The girl who can't be moved (COMPLETED)

The girl who can't be moved (NINE)

I walked out of the garage where Anton, Zach, Ali, James, and I built our dreams of becoming rock stars. It felt like I've walked out of my history with them. That was it? Friendship over? I can't believe that Ian will be that one crack that can break us apart. It wasn't fair. Neon kicked me out because of her.

When I finally reached our house, I tripped and fell on the pavement. What a way to make my day even worse? I didn't bother getting up. I just sat on that pavement and threw my backpack out of frustration. I looked ahead and saw Ian's house. It was still the same yellow house I always stared at 15 years ago. I was 7 years old when Ian moved here- she was 5 years old then. She skipped a grade because she could already read, so we became classmates. I remember it was a few days before Christmas when they moved in the neighbourhood. I was riding my bike when this little girl wearing a huge shirt, jumper shorts, sneakers and a baseball cap worn backwards stepped out of the car. She stood in front of their house and looked at me. I stared at her from head to foot thinking 'Finally! I can play with someone who's not keen on Barbie dolls.' I was going to smile at her but she frowned and stuck her tongue out on me. Then, she stomped her way inside their yellow house. So much for wanting a normal playmate in a neighbourhood full of Barbie-possessed girls and computer game zombie boys. That's why I never made an effort to be friends with Ian. We're just neighbors who happens to go to the same school and class.

Ian and I were in sixth grade when we were forced to exist in eachother's world. We were assigned as partners for a whole year project in Science. We had no choice but to spend our free time and weekends together. We would hang out in her house or in mine for the project. Sometimes we end up doing nothing because we were bored to death so we just go out of the house and shoot some hoops. We'd go biking around the village, climb mango trees, play with water guns, swim in the village pool, eat fishballs until our tummy explodes. I finally got what I wanted when I was 7 years old. I finally found a playmate. I was right the first time I saw her.

Elementary days were over and summer came in. She went to Australia with her family. I on the other hand got busy with drum lessons. My dad enrolled me in a music school where I met James. We got along really well. We had the same taste in music. Then, James introduced me to his other friends- Ali and Zach. When they told me that they wanted to form a band, I was the eager beaver. And since we lacked another member, I introduced them to Anton. Zach thought of the name Neon. We would spend most of our time in Zach's garage practicing and playing until our eardrums exploded. I became so dedicated and busy with the band that I forgot about Ian. We would see each other in the village, in school, in church, in the mall and just about everywhere, but we never hung out again. I couldn't deny that I missed those days we've spent together in sixth grade. Hanging out with her was so much fun back then. It was so much fun until I fell inlove with music. We worked on some school project together, but the 'hanging out' never came back. She didn't ask me to and neither did I.

I guess we drifted apart even before we meet in the middle. Sometimes we would walk together inside the village on the way home or ride the same bus on the way to school. We talked about random stuff, but we never did a follow up on more random stuff. We talked just for the sake of talking.

I was 16 when my dad decided to have a house party for his 44th birthday. He invited almost everyone in the neighbourhood and some of his colleagues. He even let me invite my band and some friends. Ian's family was the first on the invite list. My dad is best friends with her dad. Ian came to the party wearing a dress. She looked different. Way too different.
She wasn't in her usual boy shirt, jeans and chucks. She actually wore a dress. She waved at me and I ignored her. I didn't like the idea of her wearing a dress. I didn't like the idea that she changed. I didn't like the possibility that she's going to turn into those cheery, pa-cute, maarte girls around the village. She was supposed to be Ian- Ian the tough cookie next door neighbour. She's supposed to be Super Ian not Miss Ian. James, Ali, Zach and Anton came and we played a few songs for the guests.

Ian stood at the back of the crowd and listened like a silent fan. When we finished playing, James went out for a while- he said he needed to talk to someone outside. The rest of us went out to the garden for some air. Almost an hour passed and James wasn't back. We went out to look for him and we found him sitting on the pavement in front of Ian's house talking to a girl in a yellow dress. James was talking to Ian. They were having a laugh.

