered a little irritably. "But she never cried. Today was the first time ... - Has she slept well? "Yes ... It only takes a while to get back to sleep after you wake up ..." She sighed from the other end of the line. "If I can come back sooner, I'll be right back." I do not know why, but the impression I had was that Lauren was implying that I did not know how to take care of our daughter without her. "You do not have to. - I answered a little dry. "But she's missing me ..." "But she can live seven days without you. She did not answer, and as the seconds of silence passed I realized she had been rude. Not only that, but also unfair, with both Lauren and Sophie. They liked each other's company, and I had no right to say anything to keep them from killing each other. "Okay ..." She cleared her throat. "You must be tired, I'll call you tomorrow. Give her a kiss for me. - I 'm sorry ... - All right. I have to go now. A kiss. And he hung up. Great. Perfect. Lauren probably thought I was a possessive mother who wanted to keep her away from our daughter so I could have her. Or that Sophie was the only person there who was missing her. Maybe she would find both, and both could not be further from the truth.The next day, when she called again, she did not look shaken. He asked the same standard questions and told me a little of what his team was doing there, always in a rather casual tone. When I tried to apologize again for my childish attitude the day before, I was barred from explaining myself, hearing from her that "it was okay." And so it was until the last day of his journey. "I must arrive tomorrow at around 9PM. "Do you want us to pick you up at the airport?" - No way! It's too cold on the street. Do not worry, I'll run home as soon as I land in London. "Okay," I said, feeling a little blush. "I miss you ..." She sighed from the other end of the line. - I'm also camz ... But it's only until tomorrow. I knew it. It was only until the next day, but that week without her had aroused a rather passionate side in me. If it was difficult to sleep at night, because Sophie always woke me up, the task became impossible without Lauren at my side. I had already become accustomed to her presence, I had grown accustomed to sleeping with her body close to mine. The emptiness on the other side of that huge mattress gave me a feeling of overwhelming solitude, and perhaps my longing was more corrosive because I still felt guilty for the rude words I had said to her. So, the next day, counting the hours to review her, I showered Sophie on her, fed her and played with her in the middle of the bed. She made funny noises with her mouth, and I think that hypnotized me, because I did not see the hours pass. Suddenly, after a long time, I heard a car noise in front of the house. A minute later, which was a record given the size of that place, the biggest white plush bear I'd ever seen in life came through the door with Lauren clinging to his back. - I returned! She turned around, leaving the bear at the foot of the bed and moving closer to Sophie. She always looked like a beetle with the bark down, slowly swinging her arms and legs as she continued to squeeze her tongue. "Do you know how hard it was to get away from you little ball?" You know? She asked as she kissed his belly. Her arms hugged her head as if it were a pillow - How miss you! Her eyes were still wide, as if sleeping was the last thing she wanted to do. Sophie and Lauren continued "chatting" excitedly, where she asked something and she answered with a low click on her tongue. They stayed in it for about a minute, and I stood there watching all that cuteness without saying anything. "Hey, it's your bear!" - She said suddenly, getting to her feet and grabbing the forgotten plush near the bed - Although I think you need to grow a little to play with him. She placed the bear next to Sophie on the mattress. She must have been about the size of one of the animal's legs. "And this is for you." She said, sitting back on the mattress and coming up to me for the first time. The next moment, Lauren held a jewel box in her hands, and I was ready to physically assault her. But when she opened it, showing me what was inside, I could not contain my admiration. - The stone is a citrus. It was a leather cord, unlike the absurdly expensive jewels she used to give me. From the middle hung a heart-shaped pendant, with very delicate gold notches at the edges. The bright stone was yellow. "I think it will look good on you." Liked? - She asked. - It's beautiful! "Thank you ..." She interrupted me, pulling me into her arms with a little strength and kissing me as I had not done for a long time. I offered no resistance, too surprised by his attitude. - I missed you too. Did I tell you I can not sleep without you? She said, still very close to my mouth. My eyes were still closed. "Then make sure you sleep nights and do not leave my side any more." I replied, kissing her lightly again. She laughed. "If it was up to me, I had not gone." It was seven hellish days. As much as they can live without me during this time, I can not live without some people ... "She blinked and smiled at me, but as much as it seemed like a joke I was convinced that Lauren had been annoyed with my words. Just remembering them already proved that."I just said that because it looked ..." "It's over, leave it ..." It sounded like you were insinuating that I could not take care of her as well as you. I kept explaining, as if she had not interrupted me. Lauren's eyes widened. "I would never have insinuated that!" It's a stupid thing to think- "" No, it's not. "You're much better at it than I am." You know how to deal with it. She likes you more ... She held my face firmly in her hands, forcing me to stare at her and stop talking. "Do not be silly. You know how to deal with it better than anyone else. And she does not like me anymore. - Come on, Lo. You know this is true. I'm not complaining ... "" You have a very distorted view of things. You may not notice how quiet she is when you play with her hair, or how she looks at you when she is nursing, or how she likes to smell your skin. I was silent for a moment, perhaps wondering if what she said could be true. "Where did you get that from?" "I see what you do not see. "If she's looking for someone to please her, she'll find someone to calm her down." It does not mean she likes me better. It means we have different roles in her life. Where had she taken that from? From some self-help book? And why had she convinced me? "You're an excellent mother. She concluded. "Do not let your insecurity convince you otherwise. I was almost thrashing in tears and jumping on her lap for simply trusting me that way, but it was at that moment that I noticed the giant bear tumbling on the mattress, consequently burying my daughter. - Oh my God! I pulled the plush off of her, finding her flailing and wriggling desperately at her little legs and arms. Oh, yes, I was an excellent mother. A mother who let her own daughter be crushed by a killer teddy bear. - Oooh, she got scared! Lauren said, unable to hold her laughter. Sophie let out a faint, sly cry, as if she was really hurt with whoever had allowed that