The girl who can't be moved (COMPLETED)

The girl who can't be moved (ELEVEN)

I tried calling Irish after our fight that night but she wouldn't answer. I went to the hotel where she was staying but she wasn't there. Maybe she wanted to be alone. Maybe she wanted to think, and I need that too. Neon has been out of the scene for a week already. According to the news, they're having a vacation before starting their tour. Even if I got kicked out of the band, I'm still proud of them. They've reached what we only dreamed of before. Sometimes I wonder, if I didn't leave, will Neon be who they are now? Maybe I really wasn't meant to be in the band. Maybe I really am not meant to be with Ian. 

It's been a week since the fight with Irish. She still hasn't answered my calls. I knew she was safe because I called her mom up. She said that Irish calls her everyday. She's safe, she just doesn't want to talk to me. I spent my days alone hanging out in my room listening to Neon. I watched some of their videos on the net. I even found a video of Ian's launch. I watched the new music video of Neon- they did a cover of The Script's 'The Man Who Can't Be Moved'. Ian sang it- she's now known as 'the girl who can't be moved'. I watched the video over and over. I was in the middle of watching it for the nth time when someone barged in my room. I turned and saw Irish. She looked different. She looked as if she got stranded in an island for a week. Her hair tied in a bun and her skin looked sunburned. She wasn't her usual sophisticated self. We stared at each other as Ian sang through the chorus of the song. Irish looked at the screen of my laptop. She did a half hearted smile. 

"Where have you been? I called you a hundred times. I was worried sick." I told her.

"Really? You were worried? Is that how you show that you're worried- by watching the music video of your supposed ex girlfriend? This is crazy." She shook her head. "I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm raising the white flag. I give up."

"I don't understand." I couldn't absorb what she was saying.

"I'm done being the rebound girl. I accept the fact that you can never love me the way you love her. I'll always be the second choice. I'll always be the consolation prize. I don't want to be like that anymore. 5 years of pretending that everything's okay is over. It was never okay and it will never be..." A tear rolled down her cheek. "You can't be with me when you should be with someone else. We can't be together when you should be with the girl who can't be moved."

"What are you saying? You knew about Ian? Did she tell you?!" I was furious.

"No. No one told me. I found out myself. Maybe it would've hurt less if you told me. When I found out, I felt sorry for myself because everyone knew and no one even bothered to tell me. You all made me look stupid."

"I didn't tell you because it didn't matter. I came here because I wanted to make Ian move on. I want her to let go."

"But you ended up moving back to her... Robi, I want to marry you, but I can't. I can't just marry the person I love. I want to marry someone who loves me back- only me. Ako lang. Walang kahati. No ghosts of the past. I can never have that with you. I can't be your rebound girl for the rest of our life."

"Irish, don't do this." I said.

"I'm leaving...Tomorrow... And you... You have to stay here and do what you were supposed to do 5 years ago."

She turned away ready to leave.

"Irish, wait. What did Ian tell you?" 

"Nothing. She said nothing... Goodbye, Robin Hood. Keeper of Ian's heart." She smiled at me and left. 

That was it. Irish left me. After everything we've been through, it still wasn't enough to make us stay together. That was it. She gave up on me. She gave up on me the way I gave up on Ian. At least she got the courage to face me and say it to my face- something I wasn't brave enough to do. I'm losing too much. First, I lost my band, my friends, and now my fiancée. Up until now, I'm losing because of Ian. I always lose because of her. I can't help but put all the blame on her. People think that I'm the villain because I let Ian get stranded in my promise and made Irish a rebound girl. But, they don't know how much I am hurting too. They don't know how close to being insane I got when I went to Spain. 

I went there and found out that my 'supposed' happy family was falling apart. My mom was having an affair with my dad's best friend. I felt so sorry for my dad until I found out that they were already working on their annulment. My dad was the first to have an affair. It was crazy. My brother moved out of the house, and I was left witnessing all the craziness of my parents' marriage downfall. Maybe that was the reason why I doubted that Ian would wait for me. I was scared that we'll turn out like my parents. I didn't want to feel that kind of pain. I lost trust in everyone just because my parents broke the trust they have for each other. I just wanted to escape- escape before I get trapped in that same scene. I felt like it won't be long before Ian falls for James. I've got way too much pride and trauma in my being to just let it happen to me. Irish was very vocal of her feelings for me and I was very vocal about being inlove with someone else- I never dared mention Ian's name. Irish was the only person I told my crazy family story. She understood because her parents were also separated. She told me that it'll get better. She told me that separation is so much better than seeing them fight every single day. She was right. Things got a little better everyday. 
But the thought still remained- when something so good begins, it's bound to end one day. So I ended up thinking that if I get together with someone I don't really have feelings for, it wouldn't hurt as much when I lose her. That's when I decided to give it a go with Irish. No complications. No dramas. No roller coaster ride. I was fine with that compromise. I love Irish. I did love her- but not as much as I loved Ian. My love for Irish never ran too deep, but I was ready to settle with her. I was contented with whatever we have. But I let her walk away. I let her go. Maybe I love her that way. I love her that I don't want her to get trapped in my still miserable life. I guess there are two kinds of love, one where you'd rather let someone go than hurt her even more, and two, you keep holding on even if the person you love is bound to get more hurt. I choose to do the first. I choose to keep on letting go of the people I love so they won't get hurt anymore. And maybe, just maybe, prevent myself from getting more hurt too. 
_____________

We're back in the recording studio again. We're brain storming for the line up of songs we'll be playing for the tour. Great suggestions came from the guys, but my brain was still in outer space. 

