Bangtan Writers Reviews

etiquette by @lolacucaaa

etiquette by lolacucaaa
Review by asakayu 

IMPRESSION BEFORE READING

The cover is minimalistic and draws a lot of the attention to the crown. The font you chose fits perfectly and I see absolutely no issues in the cover. It works quite well with your story, and I was skeptical at first because of how simple it was, but it does its job in drawing the reader in and making them intrigued. At first glance, it doesn't look like it's supposed to be a fanfiction story but that gives it its own charm.

Nit-picky, but add a space after you use ellipses (...)

So it would be: "... compared in personality, strength, and... etiquette."

The initial view I got from "Section One," which I assumed was the prologue, was a lot of repetition, which I will go into more during Focuses. You repeated the rules of the Marital Games a lot and what it's about instead of just mentioning it once. Another thing I noticed was how you set up the exposition for the games really well, but the first chapter didn't say much about the character and her background and development.

The main character had stated that some people purposely got themselves disqualified to get out of the Marital Games, so why didn't she do the same? If your character had an argument with her family over it or there were some factors (such as money) that motivated her to participate, then it would give her more incentive to go despite being unladylike. 

AFTER READING

Your writing is good, readable, and processable. Meaning, I can read it without being overwhelmed by the text but also be able to appreciate the depth of your writing. I noticed that you start many of your sentences in the same way. Try using more of a sentence variety to give your writing more rhythm and flow; it makes your writing more sophisticated and elevates it to a more professional level.

Much of your dialogue starts with "she nodded," "you smiled," and simple actions like that. Vary the sentence structure, add dialogue tags, and actions to spice it up a bit. Making your characters "jump off the page" is clear in your dialogue. You want to show their personality through their speech and actions.

So, instead of:

You grinned, "I'm convinced they think of it as a sporting event."

First, of all, since "grinning" is not a dialogue tag, you add a period and then continue with dialogue. You could say "you muttered, 'I'm convinced...'" but it would really be:

You grinned. "I'm convinced they think of it as a sporting event," you replied with a roll of your eyes.

There, the added action at the end adds more depth to the character, clearly showing her distaste for the royal family's games and how she could care less about participating. Your characters aren't quite fleshed out enough, and by adding more personality into their speech, you can three-dimensionalize them.

FOCUSES

First Impressions

I have to say, your cover is really nice and the font of the title works perfectly. I'm not really a big fan of keeping the title in lower-case because it gives the illusion that the rest of your book is written strictly in lower-case and I, personally, would not want to read it.

Another thing that could be improved is the description. The quote grabs you and reels you in, but there is little to say about the rest of the book. What's the conflict? Is there any redeeming twist that makes me want to read this? All I'm given is that it's similar to The Selection Series, but that might be unclear for people who haven't read the books.

Also, while the palace workers were choosing the contestants, it seemed a bit too easy that Y/N was selected. For one, she passed in regards to family despite her cousin being disqualified from the games years ago. It seemed kind of loose and messy in my eyes.

Plot

At first, I was confused by the medical examination. Why didn't they check health prior to registration? If they were going to kick people out based on health conditions, why was it mandatory for everyone to participate and why wasn't it a disclaimer in the application?

I like the report you leave at the end of the chapter, where it shows which prince eliminated a number of girls. However, I would add more interaction with the princes. With some princes, Y/N forms a good bond, but with others, it seems dry but she still isn't eliminated. If you had one prince dislike her or get into a scandal, it would add more of a twist because she seems to be perfectly safe with all the princes liking her. Also, it would be interesting if you could write out the boys with other girls.

Clearly, Y/N is going to end up with one prince, not all seven of them. Some authors throw away side characters once the main ship is formed, but your book has a lot of potential. Develop all of your essential characters and give them a motive and a story. Add some twists. Heartbreak, betrayal, and maybe even two princes fighting over one girl?

Your plot is very interesting and has a lot of potential so make sure you add more twists to keep readers engaged, and don't feel too bad about pushing your main character around.

ADVICE

So, while I stated in Focuses that you should spice up your plot, I do think your plot is still pretty good. One thing you should also keep in mind, however, is your description. It's pretty dry and cut short, but make sure you give attention to even little details that could possibly become something big.

Fix your dialogue and make sure you don't use commas unless it's a dialogue tag (said, whispered, admitted, cried, remarked, etc.)

Make sure to have a sizeable amount of words in a paragraph to keep your flow consistent. There were a lot of paragraphs that were either too big or too small, make sure you partition them generously and try not to make the expanse of your chapter just dialogue. Add a description in between. Explain how the main character feels and what she's doing/what she wants to do.

ENDING NOTE

When I review, I pick apart the things I find wrong, I don't focus on the good things which is why my review is just focusing on what should be improved rather than praising. So please don't take any of this too hard and please use it to improve—your story is good, I just know you can make it better! Good luck with your story and future works—I'll be cheering for you!

We remind you to credit us, thebtswriters, and your reviewer, asakayu, in the description of your story for giving you a review. Thank you for requesting!