tragedy to happen. I picked her up and hugged her, silently apologizing for her lack of attention. I checked if she had hurt herself, which obviously had not happened, and I kissed her until she stopped crying. "This bug will stay away from her until she can get under him alone if she needs to!" I said a little nervously, which made Lauren laugh even more in my face. - Yes ma'am. She replied, saluting. That night Lauren stayed with Sophie until she slept. This was repeated for the rest of the week, and I thought it fair to let them enjoy themselves after so long, even more so because I still felt bad for what I had told her. Of course, that meant that I had been momentarily put aside, which, as a consequence, my lack and an abdicated will for a long time emerged. But maybe it was time to remind Lauren that I was her wife. "I was looking for you." She said as she stepped into the video room while pulling her coat back to dress him the right way. I was waiting for her to get out of the shower a few minutes ago, dropping on the couch and watching anything on the TV. I had worn the red social shirt that had once been hers. It was deliberate, I knew Lauren liked to see me with her."You look tired." I said, opening my arms to her as she tried to look sexy. Obviously I failed. - Because? Am I so finished? She laughed, ignoring my offered hug and sitting on the couch, already pulling me into her lap. I took the coat from her hands and threw it away. She did not need to dress, no matter how cold the night was. "You're never finished." I left a soft kiss on her lips, thinking about how to approach that subject. "I miss you. She smiled simply and stared at me for a moment before returning the kiss, this time being a little more intense. His hand snaked around my neck, and I remembered how I loved it when it happened. "I miss you too ..." Lauren paused for a moment, biting my lower lip and pressing me against her. "Longing ..." I kissed her again, now hard, remembering how good it was. She seemed to remember the same thing, because she insisted on deepening the kiss as she held me in her arms. By then I doubted anything else had to be said to make her understand what my plans were. I gripped her hair, almost missing it. His hands wandered over the cloth of my shirt, at first squeezing my waist gently, then becoming a slightly more aggressive grip. I pulled her closer to me and she understood. Without much effort, Lauren lifted me up a little and made me lie down on the couch, lying on top of me as I kissed and licked my neck. My whole body began to catch fire, as if begging for her touch. As his hands began to rise slowly up my leg, making every inch of my skin crawl, I heard a low, shrill cry coming from outside. Lauren let out a wailing groan near my ear, and though that was not to excite me, it turned me on. "She must be hungry ..." I gasped against her mouth as she still unconsciously wrapped her fingers in her hair. "It's ..." she said in a sad voice. - I'll go there ... You ... - I'll wait. She concluded, kissing my neck in a very sensitive spot, as she forced her body against mine, showing me how "excited" she was. "I will not be long ..." I kissed her as a brief farewell, but I could not detach our lips. She did not do it either, and when we were almost squeezing to the point of aggression, the crying became even sharper. - Hmmmmfff ... I have ... What to go ... She took a deep breath and left me. I got up a little dizzy, but pretending to have control over myself. I looked at her with a crying face and silently begged her to wait for me. But his obvious erection told me she was willing to stay awake. - Go ... And I went. I reached the room and found Sophie struggling and fumbling. The typical cry of hunger. I took her in my lap and sat on the bed, making her lower the volume of the screams. Probably she already knew that the procedure preceded the milk. When she reached my chest, she began to suckle like a desperate hungry, the way she always did. "How can you fit so much milk into you?" I asked softly, running my fingers through her little head. Sophie continued to suck in, her eyes wide and fixed on mine. My question was answered after twenty minutes, time required for her to finish dinner. Placing her on her lap to make her rest from her blowjob or burp, putting her head over my shoulder, I was completely vomited. There was milk not only on my shoulder, but also on my hair, neck, and arms. "There's not enough milk in you." I answered myself out loud. I reached for a clean cloth quickly and dried her mouth, trying to make her feel better. But she seemed calm as if she were just waiting for time to pass. "You see what happens to greedy babies?" I spread a towel on the bed and laid my daughter on top of it. I changed their clothes, discarding the dirty ones and leaving them clean again. She was almost asleep, and I wondered if there was any milk left inside her.She asked, looking amused. "She eats more than she can ..." I replied. She took it in her lap and tucked it into her arms, laying it there, and began to nip it. Almost instantly Sophie slept. - I'm really good ... - Sure. - I answered with mockery, watching her take her to the crib and leaving her there. She looked at me again. "It's ..." I started, trying to see my own state. In short, I was all vomited and smelling of sour milk. - IS. She pointed out. - I think it would be good to clean myself ... - Yeah, I think so. We were silent for a moment. "So I'm going to take a shower ..." "Okay." "It's going to be a quick shower. - Frisei. - I will be here. She lay on the bed, resting her head against the pillows, and I knew that would not work. - Do not sleep. I asked, picking up the first piece of clean linen folded in a pile on the armchair. "Okay." She laughed, putting her hands behind her head in a waiting position. I ran to the bathroom and took a quick shower, as promised, but still neat. I rubbed myself with the chamomile soap and used my usual shampoo, making enough foam to remove any trace of milk there. I dried myself unceremoniously and put on the only piece of clothing I had brought with me: a dark green zippered sweater from Lauren, three times bigger than me. I combed my hair quickly and put my almond cream on my shoulders and chest, wanting to make her even more aroused. I was ready to have my "first night" with her again, which, after some time of abstinence, was making me foolishly anxious. I left the coat a little open, purposefully slung over one shoulder - my ridiculous attempt to be sexy - and after taking one last look in the mirror (making sure that all the defects that were supposed to be hidden were hidden and what could to be shown was shown), I left confidently from the bathroom. But upon entering the room I plunged into a dark and silent environment. I could only see the silhouette of Lauren lying on the bed. The lights were off as she and Sophie slept as deep as dead. Bitch that gave birth ... I sighed, unable to contain the sadness. I could wake her to punches and demand that she fulfill her duties as a wife. I could also wake her up with kisses and leave her "ready" for our evening. But I would not do that. I knew how hard she had been