Pov Lauren - Lady? - Yes? - It's all right? "It's all good, Allyson. It could not be better. I noticed from my peripheral vision that she was looking at me with doubt, but I made no mention of turning around and facing her to try to show that I was telling the truth. First, because my head ached too much for me to try to do anything but talk and breathe. Second, because I just did not care anymore whether or not Ally believed me. Third, because I was not telling the truth. "You look tired." I would have asked her to call me by name, too. The more time passed, the more I was irritated by Ally's insistence on being formal to me. But even that demanded of me a willpower that I did not have. - I'm tired. Tired and with a headache. Anybody else want to talk to me today? "No, ma'am. - Great. Then you can lock the door and leave. Ally remained silent for some time. I did not open my eyes to see why. - It's all right. Here are the notes for today's meetings. You're doing well in your decisions. - Thanks. "And here are the three contracts. I felt the papers being thrown in front of me on my desk. Still, I stood still, making slow, circular movements with my fingers at the temples to try to relieve the pressure I felt on my head. - Lauren. I opened my eyes, staring at her. - Talk to me! I'm fine here! I continued to stare at her, silently examining my options. I wanted to talk to her. In the end, she was my best friend. My only friend. I wanted to tell her everything that was happening to me, all my doubts and my panic. She wanted to ask for advice, because she always had something smart to say, and if necessary, to listen quietly to a scolding that only Ally could give. I wanted to open up with her. I wanted to share the weight I had on my back with someone else. I wanted a light at the end of the tunnel. Anything. "I'll remember that, Ally. She kept staring at me with concern, and I tried to hold her gaze, though my headache was practically blinding me. When he finally took his hands off the table, he sighed, and, turning around, left the room. I closed my eyes again and bent my head in my arms, now crossed on the table over the papers of the meetings I had attended today. I could say that attending meetings would be an impossible task given my current conditions, but it was truly amazing how I managed. For the past few days, I've trained my brain to accept business issues and issues, so I could concentrate on that when I was busy doing it, almost all the time. Almost. Because there were moments, even when I was struggling to pay attention, that the dispersion was coming and I would catch myself thinking of random things. In fact, I even wished they were random thoughts in general, not random thoughts related to a person. To her. Always her. She was turning my life into a real hell. I was putting absurd doubts and impertinent thoughts in my head. I was conquering a territory of importance around my life that I had no right to conquer. Because of her, my nights were barely asleep.And when I could sleep, my dreams kept bringing me back to torment me. Because of her, Ally would always come and ask me what was wrong with me. Something very wrong. I'd known her less than a month, and I could not stop thinking about her. Any detail, any uselessness that might have come my way throughout the day, reminded me of her. I found myself analyzing practically all the women I saw and automatically tracing a comparison between them and her. She. Because she was messing around with my head, and that was not normal. She should not have that degree of importance in my life. I should not be in such a privileged position on my personal list of priorities. I should not think so much about her, and the more I realized that, the less I could get her out of my thoughts. The more I knew I should forget her, the harder it was not to remember her. More difficult was not wanting her around. I wanted her around. Every day. All the time. Any time. And that was killing me too. First, because I should not want her. Second, because I could not have her around when I wanted to. She was not mine. She was nobody's. She was a program girl, and that was all that really mattered. And that was what hurt. It hurt because she was special. She was important. I made it important without even realizing it, and now I paid for the price. The price of being naive, of being dependent. The price of being too cowardly to take it all. To assume what I refused to believe, but I already knew. Which I would deny until I was near death. Until I can not take it anymore. - Excuse me! I raised my head slowly, trying to deal with the present pain that made my forehead weigh a few tons. - Sorry lady! I thought there was no one else in the building. A middle-aged woman carrying a vacuum cleaner a little longer than she was trying to unwind her feet from the wires of the device and leave the room, leaving me alone again. - What time is it? "It's after 11 o'clock, ma'am. I'm sorry, I did not know ... - It's okay. - I started, a little dizzy. "I should have gone a long time ago." The woman did not seem to be reassured, still staring guiltily at me. "I'll let you work." Just for God's sake do not mind this thing while I'm here. With that, I gingerly gathered the papers lying on my desk and put them in one of the drawers, locking it next. I got up, testing my balance slowly, so I hurried to leave the room clear to the woman and her noisy vacuum cleaner. I was irresponsible enough to drive