"Adrianne." Zach tapped me on the shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm... fine" I smiled half heartedly. 

"Are you sure? Para kasing ang layo ng iniisip mo. May problema ba?" Rika was concerned.

"I'm sorry if I'm not helping." I stood up. "It's just that, I'm so messed up. I can't think straight. I know I'm supposed to be professional about this, but I can't- not when I'm feeling broken. I'm sorry James, Zach, Anton, Ali, Rika, and to all of you here. That one week break wasn't enough to straighten out my head, let alone my heart. I'm sorry I just can't be here right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." I cried. I cried in front of my band, the producers, the musical and creative directors. I cried in front of everyone.

"Ian..." James walked to where I stood.

"It's okay, Ian." The executive producer spoke. "You can take the day off. I'll just have the secretary send you the output of this meeting. And I'm sure the band will fill you up on whatever we decide on. Take the day off and straighten whatever is bothering you. I always see you with Neon when you were still their stylist- you're a tough cookie. Something must be troubling you so badly to make you cry like that. Sige na. You can go." He smiled at me sympathetically.

"I'll go with you." James offered.

"No. I need to be alone. Stay here." I told him and walked away. 

I went out of the recording studio. I hailed the first bus I saw and to my surprise, it was our bus- Robi and mine. I sat at the very back. I sat there and cried my heart out. 

"Oh! Ikaw na naman?!" The manong kundoktor said. "Pwede ba, wag ka nang magsusulat dito. May gumagaya sayo eh."

"Pwede, kuya, manahimik ka na lang. Broken hearted ako! Limang taon ako naghintay tapos malalaman ko kinalimutan na ko nung lalaking mahal ko?! Alam mo ba kung gano kasakit yun?! Gusto mong bumaba ako ngayon tapos humarang sa dadaanan nitong bus nyo?! Magpapakamtay na ko sa sobrang sakit! Pag hindi mo ko pinasulat ngayon, magpapakamatay na ko!" I yelled at him.

He was speechless. Everyone in the bus turned to where we were. Then, manong kundoktor just walked away. And what's even more ironic is that the song playing in the bus was "The Girl Who Can't Be Moved". 

"Here." Someone said and handed me a marker. 

I turned to see who it was. I think I've seen him somewhere, but couldn't remember where or when.

"Use it." I took the marker from him. "A vandaled bus is better than a bloody bus. Besides, mortal sin ang magpakamatay..."

"Do I know you?" I asked him.

"I don't think so. Hindi naman ako sikat katulad nyo eh. I didn't know that the girl who can't be moved has huge issues."

"You know me?" 

"Who wouldn't? You're the drummer of Neon. One of the greatest bands of the generation. And you're the only girl who made it. And the cover you did on this song is really great. Siguro kasi sobrang totoo, kaya pati kami, nararamdaman namin pag kinakanta mo." He said that as if he knew me very well. As if he knew what I was feeling.

"Siguro kung may isang tao kang mahal na mahal tapos hinintay mo sya, only to find out na kinalimutan ka na nya, you just might understand how painful it is everytime I sing that song. Sa sobrang sakit, pati sa mga nakikinig, tumatagos yung sakit na nararamdaman ko."

"I don't know how much it hurts. Half way pa lang ako ng pinagdadaanan mo. Dun pa lang ako sa part na naghihintay. Sana, wag nya ko kalimutan. Have you tried letting that person go?"

"No. I couldn't. Iniisip ko pa lang, naiiyak na ko. Iniisip ko pa lang, nasasaktan na ko. Hindi ko kaya."

"Sometimes, when you let go of the person you love, that's the only time they'll find their way to you. Ako, I'm hoping and praying that she comes back to me. I let her go because she asked me to and because I know we can love eachother better if I let her go and she comes back. We'll both have time to grow and be better individuals before becoming a better couple."

"What if she doesn't come back? What if she decides to completely move on without you? That would really suck."

"If she doesn't, I can always love her from afar. If she doesn't, maybe something greater will come out of it. You just need to trust the unexplainable world we live in..."

I stared at him. I've really seen him before.

"Magsusulat sana ako dito kanina. Nainggit kasi ako sa mga sulat mo. Pero, naisip ko, sa inyo ni Robin Hood mo 'tong bus na 'to. Sa ibang bus ko na lang isusulat yungsamin ng Ms. Japan ko." He smiled. "Manong! Sa kanto lang po! Nice meeting you, the girl who can't be moved."

"Just call me Ian."

He stood up.

"Bye Ian. Wag ka na umiyak. Ang umiyak at sumuko pangit! Yun na dapat yung motto mo." He started walking towards the door of the bus.

"Wait! I don't even know your name." I called out to him.

"My name's Caleb." 

"Nice meeting you too!" I waved good bye to him.

Caleb... Caleb... Caleb... I know him! He's from that band in college- The Pastels. Halos magkasabay sila ng Neon, but Neon got the big break first. The Pastels are now making a name around bars in Manila. Caleb's the front man of the band. 

Should I finally let go of Robi? Should I raise the white flag and finally let go of my Robin Hood? Should I accept defeat and be ugly? I took the cap of the marker off and wrote: "How can I move on when I'm still so inlove with you?"