working, and as much as I thought Lauren should feel even more lacking in sex than I, I would not be unpleasant enough to interrupt her rest from a laborious day to quench my will. I crawled dejectedly back into the bathroom, grabbing some rubber band and tucking my hair into a badly made ponytail. I put the zipper up to protect my still damp skin from the cold of the room, put on a comfortable pair of panties and took one last look at Sophie, as she did every night.At last I climbed the enormous bed and lay down in defeat, turning on my side and waiting for sleep to come. "Are you suddenly asleep?" I heard his voice at the foot of my ear in the dark and jumped in surprise. His arm wrapped around my waist and his body molded behind me. She kissed and bit my ear with little force, and that made my whole body tremble. "I thought you were asleep ..." I said, trying to disguise the tremor in my voice. "I told you I was not going to sleep." His hand smoothed my thigh and rose to my belly through his coat. I took a deep breath. "But I thought-" "I think I'm going to have to wake you up again." - She spoke in a stupidly sexy voice, and the same second her hand that had played in my belly was to stop inside my panties. "No need ..." I rubbed against her body like a worm. "I'm wide awake already. Lauren played with her fingers in my pussy as if she had a piano between my legs. I was already panting so loud I wondered if that sound would not wake Sophie, who slept soundly in the crib beside us. She tore off my panties anyway and leaned over me a little, reaching the drawer of the bedside table beside me and taking out a condom and a tube of lubricant. - Do you have a condom? I asked, looking at her. - Have. "You said you did not ..." "I said that when I really did not have it. "And why do you now?" She stared at me, seeming to amuse herself with my question. "Do you want to get pregnant again?" I paused to think a little, coming to the brilliant conclusion that she was right. "You have to go back to taking the contraceptives, because I can not eat you right with that fucking rubber." It was true, sex with and without a condom was quite different sensations. But the fact was that I had to look for a contraceptive that did not affect breastfeeding and that I could adapt well to my body, so that task would be for later. For an hour, even if it was not ideal, condoms were good enough to put out my fire. And my fire was starting to burn for real. I turned to face her and jumped into her lap, nailing her pants off anyway. Lauren grabbed me by the waist and sat down, sticking her lips to mine as she forced my body against hers in a wave motion. She was hard as a stone, thank God.like a stone, thank God. I grabbed her limb with both hands and made the right moves, remembering how good it was to touch her like that. She leaned her forehead against mine and stood motionless for some time, perhaps remembering how good my touch was too. After a while his hands reached for the pack of the forgotten condom at our side and opened it at once. I took it from her hands and wrapped the rubber across the length of her limb, being careful to dress it the right way. As excited as it was, my lubrication was not normal. According to the doctor, this was related to the decrease in estrogen levels, which consequently decreased the blood supply in the vagina ... Or something. Anyway, Lauren remembered this explanation better than I did, and so she had already gotten ahead of her and left the lubricant to ease the whole thing. - Not! I spoke in a low tone close to her ear as she turned to light the bedside lamp. - Because? I want to see you ... - Sophie is sleeping ... The clarity will bother ... It was a lie. It was not for fear of bothering her that I wanted the lights out-even because I'd sleep peacefully even with the sun on her face-but because I did not want her to see me. My body was still very strange, half disproportionate and with spots and scars. It might be silly, but I'd feel more at ease that way. My self-esteem was not so strong by then. She accepted my request, though still a little annoyed. I waited for his magical fingers to pass all that liquid on me and then to smear his own already clothed member. - Maybe I'll hurt you. She started against my mouth. "It will not hurt ..." I answered, already standing up a little on his lap and taking his cock in one hand to position it at my entrance. "But get hurt ..." I interrupted her sentence by sitting down at once. It was true that it had ached a little, but it was an absolutely bearable pain, almost impossible to ignore. Maybe because I was more focused on the low moan that came out of her mouth as I felt her completely invade me. I moved slowly in her lap, taking care not to make a sound, no matter how sure Sophie would not wake up. Lauren wrapped her arms around my waist tightly, reinforcing the soft movements I tried to make. As usual, I grabbed her hair and searched for her mouth in the dark, finding her and attacking her unabashedly. My God, how good it was to be with her again ... - Let me do it. "I heard her say it suddenly, lifting me effortlessly and turning around until I was lying on my back on the bed. When she put herself between my legs and it penetrated me again, I think I saw stars. I felt the zipper of the coat I wore descend a little and let my chest exposed, but the momentary cold lasted very little - Her mouth was already there, covering and wetting one of my breasts very gently. I gripped her hair even harder, concentrating not to moan loudly, but came back to reality when I heard a low chuckle. - What is it? I asked, still without air. She took some time to respond, still playing with her tongue in that region. "I forgot that milk is coming out now. - Shit - I tried to pull the jacket to clean the liquid - I had to do the manual milking before us ... - No ... No problem. She took my hands and pulled her coat back. When my chest was free again, she sucked on the same breast again and began to suck, as if this was a completely normal thing. And then a very strange thought began to pop in my head. "You're ..." "I'm sucking. I am. "Oh, my God ..." I tried to release my hands from her grip, but Lauren was much stronger than I was. - What is it? "That's ... Wrong ... In many ways ..." I replied, trying not to gasp.- It is not good? - It's mostly wrong because it's good! She laughed as she licked her beak provocatively, and my eyes fluttered. "I'm sure you can sort things out." She concluded. It's obvious that when our daughter was pregnant, it was a completely different feeling when Lauren did that. But it was strange because, in practice, it was the very thing. I could end up psychologically fucked, relating one sensation to another and misrepresenting morality issues and everything. I had read reports of mothers who stopped breastfeeding because they could not make the necessary differences between the role of breast in breastfeeding and intercourse, and had also read reports of parents refusing to touch their wife in that way. Lauren apparently did not see any problem with that, and if I were to consider how she seemed willing to not stop what she was doing, I would say that the problem was only with myself. To get my attention from there, she decided to move back inside me in a very good way. It must have been all that time without a good fuck, but the fact was that I was finding every touch much, much better than it used to be. Maybe the pregnancy had made me more sensitive, or maybe she just got better at it. Lauren knelt on the bed between my legs and gripped my waist tightly, making me lie still on the mattress as she thrust me into it. I grabbed a pillow nearby and shoved it all into my mouth, trying to contain the moans that came out every time her cock came back into me. It was impossible to control. The movements held for some time. She must have been tired, but I was not paying attention. