Old Sepia Pages

3. new me?

10th july, wednesday, 2019

dear diary,

Agreed, over the summer I became someone who was unsure of herself, but I have figured out some goals for myself in terms of reputation. I don't know if I mentioned this before (I don't know how I manage to completely forget whatever I write in this diary), but I want to be someone whom people look at and say, "Man, I wanna be like her."

And I have the perfect opportunity: college. New people, who will see me how I want them to see me. Who will see me how I project myself because that is the only side of me they'll ever know. They don't know who I was in school. They don't know I failed. They don't know how easily I quit a calculus problem when I could not solve it. They don't know that I work a lot on my music and am still not good enough because I'm not regular with my practice anymore.

Till now, I did something only because it interested me. So, I picked up reading, writing, singing, keyboard, painting, along the way. But now I think it's time to either take these seriously or give them up, because I've seen the kind of performances that occur in Delhi University competitions, and I know I am not up to the mark. I cannot go on the way I am and hope to get anywhere.

I need to show them that I can perform, that if I put my mind to something I have the determination and the talent to do it.

So when they are going to ask if anyone would like to audition for the music society, my hand will be the first to go up. I am NOT going to be scared of performing live, something I have always shied away from because I was afraid of messing up, because there won't be any scope for that this time. I'm going to prepare my auditions in advance.

In the academy where I learn guitar, I have talked to the vocal coach. He's going to help me.

I could have done all this in school too, but I guess I wasn't in that state of mind. Till tenth, life was bliss, and I honestly didn't feel the need to change anything. After that, I didn't have the opportunity to. And on the rare occasion that I did, I was too underconfident and afraid to take it, as I said earlier. Plus, I had been attending that school ever since I was 5. I had a certain history with the people. It's easier to write a new story than to rewrite one. 

But now I will consciously define myself. I am going to measure my words before I talk, so that I can project the image that I want to. I am going to think about the effect my words will have on people. Everything that I do will be a part of The Act.

I know who I want to be. I want to be friendly and loved. I want to have a perfect balance between my hobbies and academics. I want to be wise. I want to be cool. I want people to wish they were me. And so, everything that I do needs to be great. I cannot afford to be a loser again. 

I'm gonna talk to people with as much optimism as I used to, try to be grateful and get my life back on track. I'm gonna stop pretending that I don't need anyone in my life, because it's obvious that when I go through the Instagram stories of my ex-schoolmates and see them giving each other birthday surprises and throwing a farewell party for the one who is going away to college and just being happy in each other's presence, I feel a longing to have a group of friends. 

I'm gonna give up on this I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude, coz I don't need it anymore, and give life another chance.

I'm gonna be a new me. Or should I say, the old me?

❄