home as I was, and I thanked my guardian angel for protecting me along the way. When I arrived, I took a hot and long shower, drawing the plan I had been planning for some time. The plan was simple, but it would require of me a strength that I did not have. Still, I would take my decisions to the limit. The limit of myself. I'd keep away from her. I would not see her for a while, until my head was back to normal. Until I felt safe to be with her again, until I resembled myself again. Until I met and understood again, I would keep away from her. Because whenever she was too close, I tended to forget important things about my own personality, about right and wrong. Then I would not see her today. I would not see her this week. I knew this might do me a greater harm than all the fuss I fled, but I had to try to go back to being what I was. Because near her I was someone else. I'd walk away. A distance that could be considered safe.I would be safe. I'd be fine. But first, I needed to convince myself. *** My last nights could not be rated as good. I managed to sleep something like two, at most three hours a night. Even if tiredness was ever present, my head just could not relax, and then I spent the rest of the hours thinking. Thinking of everything you should not think. So it was not surprising that today, Monday, most of the staff would look at me like I was a walking zombie as I passed through the stalls until I reached my office. I went in and found Ally with a face that should be worn when one of her children did something bad. Ignoring his shooting look, I went and sat down at the table, arranging some papers. "How many meetings do I have today?" - None. I looked at her quizzically. - Like none? "You're not going to work in that state." I was too tired to argue, especially at this time of the morning. So I tried to keep vineyard quiet and cordial. "You do not command me." - Yeah. I do not command. Maybe that's what you need, someone who commands you. - Right. Are you finished? Can you give me meeting times now? "I will not give you any time." I've already canceled all meetings. I figured you'd be like this today when I saw you on Friday. "And by whom did you cancel the meetings?" "No one's order, ma'am." And if I did wrong, fire me. I stared at her in anger, something I thought I could not feel under the conditions I was in. She was being extremely arrogant to a secretary, but the problem was that Ally knew she could do that, because after all, I would not fire her. Besides, my growing anger overpowered me because she had taken away from me the only thing that kept me occupied and therefore free from undesirable thoughts. "And can you tell me what you expect me to do for the whole day without having something to occupy me?" "Go home and go to sleep." You look awful. Great. It was all I needed. I could explain to her that my horrible appearance was due to the fact that I could not sleep, and that if I could, she need not have cleared the blessed meetings. - Why do people love to get involved in our lives? "Do not be stupid. We just get caught up in the lives we like. - I did not ask for any advice! Why will not you leave me alone? "Because if I leave you in peace, Lauren, you'll lose yourself." I hated it when she was right, and it happened quite often. - Please ... Please go home. "And what am I to do at home?" I repeated, trying to keep my voice low. "If you can not sleep, try to find some peace of mind in something." Peace of mind. That was exactly what I needed, but I could not get it. And worst of all, I had an idea of what might bring me some peace, but by some irony of fate, it was exactly the thing I ran away from. - All right, I'll go. But you're forbidden to do it again, understand? I want my meetings back tomorrow, and I'm not joking. I used a more serious tone of voice to make her understand that I really needed to get back to normal the next day. Ally nodded with a sigh. I got upset and prepared to leave."Promise me he'll take care of you?" I stared at her for some time, deciding if I could really promise her that. - I will try. I did not have time for her to speak again, and I immediately left the room. It was nearly twenty now, and I was puzzled how unproductive and degrading that day had been. Ally would pay me for that. I tried to occupy my time with as many things as I could remember, but nothing worked. I searched my culinary archives for the most difficult recipe I could find and prepared myself for the challenge. I remembered that it used to be a great distraction, but I should have imagined that it '' had not really fit into mine '' lately. '' I carefully chose a book from my not-so-large library, paying attention not to pick up anything related to drama or romance or anything that reminds me of things I wanted to put aside, but I forgot that no reading could to arrest me when I was not at peace with myself. I risked funny cartoons on television, tried to architect changes in the arrangement of furniture in my room, I started to pack some cabinets, but nothing was enough. I was still thinking about her. I still missed him, and for some stupid reason, the more I tried to forget her, but I remembered her. That being said, since I had been trying to wrest the strength from my head for almost a week now, it was obvious that I was now in such a deplorable state of self-flagellation that I could not even think straight. Using that excuse for myself - which did not lessen my guilt - I dressed up