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feel of our bodies. It was too perfect. Even in the dark, I could see the way her body writhed. She did not need to announce, I knew I was close to having an orgasm. Since I was also almost exploding, I tried to get us both together, but I could not and I went first. She followed me trying to strangle the scream too, which, in my case, was only possible because I had almost swallowed the pillow.- Shit ... - She whispered without even finishing to enjoy - Shit, I ... I hate ... That ... Rubber ...! I waited for her to utter other curses and curses against the condom, but Lauren said nothing. After some time resuming her breathing, she finally lay on top of me and stood there a little, tired and sweaty, even in the cold that night. "It's serious ..." She started close to my ear, being silent for a few seconds as if she was too lazy to finish the sentence. "Next time I'm going to enjoy it. I do not use this shit again ever again. Smile. I did not care what she said: I was too good to pay attention. I stroked her hair as usual, perhaps thanking her silently for doing so well. Lauren seemed to be enjoying the moment just as I did, and it was after a long time that he spoke again: "I missed you." I was sure she was already asleep, so I was scared. It took me a little while to respond. - Same? - Clear. I always feel. "Then why did not you come to me?" She rested her chin on my chest to look at me. - Because I was "respecting your space". I stared back at her, confused. - What space? "I know you have all this adjustment after the birth, that you just bonded with the baby, and I did not want to pressure you ... I wanted to respect your wishes and such ... I did not want you to think I was crazy for this Well, actually I was, but I let you decide ... - Yeah. I interrupted her. I had already understood. "Are you telling me you knew the quarantine was over?" - Of course ... - She left a fluffy kiss between my breasts - But you did not say anything about it, so I stayed in mine. I think working too hard and coming home tired helped me to "resist". I kept looking at her. "Have you been late on purpose?" - Not! She paused, thinking for a moment. "Only sometimes ..." "Since when do you want to?" She laughed, as if the question had been silly. - Since we stopped doing it. It is not obvious? "What if I only wanted it in a long time?" "I'd have to wait, would not I?" She punctuated with a half-sad expression, kissing me again. "But you're back to wanting, so lucky me." For one thing, that was beautiful. She would be willing to control her enraged hormones to respect my stage of adaptation to that novelty. The least I expected was a little understanding, but I knew it was difficult. Being willing to wait and not touch the subject, afraid that I would feel pressured, was lovely. However, on the other hand, I could have already "had to see" for days. "I really think we have to practice the dialogue between the two of us.- Because? - You're welcome. I kissed her passionately and turned on the bed, pulling her off me and standing up. - Hey! Where are you going? - Take another shower. "But I did not even push you," she said, grimacing and pointing at the condom still on. Laugh at your reaction. "You put your mouth where your daughter puts it, too." I have to wash myself. "I got close to her again and bit her ear a little." Do you want to come along? " She looked at me, then at the condom, then at me again. - Can I come outside? I made a disapproving face, walking to the bathroom. "I'm just calling you for a shower, Lauren. Do not be depraved. But before I left her sight, I spoke again. "And yes, you can enjoy it outside." Obviously, she came after me. *** Sophie smiled for the first time on the exact day she was two months old, and, of course, Lauren. She was determined to make her understand her arguments about music, which apparently amused her. "So you agree?" She spoke excitedly, and she smiled again. We were at Clara and Mike's, and the two of them seemed completely taken aback by the scene as well. She spent most of the time staring at Lauren with absolute attention, noticing the grimaces she made and how she moved her hands. With a few more weeks, she not only smiled but tried to imitate her facial expressions. Lauren was amused by it, and challenged her to make the dumbest faces she could. The scene was lovely, but often I had to remind her that she woke up early the next day and that, therefore, the best thing to do after spending more than three hours "talking" to Sophie was to sleep. At three months she was already smiling so much that I did not understand how the muscles of her face did not get tired. She would do it to anyone who decided to talk to her, whether it was Lauren, me, the grandparents, the pediatrician or someone on the street. It was as if she simply loved everyone. Aside from smiling at people, Sophie liked to talk to them. It was enough for someone to say something to her that started a debate. If the person continued his arguments, she would babble and make sounds in response until she was tired. Sometimes the word need not even be directed at it. "Our daughter is communicative, is not she?" Lauren chuckled, watching Sophie respond to the reporter on the cable TV news channel. It was at this age that her eyes began to change. As far as we could see, her irises seemed to turn to brown, which caused Lauren to start singing victory, and I, to disappoint myself a bit. "But she's all your face." I argued. "But the eyes are yours. "It will be the most beautiful eyes in the world. But as the days passed, something began to change. It simply did not look as it should.