Bangtan Writers Reviews

The Loved One by @HobiAwae

The Loved One by HobiAwae
Review by HOBILETH

IMPRESSION BEFORE READING

The cover does offer insight into what your story is going to be about. It does look mundane, but the blood does draw into the darker side to the story and offers more to it. The description wasn't bad, but I would suggest eliminating some of the commas in order to intensify the words and hook the reader more.

I also liked the tie in with Greek mythology at the end in concerns about the Pierian Spring. Nice work!

AFTER READING

In the description, it was mentioned that she didn't know she was an abusive relationship, yet it feels like she knows that she is since the beginning of the story. I absolutely loved when you began to incorporate the letters. The number of vivid words you used piqued my interest in the book and made it very enjoyable. 

Something I noticed was you tend to use commas. A lot. While using commas isn't bad, too much of it dulls the overall structure of your story. You should use other forms of punctuation in order to elevate your writing. 

Throughout the course of the story, I did notice that the story was picking pace a bit too quickly which caused a bit of confusion. Some scenes felt a bit abrupt and the addition of some characters felt a bit unnecessary/served little purpose thus far in your book. This is not to say that your characters aren't important. It is just that the value of some characters isn't seen yet (for example Jungkook).

FOCUSES

You use A LOT of commas in your writing. Here's an example (from your description that I addressed in First Impression)

"The book, however, was not just words, he was not just a writer, and she was not just a reader. It was more than just that, more than just the lover.... and the loved one."

I feel like this would be stronger if you changed it to something like this:

"The book, however, was not just words. He was not just a writer. She was not just a reader. It was more than that, more than just the lover and the loved one."

Do you see how the changes made strengthened your writing without you having to change any of the words?

Another issue I noticed was the shift in tense. While reading, your writing shifted from one tense to another, going from past to present tense on multiple occasions. You should stick with one tense and try not to switch too much as it will take away the clearness of the story.

Your characters seem two dimensional to me. Apart from the slight attempt at explaining how the characters feel at a certain moment, there isn't really a unique aspect in most of the characters introduced. Your characters aren't strongly developed. They feel empty and if it weren't for the names placed on them, it would be very difficult to pinpoint one character from the other.

ADVICE

Take the time to get to know your characters. Something I like to do when it comes to my characters is listing out all the characters in my story on a separate document or draft. I rank them from most important to least important and then I begin to describe each of the characters. I list out their aspirations, strengths, weaknesses, potential romantic interests, what makes them who they are, how they are at the beginning, what causes their change, etc. Characters are not just things you make. Characters are humans too! You should bring them to life. Just like you have your amazing qualities, so do your characters. Just like you have flaws, so do your characters. Try to also highlight their importance as you keep going in your story.

Your story does tend to feel fast. There's nothing wrong with that, but I do encourage (as you're already shifting from the past to the present), to include more scenes from the past, especially in concern with the main character and her husband. Including memories from the past will help elevate your main character and her husband. As she is trying to find what 'love' is, switching from past to present especially when she begins to meet and hang out with someone who can show her what love is, readers will be able to see the main character's internal struggle, and ultimately see how she changes and finally realizes what love is.

I encourage you to also be more in tune with reality. What I mean by that is (and I'm talking from personal experience), people in abusive relationships don't even suspect that they're in an abusive relationship, even when someone tells them straight to their face. Victims in abusive relationships often live in an illusion, in a bubble of sorts. Something I noticed is that Haewon is very aware of the status of her relationship. While people knowing they're in an abusive relationship is likely, the way you portray her in the description is different than how she acts in the actual story. I think her not knowing at all that she's in an abusive relationship and slowly coming to realize (by the letters and/or by others) that she is would be more effective than already having her at the beginning know that she is in an abusive relationship.

ENDING NOTE

This was a very interesting read. Your description of words during your story astounds me and it was something I really enjoyed as I was reading. You've done a great job so far! I can't wait to see what you come up with next <3

I hope this review was helpful, and don't hesitate to ask me anything if you need it! Ask questions or PM me if you need help! Thank you for giving me the privilege to review your story!

We remind you to credit us, thebtswriters, and your reviewer, HOBILETH , in the description of your story for giving you a review. Thank you for requesting!