I don't know why but I suddenly felt irritated by the idea of them knowing each other. James invited Ian to come and hang with us for band practice. Anton, Ali and Zach thought it would be okay. I didn't react. The next thing I knew, Ian was hanging out with us in every jamming we had. She became an unofficial member of the band. She grew close with the rest of the guys. They treated her like a little sister. When we entered college, we would pick up Ian from school before our jamming sessions. When she says she's hungry, a cheeseburger, large fries, large coke, sundae and an apple pie would magically appear in front of her. That's how much they love Ian.

The day I realized I was falling for her was during our, as the guys call it, '10 times a day' fight. We were standing on the pavement in front of their house. It was one of those typical days where I just feel so irritated with Ian for no reason at all. I was yelling at her and calling her an alien, all of a sudden, she cried. She cried like a kid who just got reprimanded, and to think she was already 16 that time. I still remember what she said in between her sobs and sniffs:

"Lagi mo na lang akong inaaway. Wala naman akong ginagawa sayo. Kung ayaw mo sakin, fine. Hindi na ko pupunta pagmagja-jamming kayo. Hindi na din ako makikisali sa inyo. Sayo na yung banda mo! Ang damot-damot mo!"

Ian said that like a crying toddler. That little scene made me smile and laugh. What she said next made me smile even more.

"Bakit ka tumatawa?! Wala namang nakakatawa! Crazy ka ba?!" She said while wiping her tears. She smudged her eye make up.

"O, bakit naka make up ka? Kailan ka pa natuto mag make up?" I asked her as I tried to wipe away the smudges on her face.

"Nilagyan lang ako nung classmate kong bading kanina. Baka daw kasi maging mabait ka na sakin pag gumanda ako ng konti." She said still in between sniffs.

"Hay naku. Hindi mo naman kailangan mag make up." I said.

"Bakit? Kasi hindi ka naman magiging mabait sakin kahit anong gawin ko?" she asked rhetorically.

"No. Kasi... maganda ka naman na eh." I smiled at her wiping away the tiny smudge left on her face. "Ayaw ata matanggal nito."

"It's a mole." Ian pushed my hand away from her cheek.

"Hindi yan nunal." I argued.

"Nunal nga yan. Mas marunong ka pa sakin."

"Wala ka namang ganyan dati eh. Ano yan? Overnight tinubuan ka ng nunal?"

"Bata pa ko, nandito na yang nunal ko. Hindi mo lang napapansin. Busy ka kasi masyado." She said.

"Totoo?"

"Oo nga...I'll take this as a sign. You're finally starting to see me." She smiled.

Then it hit me. I wasn't irritated at her for no reason at all. I was irritated with her because she doesn't seem to know that every little thing she does has a great effect on me. The yellow dress she wore on my dad's birthday, the night she first met James, all those times she was with us but her attention was divided between me and the rest of the Neon guys- all of it affected me in ways I couldn't explain nor understand. So, I came to the conclusion that I might be falling for Ian. The final straw that made me completely sure that I am indeed falling for her was when I apologized to her for being too hot headed. Instead of answering me with "okay lang yun", she hugged me. My heart stopped for a second and it started beating as if it was going to jump out of my chest any second. When she let go, waved goodbye and finally entered her house, it took me about a minute before I could breathe again. "I'm screwed." I muttered to myself. "I'm falling for Ian. Or did I just fall?"

Everyday, we went to the garage for a jam session and everytime I see James staring at Ian, I can't help but feel possessive of her. I didn't want anyone staring at her other than me. It became more obvious to me that I was jealous. I couldn't do anything about it. I still denied the feeling even if it was jumping out of my skin. I didn't treat her like the guys did. I couldn't do that in front of them.

So, whenever I got Ian all to my self, I felt like a prisoner who had just been let out of jail. I savored the 'freedom' of just being with her and not worrying whether I'm going to screw up by being too transparent in front of Neon. That was another problem. Ali, Anton, Zach and James can read my actions. That's why whenever we're in the garage with Ian, it's either I stay away from her or I pick a small fight with her. That way, I get to hide what I feel since that was how I have been treating her since she became a part of us. I am Super Robi. King of Denial.

----

*Going Back to the Moments I Spent with Her*

Irish and I went out the whole day. I promised her I'll teach her how to commute. We rode a bus to the mall. She did her shopping and I did the carrying. We had dinner before deciding to go home. We rode a bus again. We were already seated when I saw something that electrocuted my mind. I was dumbfounded.