- Love. - She called me when I got out of the bath. - Come here. We were on a Saturday. It was 9 o'clock in the morning, and the day was exceptionally clear and warm. I walked over to the bed and stared at Sophie, who was enjoying herself on the mattress with Lauren sitting next to her. She seemed to be talking and laughing to herself. - What is it? - Look at her. I looked at her and she looked back at me, already smiling and making sounds of joy. "Um ..." I snapped. - Was that supposed to be? "I do not know ..." "Is it clarity?" - I think not. We were silent for a while as she ignored us, playing with her own fingers as if they were magic. I reached for a colorful toy that hung from its cradle and brought it to her. Sophie stopped facing her own hands and looked at the object in front of her. His eyes flashed. I moved him from side to side, as if hypnotizing her. She followed with her eyes the movement I was making, looking very composite. I took one hand in front of his right eye and repeated the movement. She continued to follow him with her single unlocked eye. I repeated the procedure with my left eye, and once again Sophie followed the object with the utmost attention. "There does not seem to be any problem ..." I finished. "But ... I wish her eyes were the same as yours, I did not want them to be green." "I do not care about that. Lo, the important thing is that our daughter is healthy, the color of her eyes does not matter. *** People who were not accustomed were always half hypnotized by my daughter. She aroused an immediate sympathy with Lauren's friends who eventually visited us, or the people passing by on the street. That was because she was already beautiful by herself, and that my opinion had nothing to do with the fact that I was her mother (which consequently made me think she was beautiful anyway). My daughter was one of those magazine-coated babies, that kind of child who looked like an angel and who made others smile unconsciously. But there was no way to be different from this: Being virtually a Lauren's xerox, it was humanly impossible for her not to be beautiful to hurt. "Neither are my eyes. Only the color of the hair. I could not stop laughing. At least something she pulled at you. - IS. 5% of my daughter is mine. - She's the cutest 5% of her. Our ramblings were interrupted by a loud and sudden cry. - But you just suckled! I spoke in surprise, taking her in my arms. "But I'm hungry again." Lauren said in a thin, ridiculous voice, speaking for her. - Right. If there's no more milk inside you, vomit on your other mommy this time, okay? Although time passed and I was even aware of it, it was not the cold or any bright decor on the streets that warned me at what time of year we were. The news of Christmas arrived with guests who, without the slightest warning, decided to make a little visit. - Mila! When Clara called me asking if "they" could pay me a visit, I had imagined that Mike had left work early and would accompany her to say hello to the little girl. What I did not realize was that Taylor, Oliver, and a very fat baby with a bad face come along.- Taylor! - Merry Christmas! - She said, entering the hall between a hop and another and giving me a hug. I wished Merry Christmas in a mechanical way, for the first time doing the mental accounts and coming to the conclusion that we were on December 23rd. - When you arrived? I asked, still a little bewildered. - Today. Oliver replied with a broad, sincere smile, and for the first time I noticed how bright and bright his smile was. Maybe because he rarely smiled. "How's it going?" "Well, I'll be fine ..." I looked down and stared at the pink ball that Oliver carried in a type of bag attached to his torso. The ball was completely encasacled and wrapped in blue cloths, but you could see two legs that hung to the sides, like two fat arms. - Mila, Enzo. Enzo, Mila. - Taylor made the introductions - And yes, he is a very serious baby. Enzo stared at me for the first time with curiosity. "Who are you?", "Where am I?" and "Why are you looking at me?" it must have been just a few questions that were going through his mind. His expression was very, very serious, as if I were saying things of absolute importance. "Why, hello, sweetheart!" I said, unable to stop laughing, leading the index finger to his little hands covered with wool overalls. They were clenched into fist, but I felt, even under the cloth, that he had opened them to my touch. And then, as if he had nothing better to do, he gave a shy, crooked smile. - Oliver. Taylor said, and his voice was alarming. It scared me, but then I realized it was just an irony. "He smiled. Did you take a picture of that? "He does not laugh at me. Clara looked rather sad. "She never smiled. I'm almost fancying Santa to try somehow ... "He barely smiles. Oliver explained, interested in his son who had now become serious again. "But he has such a handsome smile." And so ... alive! I concluded, coming to the conclusion that the glow emanating from Enzo when he smiled had been inherited from Oliver's own smile. - Yeah. But he never shows the smile he has. I think that's why when that happens everyone gets kind of pissed. He seems to be able to control people's moods when he does this, I do not know. It was true. His smile had even left the cozier mood there. The feeling was weird, but very good. "But what about your daughter?" Taylor said in a squeaky voice. "Mine has eyes only for her other mother. - I made a fucking face. Enzo found this funny and laughed again. I continued with a tone of abandonment in my voice. "At least your son likes me." "Oh, do not be jealous, my dear. - Clara said funny - Sophie likes everyone. Even the postman. "I hear she's the opposite of Enzo." Oliver said. "Well, yes, she even laughs at an open fracture ..." "She's upstairs. Let's go. I concluded, calling them upstairs. When we got to the bedroom, Sophie was sleeping soundly. - She is beautiful! - Oliver whispered - Really beautiful! - She's Lauren's face! Taylor followed, looking genuinely astonished. - Yes, it is. At that moment, Enzo suddenly screamed, and the noise was enough not only to frighten everyone there, but to make Sophie wake up in alarm.- Wow! - She sure is a mini Lauren! I was going to say something, but since the first things Sophie had seen after waking up scared were the unfamiliar faces of Taylor and Oliver, she began to cry deafeningly. - Hey, easy! I am here! I said a little loudly, catching her on her lap and rocking her, trying to make her stop crying. "Calm, sunshine ... You have even a little friend to play with now ... It was no good. His high-pitched cry was loud, as if someone had torn his fingers one by one. And then, as a superhero or something weird, Lauren came through the door (uncovered) with an unmistakable air of "This is a job for Super-Lauren!" "Calm down, my little ball ..." She said, pulling her into his lap and rocking her in the same way I had done. "Ready, done ... It's gone ... Shhh ... And of course, in less than fifteen seconds, she began to calm down. "Like I was saying," I began again, pretending to be natural, "she has eyes only for her other mother. - Hi, Taytay. Hi, Oliver. She said smiling, hugging her sister as best she could and holding out her free hand to squeeze her brother-in-law while still swinging Sophie almost as if she were a lemon beating being prepared. "And you must be Enzo, right?" Enzo, who by now was bored with the whole situation, stared at Lauren as if she were just another grain of dust in the room. - Yeah, he prefers Mila. Oliver said smiling. "Well, someone had to prefer ..." I joked, watching Sophie calm down. Lauren turned her in her lap, placing her facing Enzo. Finding his cousin's eyes, she stopped crying completely, staring at him as if he were the most interesting toy she had ever seen in her life. He took an interest in her, more than Lauren, and it took a few seconds - maybe minutes - until either of them did something. Enzo then took his hand