anyway and took the most desperate and stupid attitude I could take. I would go to Camila again. I insisted to myself that what I was going to do was no big deal. I would not pay for her program. All I wanted was to see her, to say hello. It was ridiculous, but I was sure that the minute I saw her and simply exchanged half a dozen words with her, I would feel much better. It was just what I wanted. There was very little to crucify me. But even so, I crucified myself. I was weak, and I never doubted it, but it was disgusting to know that my weakness would not allow me to go with such a thoughtless plan. Anyway, this was the time to choose between my pride and the pain that went through and ripped my chest from side to side, the pain that would diminish if I saw it. I could not deal with that pain anymore.As I walked through the front door of The Hills, I felt my nerves to the skin. It was not normal that nervousness, but I did not want to think about it, so I just kept walking a little rushed to the darkest place in the room. I sat down at the empty table more in the corner as I looked around to see if anybody had noticed me. - Wow, we were worried about you! I turned in surprise and saw Hanna sitting next to me. When did she get there? - Oh, hi. "Hello. So, where have you been?" - Busy. My attention now turned to the environment, more precisely to the search for a certain girl who worked there. "We're surprised you stayed so long without coming to see Mila." I looked at her without understanding what she meant by that. - What? "Well, she seems to be your favorite, right?" We were all surprised that you stayed so far away from her. I mean, it was only she who did not seem to care. I stared at her, not knowing what to say. The truth was that even I was surprised I could stay so far away from her, so I could not judge them for feeling the same thing. But now, he was going through a small dilemma. On the one hand, I was relieved that if Camila had not given importance to my sudden disappearance, it might have meant that she had not been upset with me. On the other hand, why had she not given importance? Had not she said she wanted me around? Did not she make a point of my presence? Did not she miss me as much as I did hers? "Well, you still seem to be deciding who to choose today, so I'll leave you alone." Oh, I'm free. Saying this, she blinked at me and rolled out of the ordinary way I remembered to be hers. I turned my attention to the environment again. I felt safe being in a particularly dark and hidden place, but it was only a matter of time before Hanna told the other girls that I had finally appeared, and my hiding place would be discovered. So I allowed myself to make the most of my time with myself. Should I look for her? Was she there? Perhaps she was already accompanied upstairs, and the thought made a pain strike me. I wanted to see her. He wanted her to be alone and well. I wish no son of a bitch had hurt her, and again I felt an agonizing pain when I realized that if she was hurt, I would be to blame. I began to look around more urgently as I tried to peer through the large group of people in the room. Someone offered me a Whiskey, but as I noticed that the voice was not of the person I was looking for, I denied the offer without paying close attention. Two girls tried to seduce me into paying for the program, but I've never been as close to a fuck as I was at the time - which was odd, since I was a reasonable time without sex - so I denied it. The problem was that all my attention - all of it - was directed to the mission of finding Camila and talking to her. What I would have said, I still did not know, but something would come to me at the time, even if it was an apology. Not even a confession of the distressing longing I felt for her. So I saw her. In a far corner of the room, she did not seem to belong to that place, just like the day we met. Maybe it was my impression, but something in her appearance told me she was tired or sad. Anyway, I could not help but admire her obvious beauty, and I wondered again how I had not realized it the moment we were introduced. Maybe I was just really excited to see her, but even in casual clothes, completely different from all other women, she was prettier than I remembered. I ignored the rush of anger that ran through my body as I imagined the motif of the long clothes, which showed few parts of her body, and I continued to stare at her as if I had just found a diamond.Now she was there, so close, even without knowing my presence, a sudden relief took me completely, and I realized that this moment had been, until now, the best moment of my week. But would it be enough to admire her from afar? My body began to answer that question, getting up without my noticing, but stopped immediately when he saw a man approaching her and speaking, with a smile on his face, something in his ear. It is true. She was a program girl. Her presence really made me forget certain details. I sat again, with more hatred than I thought it was possible to feel for a stranger, but all this irrational anger was blocked by a morbid interest in Camila's reaction. She had not reacted as I thought. I knew her well enough to expect to see her in a false smile and an annoyed acceptance, but instead I saw a girl now so afraid she could barely move. Why was she like that? Why did he look around so desperately, as if he wanted to protect himself? And why that man was holding her by the arm, preventing