"Awww...Babe, look at these." Irish pointed at the stick figures in front of us. "Super Ian and Robin Hood. That's so sweet. You have the same name... Sa tingin mo, nagkatuluyan kaya sila?" Irish turned to me as she waited for my answer.

I kept staring at the drawing. Ian and I drew those stick figures the day I told her I love her. We had band practice that day and Ian came in wearing a new shirt. James offered her a chair and I just felt like drumming away until my drum set exploded. I was being possessive again. I was mad at the idea that they're smiling at each other as if they're keeping a secret. I told her off about being a distraction in the band. She walked out stomping her feet. I knew I messed up again so I followed her. I bailed out on our jamming and spent the day with Ian. I asked her to spend the day with me because it was the last day I'd be spending with her. We rode that bus and sat on the seventh seat. We were in the middle of a gummy bears and Chuckie meryenda when she took out a marker and started drawing at the back of the seat in front of us. Ian drew a stick figure wearing a Robin Hood hat and drum sticks at hand.

"Who's that supposed to be?" I asked Ian.

"That's you. Robin Hood." She answered with a smile.

"Me? Why Robin Hood? I'd rather be Super Robi." I told her with conviction.

"Nah... I want you to be Robin Hood. Super Robi sounds arrogant. He sounds cold. Parang prim and proper lagi. I don't want you to be that. Si Robin Hood, he's warm. He does bad things for a reason- a good one that is. Pang-masa sya. You're like Robin Hood. You're mean to me, but I just know that you have a good reason for acting that way. You're a warm person, especially to your friends and to the people you love. People love you just because you're you."

What she said made my heart beat even faster.

"Fine. I accept being Robin Hood- but I'm not a thief."

"Yeah, you are." She chuckled. "You stole my heart."

I laughed and messed her hair.

"Don't worry. I'll keep it safe in my pocket." I joked her.

Little did I know that she wasn't joking when she said that I stole her heart. I took the marker from her hand and drew a girl stick figure with a cape on and drum sticks at hand as well.

"Ako ba yan?" Ian asked. "Wala ka namang originality. Magaling ka naman magdrawing bakit hindi na lang mas realistic na figure yung drawing mo?"

"Well... If I drew a much better drawing, hindi na sila bagay ni Robin Hood. Okay na yan. Super Ian and Robin Hood." I said pointing out the figures.

"Bakit Super Ian?" She asked, frowning.

"Kasi, para kang super hero. Lahat kinakaya mo. Akalain mo, kaya mo paamuhin ang 5 lalaki na ubod ng kulit at gulo. Kaya mong palakasin yung loob nung 5 lalaki na yun gamit yung 3 magic words 'ang sumuko pangit.' Kaya mo makipag sabayan sa 5 lalaki pagdating sa kainan, kakulitan at kalokohan." I told her.

"Hindi naman super hero qualities yun eh. Quality lang yung ng one of the boys na babae. Nothing special about it." She said in a very discouraged tone.

"Siguro sa iba nothing special. Pero samin, you're super special. You're our Super Ian." I put my arm around her and she snuggled closer to me.

I didn't have the courage to tell her I was leaving. Just like I didn't have the courage to tell the guys that I won't be there to make our dreams come true. I only told them I was leaving a few hours before my flight. I called James and asked him to take care of Ian. I asked him to be that guy which I can never be. I asked him to love Ian more than I do, but he said no. James said that he'll take care and watch over Ian but he won't be the guy for Ian. He told me that even if he wanted to be Ian's guy, he just can't. He couldn't because Ian wouldn't let him- because Ian chose me. He said that I'm the only guy that Ian wanted. So, that night, I went out of our house and started throwing pebbles at Ian's window- the way I always did when I couldn't sleep or I just wanted to have those fun meaningless conversations with her. My heart was racing, thumping, pounding, and drumming away like a Keith Moon drum solo. Under the huge full moon and sparkling stars I told her I love her.

"Robi!" Irish nudged me. "Are you listening?"

"What were you saying?" I asked, still lost in my memories with Ian.

"I was wondering if nagkatuluyan sila- Robin Hood and Super Ian." Irish waited for my answer.

"Siguro." I sighed. "If he was only brave enough to hold on." I said almost in a whisper.

Irish thought of my answer for a few seconds. Then, she opened her bag and took out a marker.

"I wanna write too. I also want us to have a drawing like this." She said enthusiastically.