up to Sophie's arm and stood there, doing absolutely nothing in particular, only recognizing her with touch. When she smiled openly at him, perhaps because she found him very funny, he returned the smile and "said" something, which Sophie answered promptly. Enzo countered her cousin's argument and she laughed at what he said, and then there were five idiot adults watching children of three and five months talking in unfamiliar language about something that was apparently very interesting. - Oh my God! Clara let out a little shriek. "What a beautiful thing!" It was a good way to start Christmas. *** Chris arrived the next day, grabbing all the babies he found ahead. And as a consequence of his somewhat explosive personality, both Sophie and Enzo were immediately in Chris's face. It was undeniable, even by then, that he would always be the "favorite uncle": There was no way he could not have fun with it. I had fun with it. The supper and family reunion were, as usual, at Mike and Clara's house. Apparently she had given herself a camera, for the sole purpose of registering the grandchildren. Everywhere she looked, there was Clara firing a flash. A quick glance at the saved photos showed, for the most part, Sophie, Enzo, Sophie and Enzo, and Sophie, Enzo and Chris together. Few showed, from time to time, Taylor, Oliver, Lauren, Mike and me talking or doing anything else. And that was all he had recorded that Christmas. Luckily, everyone had decided not to give gifts on that occasion. I thought it was great, first because I did not care for presents, and second because I had not bought anything for anyone. Unlike the previous Christmas (where all the attention was focused first on me - Lauren's new girlfriend - and then, for Taylor's pregnancy), there was no other subject that was not related to the babies.They were really the most interesting things there. Unfortunately, the Christmas holidays of the international members of the Jauregui family were always fast, so early the next morning we said goodbye to Taylor, who insisted that we visit them in France as soon as possible, and Chris, who promised to return next Christmas with a girlfriend. A week later we were already saying goodbye to that year. We had no plans for New Year's Eve, which, frankly, I did not care. In my view, there was nothing better in the world than ending one year and starting another with my family. Spending that moment with Lauren and our daughter had an even more special significance: I remembered that we had been together for about a year. It's been a year since we met again, since I felt stupidly happy. And then only a year seemed like very little time. Very little time to feel what I felt for her. Very little time for me to be happy that way. - It's all right. A little voice spoke inside my head. "You still have the rest of your life with her." It's just the beginning. *** At four months Sophie developed the ability to make sharp, long screams of excitement. She did it when something pleased her so much, which meant that every time Lauren came home from work my headache was growing, because our daughter looked like a mother's tale. "I'm happy to see you, too." I began to think that situation was a bit unfair. Of course, Sophie had to like Lauren more: She had a way to miss her more, since she stayed all day without seeing her, and at the end of the day, all she did was amuse her. From me she could no longer bear to see the face, but it was enough to hear Lauren's voice that her little world was an amusement park with flying ponies. "Have you drugged our daughter?" She can not be so happy to see you. She made a face of "going to take in the ass" before answering dryly: "Of course it is possible. She likes me. Is not it, my beautiful thing? She answered your question with a "iiih aaah". - "Beautiful". - "Iiiih aah". She repeated, clutching at her face with one hand on either side and watching the movement of her mouth mesmerized an inch away. "She's going to be talking" Lauren "before she can say" mama. " I babbled half jealous, but quite interested in both. "She's going to be a genius!" "Eeeh iahhh." At five months Sophie was just cheeks and folds. Her eyes were growing different, making her more and more beautiful. If she used to smile openly at her other mother, now I swore I could hear her laughing at the antics she was doing. When Lauren presented the piano to her, her world seemed to change. From then on no day could be spent without her touching anything to her. Since her little fingers still did not have enough strength to press the key and make some sound from her, she was content to hear any melody that came from her mother's fingers, sitting on her lap. Meanwhile, I was obviously being forgotten by the singing like that boring old aunt of the family whom no one really likes. - Love ... - Lauren entered the room with Sophie in the lap, crying as if under torture - I think she is hungry. I lowered the book and made a face of landscape, making fun of: "Ah, your charms do not work in those hours? "No ... I think only milk works at that time, and I do not produce it." I mean ... "" Stop talking right away. "Okay." She laughed wryly, handing me Sophie. As recommended by the doctor, I started to stop breastfeeding after Sophie completed six months of life. Although I did not want to, and found myself a lousy mother for denying something she clearly wanted (and craved when I did not have it), I had to stand firm on that decision. It was a strong bond that we had, but it had to be gradually diminished, or at least adapted in some way. It was also at this stage that she learned how to demonstrate the lack of Lauren. If Sophie had only cried when she felt hungry, now, realizing that she had not seen her mother for a long time, she would cry out. The pediatrician had explained to us that over time the child tended to suffer a little more when he saw himself separated from his parents, because that notion came to exist in him. She came to understand and recognize when someone called her name, and to see her react to it was lovely.The intonation of the words we spoke was immediately repeated-or at least tempted. We had to redouble our care when her newest craze was to grab everything she could see from the front and put it in her mouth. - The breast ring is not! I stared at Lauren sprawled on the couch with Sophie on top of her, licking her wedding ring as if it were made of chocolate. - Babies ... - Laugh. "When will she start to talk?" In response, Sophie let out a noise in an attempt to imitate what Lauren had said. "About eight months, maybe. She looked at her again. - What about training? Your first word will be "mama", will not it? - "Aaah" - "Maa-maaah" - "Aaah- aaah" - Almost there. She finished, kissing her. I sighed. - What is it? Lauren asked, looking at me for the first time. - You. - What have we got? Sophie nuzzled her nose, making her giggle in surprise. "They're a double." I said, going to sit next to them. To my surprise, when she saw me nearby, she crawled as best she could and stopped in my lap when she seemed comfortable enough. It was the first time Sophie had preferred Lauren to me. - Hey. Tired of me? Elap asked, getting closer too. She rubbed her cheek on my arm and yawned, and I had to control myself not to grab her and fill her with kisses. "She had a hard day. He joked more than he could. Do not demand anything else from her. I said playfully, taking her in her lap and running my fingers over her little head. - Hmm. That's a great strategy. "What strategy?" - Make her tired. So she sleeps early. - She concluded, passing the indicator lightly on my leg and looking at me with a manic-sexual face - And so we can go to sleep late. You know? I liked it when she insinuated that she wanted something with me (besides talking about Sophie). Our routine as a couple, though not quite back to normal yet, was headed for that. I was already taking the right pills and Lauren had already thrown the condoms into the trash, but we still had a baby too small to care for. Which meant that sex could not be done like this, whenever we wanted to. - For! - What? - For! Now! She stopped moving. We were nestled in a shell on the bed, covered and, until that moment, enjoying the weather.