Old Sepia Pages

15. new college

5th september, thursday, 2019

dear diary,

2 weeks have passed since I started this new college. I probably should give it more time before I jump to conclusions, but I'm not having fun already. Firstly, it's 1.5 hours away from my home. Secondly, the kids here are boring, and I mean it this time. They are just like the zombie-kids in my school. Man, what a nightmare. I have a good campus here, though.

I joined the theatre society here too. But I eventually had to quit because they wanted me to go there even on Sundays. On weekdays, we had to practice from 2:30-5:30 every day and I got home so late that it got difficult to manage my studies. Besides, I'm finally getting to take music classes. I'm so happy about that, I swear.

I miss KNC. My last day there was wonderful⁠— we performed our play. The entire college came to watch it. It was on child sexual abuse. I wrote a short poem, which I thought would make a good monologue and could be narrated the way spoken word poems usually are. It's hard to believe the appreciation I got from my teammates for that. It's the first time I ever wrote in Hindi, and I think now I'll write more. About my stage fright, it wasn't there at all. That wasn't surprising, though, speaking publicly has never been a problem. Singing has. It feels too vulnerable. I don't sing for anyone but myself. I feel this...loyalty towards music, this feeling that if I'm going to go up there and sing, it must be perfect, it must be my best effort, otherwise not. And since I can distinguish between good and bad singing, since I can spot my mistakes most of the time, I just can't go up there and sing if I know I'll screw up. I don't know. Anyway, my dialogue delivery and poem got appreciation, and I'm satisfied with how things went.

After that we all went to Domino's for pizzas. Muskaan didn't come with us. She said she doesn't eat junk, and that I can understand, honestly, but she could have at least said bye to me, or apologized or something to the rest of us for not coming to my farewell/the celebration of our first play. I don't know, people lack soft-skills these days. Even Meera apologized for not being able to make it.

After stuffing ourselves, we played a game where we listed the things we loved about each other. I made a 4-minute video of that, which I'll cherish forever. They said I'm fun. And unique. And that they had never met anyone like me. In the evening, I had my first-ever open mic competition. Won't say anything about it, haha. I didn't speak well.

3 days after that, though, I went to KNC yet again for the freshers' party. It was a disappointment. They had it in the auditorium, and gave titles to girls, and then we had a DJ where the music went out after every 5 minutes because of connection problems. And even that shit  was more enjoyable than the party of this new college IPCW. 

College is not fun at all, man. I came here with so many dreams. Why does everything look pretty from the outside but dull when you have it? High school lost its charm when I started it. Then I thought college would be great, and now I'm realizing that it's not that amazing.

Isn't it weird that I became so comfortable so soon in one college, but didn't in the other? The thing is, this time, these two periods were really close. Me finding myself again, realizing that who I am was always within me and will emerge if I let her, and me losing her again, getting trapped with lame people again. So this time, I should be able to figure out what went wrong here because I remember how I felt there.

Maybe I kinda picked up the energy those people had? Perhaps I'm good at picking up vibes from people. When they're down, I feel down, too. So maybe my classmates' lifelessness is making me dull.

On the other hand, darkness around me means I have the opportunity to shine. I feel I should be the one cheering them up. It's what I've always done, right? And if I have no competition, how can I stop anyone from noticing me?  I guess I should try cheering myself up in the mornings and spreading it to these people. They need it anyway.

I went to their stupid freshers' party today. I can't understand why, when I haven't even befriended anyone yet. Maybe I had a fear of missing out. I was worried that without me, in my absence, they would form a bond or something which I won't be able to cover up. Maybe I should accept that these parties are not my kinda thing. Neither do I know the lyrics to the stupid songs that people listen to these days, nor can I dance. The music is always so loud that I can't hear my own heart beating. I like sitting and talking in blankets. That's all. Or daytime parties. I don't like it when the lighting is so dim that I can't even see the faces of people I'm with and the music so loud that I can't hear them speak.

I know the names of only 2 people in my class, and while I was sitting in a corner, eating, they had to come and take me to the dance floor, which was humiliating. I am usually the one doing that. I have been given the tag of "life of the party".

What if I'm not that at all? Perhaps I can only be happy when I'm with people I love. Otherwise these things have no meaning for me. Or maybe I should wait for parties till I have some friends. Or a boyfriend. Or something. I don't know. Do I think about boys too much? I don't know. Am I waiting to live my life till I find a boyfriend or something? Am I harboring too many expectations from romance? I don't know. Ugh.

❄