She was about to draw when a sudden rush of worry went through me. I took the marker from her.

"Wag." I ordered Irish. "This is Robin Hood and Super Ian's spot. Sa kanila lang 'to. This will never be our spot. Malulungkot si Super Ian pag nakita nya na may ibang nakasulat dito." I couldn't tell Irish that it can never be our spot because it will always be Ian and mine.

"It's not like she'll be able to ride this bus again. There are hundreds of buses here." Irish said defiantly.

"There are hundreds, but this is the only bus that could make her smile. This is the only bus that could remind her of Robin Hood and paint a smile on her face."

"You're too sentimental. Fine. I won't write here na. I'll do it na lang when we go back to Spain." Irish said.

I almost forgot that we were going back soon. Next month to be exact. I don't think my life in Spain will ever be the same again. I'm screwed once again. Whatever I came here for, I don't think I can ever have it back. I lost them before and now I lost them for good.

Irish and I reached the village and we passed by the lugawan just outside the gates. Ian and I used to sneak out in the middle of the night just to eat there. We would order a bowl of piping hot lugaw with egg and tokwa't baboy. I enjoyed those nights so much. I stopped walking and pulled Irish's hand.

"What's wrong?" Irish asked.

"I wanna eat." I told her.

"Yeah. We'll have dinner at your place."

"No. I wanna eat there." I pointed at the lugawan.

"There? What are you gonna eat there? Lugaw? That's not even considered as dinner."

"But that is one of my favorite places in the world. They make the best lugaw I've ever tasted." I tried my very best to convince her.

"Fine. Let's go eat lugaw for dinner."

"Yey! Thanks." I walked to the lugawan enthusiastically.

"Robi, wait." Irish called out.

I turned to her.

"You've been acting weird all day." She sighed.

"What do you mean?" I was clueless.

"It's just that, you're different today."

"Different how?"

"Do you remember when we first met? And you were still with that anonymous girl from here? You're acting that way now. You're acting like the Robi who was so lovesick on that girl who remains unnamed until now... You, acting like this scares me." Irish said with worry in her eyes.

"What do you expect from me? I'm here in the place where I grew up. I can't control it if I'm becoming my old self again." I defended myself.

"But the old Robi wass so inlove with that girl- so inlove that he almost went insane... Have you seen her again? Have you seen 'THE' girl?"

I couldn't speak. How can I tell her that it was Ian? I don't think I can ever tell her.

"Answer me! Have you seen her?!" Irish was furious.

"Yes! I saw her again!" I answered.

It was Irish's turn to be speechless.

"I've seen her many times since we got here." I confessed.

"Did your heart started racing when you saw her? Did you wanna hug her? Kiss her? Did you want to just be with her when you saw her?"

If I told her the truth, she'll hit rock bottom.

"Answer me, Robi!" Irish said while she grabbed the collar of my shirt.

"Yes! I wanted to be with her. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to kiss her. My heart still races whenever I see her."

Tears from Irish's eyes started to flood. Then, she slapped me on the face again and again. I held her wrists trying to stop her.

"Irish, stop it! Listen to me!" I tried to control her. "I said stop it and listen to me! I felt that way whenever I saw her, but I still choose to be with you! Even if I want to be with her, I'm still choosing you. I will never allow myself to go insane ever again. Do you understand that?"

"No. Am I supposed to be happy because I got the consolation prize? Am I supposed to be happy that you chose me- that there is someone else you'd rather be with but you still chose me? You make me sound so pathetic. I'd rather have you want me even if you don't choose me. At least I'll know that it's for real and not just some stupid scheme for a rebound. After 5 years... I'm still a rebound..."

"Irish..." I reached for her hand but she pulled away.

"Go have dinner in that favorite place of yours. I'll just take a cab to the hotel. Bye..." Irish walked away.

I watched her walk away. Then, I walked to the lugawan and ordered a bowl of piping hot lugaw with egg and tokwa't baboy. The lugaw wasn't the same anymore. It tasted different. It was good, but not as good as the lugaw we used to eat. It didn't taste the same. I walked home feeling dissatisfied. Everything does change- people, places, and even the lugaw which used to taste the same for 15 years also changed. It's sad... Really sad... Now I know how the phrase "wala na akong babalikan" feels.