- Because? She asked breathlessly against my shoulder, unable to contain the disappointment in her voice. - She is awake! Sophie was lying in the crib with her head turned towards us, her hand in her mouth, her eyes wide and a face of the one who found what she saw very interesting. This was disturbing. - We're covered! She can not see what we're doing! She finished laughing at the foot of my ear, coming back to me. - She's looking! "And even if she saw ... She does not know what it is ..." "No! For! I pulled away from her by force, looking for my panties somewhere and dressing her. "Nooo ..." She tried to pull me back, but I jerked away from her arms. Damn, I was not going to get to have sex with my daughter watching! As much as she had no idea what was happening. "What is it, sunshine?" Why are you awake? I asked quietly as I pulled her out of the crib. "Do you want to sleep on Mom's lap?" After some customary jolts and a little whimper, Sophie slept. Sometimes it seemed that all she needed was a little bit of a treat. - Ready! Mission Accomplished. Now come back here ... "Lauren said in a crying voice. Since she no longer woke up bellowing as before, we found it acceptable to return with the crib to her room. So we would not have to go out and go somewhere else whenever we wanted to be together, because Sophie had caught up with the mania of waking up in the middle of the night and silently watching things in the dark like a psychopath. The first good-bye she gave was obviously to Lauren. Leaving the room on a Thursday morning, Lauren waved hysterically at her, and she returned. She was so fascinated by the fact that she arrived late at work. In the same way, Sophie also crawled into her, watching her come home on any given day. She was still learning to coordinate her little arms and legs, so she went straight for her mother - but she did. Since the floor was covered with a fluffy carpet, she did not hurt herself when she unbalanced and fell, which allowed us to find her twisted little tricks very funny. Sophie crawling meant twice the care. If she could get where she wanted, we had to stop her. Her apparent hyperactivity made me believe that one day when I came back from the bathroom I would find her playing with the set of knives in the kitchen or trying to go downstairs in the middle of the stairs. In contrast, I was the first to see her standing alone in the crib. I was on the phone with Clara, and Sophie desperately wanted my lap. As I chose to pick it up as soon as I'd finished the call, she'd lost her temper and balancing herself with the help of the bars, standing up and stretching all the way for me to get her out of there. Of course I was moved and I caught her in the lap the same minute, filling her with kisses. When I told Lauren, she was envious of me. His first tooth was born, filling everyone with pride. I think Clara cried. The pool became one of their favorite places in the world, which made me develop a compulsion to always check that all the doors to that area were properly locked. Clapping had become her favorite hobby, as well as rolling on the floor and babbling unrecognizable things to herself. If it were not for the social thing my daughter loved to do with any stranger on the street, I would say she could be autistic. But no, Sophie was only entertaining herself. Lauren bought colorful books, musical instruments for babies (a pianinho, a tamborzinho and a xylophone) and toys full of shapes and colors. She spent hours putting things in a bucket and taking them out again, and when she grew tired of it, her own fat little fingers seemed enough to leave her hypnotized for a long time. "Did you see how beautiful you are?" Lauren said, pointing to her reflection in the large mirror in the foyer. She leaned forward and put her two little hands there, opened her mouth and licked the glass. "I'm glad I cleaned that mirror ten minutes ago. I concluded, arranging things in my bag. We were leaving for lunch at Mike and Clara's. - Thank God. She sighed, watching her stop herself from licking and noticing the reflection of herself right there beside her. When her little eyes met hers in the mirror, Lauren spoke again. "Hi." She laughed. - Who I am? - She asked. She continued to stare at her curiously. - "Maa-maaa". "Maah." "Maaa-Maaah." - "Maaa mmmm". "Mamm -..." - I wait. - I concluded. - "Maa-Ma". - SHE SAID! Sophie laughed at Lauren's shriek. - She did not speak mama ... - She said yes! - She said "maahmaa."- It's the same thing! "Maah Maa." - Okay, she's a genius. - She spoke in a serious way, getting carried away by hysteria - I'm going to enroll her in college! "She said" mother "before. I answered in my defense. - And? She could be trying to speak "hand" or "papaya". - She was trying to say "mama"! - Prove it. "Maah-Mahhh." - Okay, enough! I said, unable to contain my laughter, taking her from her lap and opening the door to the garden. Lauren raised her hands like a victorious boxer. - My daughter said "mama"! I knew this would be the first word Sophie would say, first because Lauren spent at least half an hour every day trying to get her to speak, second because between "mama" and "mama", well, mama was easier to pronounce. But even so, hearing her say something for the first time was truly wonderful. From that day on, Sophie looked like a machine gun, firing "Mama" s everywhere. Lauren was amused by horrors, and now she tried to make her better at the word "mama," saying it with all the right letters. Instead, two days later, she called for me, which, I have to confess, almost made me cry with emotion. In the meantime, we had Enzo's 1-year anniversary. There was no need for Taylor to threaten us with death if we did not attend the party: Lauren and Mike were able to take a few days off at the company so we could all get a little bit in France. By that time I already had a passport - things from Lauren and her chopsticks scrambled, which I chose not to ask and only to thank. The trip was calm. As the distance between the countries of Europe was really small, we soon landed in Paris, which was great for not giving Sophie time to get bored with the inside