Old Sepia Pages

19. failure

26th september, thursday, 2019

dear diary,

I've been pondering over the question— who is a better teacher, success or failure? Although many would pick failure, I'd probably pick success.

Personally, failure for me is crippling. I feel hopeless. I wonder if what I'm doing is right. Sometimes I give it up for a while. Thomas Edison said— I haven't failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. That's very poetic and all, but I don't want to know what won't work. I want to know what will, so that I can do more of that. I want a sense of direction so that I can keep walking.

But maybe it's just about perspective. Failure does have its advantages.

I failed to win the Watty awards, something I worked hard for, something I dreamed of entering once my book was complete, something I longed to be a part of. But it's okay. You know, I've been going around saying how easy it is to write a novel. For me, it actually was, because of my enthusiasm. And maybe that is why it didn't feel like anything special. 

But this failure, this struggle, this rejection, it is giving me an idea of what it really is that I'm going after, and what I've achieved so far. That it's no joke. It is making me realize the true value of my dreams. And honestly, had I got it too easily, I probably would not have felt too happy about it. There's a thrill in achieving something that's out of reach, something that not everyone gets. Think about it: if you don't think something is a big deal, you don't get that sense of accomplishment. You can't just appreciate something good that you have. You have to admire it from far away first and learn its value. You have to think, "I want this," and then get it. It's probably the same with love. If you've loved a person from far away for a very long time, you won't take them for granted when they finally begin to love you back.

The happiness I'm gonna get once I succeed after many rejections is going to be nothing less than euphoric.

Or so I hope. 

I don't know. In my experience, the happiness I get from dreaming about something has always been less than my happiness on actually achieving it. Why do I find it so hard to be happy sometimes? Why are my flaws more prominent to me than my fortes? Is it normal?

Is it because I feel I deserve more and that this is nothing for me? I don't feel like celebrating the fact that I was featured in the Times of India, even though it's big. Is it because right now I'm nowhere near where I wanna be? And if I'm not happy now, who's to guarantee I'll be happy when I get there? What if I lack the ability to feel happy at all?

❄