her from leaving. What the fuck was that? I got up again, faster now, but I stayed in place. Something inside me, madness or instinct, screamed and made me recover a forgotten memory. A memory that I made a point of forgetting. A memory that frightened me, but at the same time awakened in me a murderous instinct. A desire for vengeance forgotten. "You decided to come up with why?" It was Samantha. And from the little that I could pay attention to, I saw that he was angry. And as it seemed, it was me. Maybe I could understand the reason, but first I had to make sure of one thing. "Samantha, who is that man?" I could see from my peripheral vision that she still held an offensive posture for me, but taken in by curiosity, she turned to the direction I was pointing. I turned to face her and saw in her the reaction I feared. I had never seen Samantha panic, but I could tell that was exactly the expression I would find in her. And I knew the reason for that. She knew that man. That son of a bitch. And I knew who he was. Even without ever seeing him, I knew only to see Camila's despair. She would not react like this to any client. "Hardin ... I could hear Samantha's weak voice as she moved forward in the direction we were both looking at, but she would not be faster than me. Many figures passed by me quickly, but I paid no attention to any of them as I walked to the couple I was watching. I paid no attention to anyone, and if it were not for the bumps I gave in one body or another, I could say that at the moment there were only three people there: Camila, me and him. Two of them would leave alive. The time needed to cross the room was quick, and for a fraction of a second, two feet away between us, I could see her eyes meet mine. But I was not thinking anymore. With all the hatred and thanks to my Muay Thai classes, I pushed him away from her neck where he seemed to be amused, and a second later we were both on the floor, me over him, punching him every inch of the face. - YOUR BITCH SON! Everything seemed to go by in slow motion, so I could enjoy every punch that that bastard carried. He tried to react, and maybe he was stronger than I was, but at that moment even Mike Tyson's muscles could not stop my bubbly, explosive hatred. I hated him. I wanted to kill him slowly, and it was not force of expression. Never in my life had I longed to see someone killed, beaten, torn, so I did not stop for a second to punch him with all my will. The blows were given so hard that at one point my hands started to ache, but the pain was ignored.I noticed that now, the face beneath me was bathing in blood, but I ignored it too. All that mattered was the death of that scumbag. Death by my hands. For the first time since I heard Samantha say the subject's name, I noticed that there were more people in the place. Many more, because I felt many arms pulling me back, trying to pull me away from the man now unconscious on the floor as I tried to let go of the human cage around me and continue my delicious revenge. - For! Stop it, lass! - LEAVE ME! "You're going to kill him!" - IT'S WHAT I WANT! LEAVE ME! I was now struggling in more arms that came up, preventing me from continuing to hurt him with my hands. So I decided to kick him, too hard, but the men around me were quick and pulled me completely away from him. - FUCK ME, FUCK! - Not! I was exhausted, bitchy and unhappy. The hatred that existed inside me, instead of fading just became bigger and more explosive. - Lauren, easy! Please! I looked, still dazed around, and I saw her standing there, a little breathless and blushing, not knowing where to go. Camila's presence had that supernatural power over me even when she herself did not know what to do. That power that simply came out of nowhere and without my leaving, made me extremely vulnerable. I was definitely exhausted. Exhausted from all that, from all the confusion of things that exploded inside me, as I tried to order in my own life. She was tired of pretending she was not lost, that she was not desperate, and that she was not completely in love with a program girl. I was tired, angry, afraid of everything I would see next, and exploded without even knowing what I was talking about. The hatred within me made me simply spit out all the rancor and cowardice, all the pride and all the fucking guilt that haunted me all that time I knew her. In that I knew the person who turned my life inside out. - LEAVE ME IN PEACE! YOU ARE JUST A BITCH, AND I DO NOT ALLOW IT TO BE MORE THAN THAT! I DO NOT ALLOW YOU TO HAVE ANY SHIT OF POWER ABOUT ME! My cries were followed by silence. A morbid silence. All I could hear was the ambient music that was still playing below and my breathing gasping for the screams and the fight. All I could see was her, in front of me, looking into my eyes, while everything I said still echoed on the walls and came, word for word, into her head. That would hurt her, and I knew it. I also knew that if I gave myself time, I would repent mortally of every word said, and simply beg for its excuses. But it was done, everything had already been said. Then, without thinking of anything else, I broke the connection between our gazes for the last time, heading for the exit and not looking at her again. I left. It had finished everything that had to be finished. I would never see her again. It would disappear, I would go to an asylum if necessary. But I would keep away from her. I needed to keep away from her. For my own good. ***