of the plane and start shouting unrecognizable words, taking away the patience of the other passengers . Paris was really stunning. We stayed there for three days, even though Enzo's birthday had only been in the first. We walk a little and know sights, enjoying the pleasant weather of the summer. Sophie seemed to particularly like the colorful gardens, and I was sure that if Lauren was not holding her all the time, she would have joked and rubbed herself on the grass and dirt at the first opportunity. Lauren earned an out of season gift from Oliver: A black basic shirt with the sayings "Ne plaisante pas avec ma fille". The joke had been great for everyone there who knew how to speak French, which made me look like an idiot until Chris and his gentle side decided to translate the sentence for me: "Do not mess with my daughter." And then I had the opportunity to see one of the loveliest scenes I'd ever seen in my life: Lauren with a gangster look on her sunglasses, wearing that "threatening" shirt with Sophie in her lap in her splendid leather jacket, giggling joy because of the butterflies that walked there. I vomited rainbows the whole trip, and before I could recover, our "holidays" had come to an end. *** Back to England, because nothing was so good that it could not improve, Sophie decided she wanted to start taking the first steps. Her legs were beginning to firm: She was walking when someone held her by the hands, but she had never walked alone until one day, convinced that she was able to move her legs like a professional athlete, she decided to run to Lauren so that she entered the room.She was on the bed and obviously fell on the mattress. But he did not care. He even found the fall very funny. I made mention of helping her up, but she managed to do it herself, leaning on my legs, and when she was up again, she walked away again. And again it fell. And the fall was repeated many times, and every time Sophie found it very funny to fall. - Oh, come on. You can! Lauren encouraged her, waiting on the other side of the mattress. She tried again. And again. Lauren's open arms were a stimulus, and maybe that's why Sophie did not give up. It took a while but not much: When she finally stood and took more steps than she had already achieved, focusing on the task of walking straight - or almost - Lauren and I wolfed out loud as mother owls that we were , and that must have excited her. But we made the party even as she reached for her mother's arms and threw herself anyway, as if they were her reward for such hard work. - My beautiful athlete! She released them all happily, hugging and kissing her so hard it was hard to believe she was breathing properly. As time went on, our daughter grew and became more and more beautiful and smiling. She was sociable, happy and more and more identical to Lauren. Life, definitely, could not get any better. *** When Sophie completed 1 year of life, we gave her the kind of party parents give their children on their first birthday, but with a few more things. Briefly, Lauren closed an amusement park for the commemoration. I even talked to her about not needing all that, even because Sophie would have fun madly until we celebrated her birthday on a playground. But of course I was not even heard. As my own birthday was two days after hers, the party, according to Lauren, was for me as well. It was a joke, but I was a bit of an idiot because I was so fond of having a party full of colorful clowns and a Ferris wheel. It was the best "my" birthday celebration in a long time, even knowing only my family there. There were so many people and so many children that I did not even know where they came from - maybe Lauren's work friends and Clara's acquaintances. Sophie was so amused that we had to sing a congratulations to the whispers, because the poor child, completely exhausted, slept deep in my lap before the party had come to an end. It was funny. Having reached this stage in our daughter's life, Lauren and I thought it would be a good time to leave her in the company of our grandparents while taking advantage of our postponed honeymoon (and we celebrated, by the way, my birthday - now really). It was hard to say goodbye to her, but we knew that Clara and Mike would take care of our daughter with all the attention and love she needed. Besides, she just loved her grandparents. We went to Greece on a three-week trip. It was absolutely wonderful. Lauren was willing to make me enjoy every second that we spent together, after all that was our moment, and as much as we were in love with Sophie, we had to admit that "our times" became rare after her arrival. We went to Athens, Salonica and Patras. We visit museums, temples, beaches and monuments. We took as many pictures as a couple of boyfriends would, and bought souvenirs for everyone. We called Clara daily, just to make sure everything was okay. Always was. Always would be. - What is it? She asked, lightly touching the tip of my nose. I was alone on the porch, curled up in a blanket and looking down into the sea as I left my thoughts away. - Miss her. Lauren laughed softly against my shoulder, hugging me from behind. "We'll be back in three days." You'll soon be able to kill them. I remained silent for some time. "Hey ..." she said in a funny voice, "I thought you were going to enjoy the ride!" I turned in his arms and faced her. I remembered that I had left her alone in the room waiting for me, and I felt like an idiot for making it seem like I was not taking advantage of that opportunity the way it should. "I'm enjoying it very much." I said without blinking, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling her to me so I could kiss her. "You have no idea. - Know. "You just have to distract me so I can stop remembering that I'm nostalgic. She laughed again, pulling me closer."But that's not what I'm doing, with all the rides and all the script and-" I kissed her again, as passionately as I could. She returned, and for some time we remained in our bubble without either of them noticing it. - It distracts me now. "I concluded with an educated kitten on the corner of his lips, looking at her as if to explain something she did not understand - All night, if possible. Her eyes flashed dimly, and then I realized she had understood. - All night? But tomorrow we had to wake up early to go ... I opened the blanket that enveloped me purposefully, dropping it by the shoulders and showing me how it was: Full naked, wearing only the cord with the heart of yellow citrus that she had once given me, and that since then, I have never ceased to use. Forget the script. "I said," I do not mind going anywhere so long as you're with me. " She sighed. His green eyes swept me up and down, pausing at the clear bruise that had come up on my hips, the result of all the nights spent with Lauren during those two and a half weeks. "They only give you violent people?" She asked with a look of mystery, and I had the impression that I had heard that question sometime in the past. - Give me one woman. I answered immediately, unable to stop smiling. And before Lauren caught me in the lap and carried me to bed again, I finished - Simply the best they could give me. ***
