The girl who can't be moved (COMPLETED)

The girl who can't be moved (TWELVE)

I got off the bus a few blocks away from our village. I wanted to walk and think about what I should do. I'm already hanging by a thread. I've been falling over the cliff for almost 6 years and I know I'm going to hit the ground soon- and I know that hitting the ground will hurt more than falling. It's so unfair. May mas sasakit pa sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Sige na! Ako na masochist! 

I sat on the pavement in front of our house. I stared at Robi's house. I found myself smiling at the thought of seeing him for the first time when we were young. He was the first kid I saw in the village and he caught me on a bad day. I was grumpy because I didn't want to leave our old house. He was staring at me, something that I hated when I was young, so I stuck my tongue out at him. I guess he hated me for it. We never made an effort to be friends. We got close when we were in sixth grade because of some whole year project. We bonded. We hung out. We goofed around. We had fun. I developed a crush on him. When my parents told me that I would be spending my summer in Australia a month before summer vacation, I've put on a hunger strike. I didn't want to go. I was scared that I'll lose whatever I have with Robi. The only good thing that came out of the hunger strike was that Robi noticed I was getting thinner. He stopped teasing me about my chubby cheeks. My parents still won. I spent my summer in Australia. I counted the days until I go back. I used to call Robi 3 times a week, we would talk for an hour until I run out of call cards. Sometimes, we would chat. But he got busy with music. I have only been gone for 3 weeks, and things changed already. I even bought pasalubong for Robi. I bought him a baseball cap and drumsticks- because the last time I talked to him, he said he's so inlove with drums. When I got back from Australia after two months, he was always out of their house. Either he's on drum lessons or with his supposed musically inclined friends. He didn't have time to spend with me, so I just asked his mom to give him my pasalubong. I only got a thank you note. 

Robi and I spent high school like normal classmates. He became popular when he started performing in a band. I was always there. I watched every battle of the bands he joined. I was there everytime he performed with his band. I was there cheering among the crowd. The more we drifted apart, the more he occupied my senses. I will forever thank James for making me exist in Robi's world again. If he didn't invite me to come with them to their jamming sessions, I don't think Robi would even remember my name now. It was Robi's dad's birthday. I even bought a dress especially for that night. I wanted Robi to notice me. I wanted to exist in his world again. I already accepted defeat when he didn't even go near me to exchange hi's and hello's, so I went out of their house. I was about to step out of their gate when someone called out to me. It was James. He asked me if I knew where he can buy cigarettes. Instead of giving him directions on where the nearest tindahan is, I lectured him on how cigarettes can ruin not only your life but the whole world as well. I guess it worked since he never dared touch a cigarette ever since. 

James and I sat on the pavement and talked about nonsense stuff. After a while, Robi and his other band mates saw us. James invited me to their jamming and the rest was history. We would spend so much time in Zach's garage. They would even pick me up from school since I really have no sense of direction. I would always get lost even if I knew the place. Robi didn't show much care for me like the other guys did. He would often ignore me, or reprimand me on shallow stuff. Maybe that's the reason why I fell for him- 'cause everytime he did something sweet for me it would turn out super duper sweet because it was out of the ordinary Robi. 

Top 3 ROBI MOMENTS

1. I went cutting classes for the first time with my classmates. We went to Gateway. It was my first time to go there. We went around the mall and I got lost. I tried calling my classmates but they already left the mall. I didn't know what to do. They told me to take the LRT then the MRT. I didn't know how to ride the LRT and MRT. I wanted to cry. I couldn't call home because my parents will find out that I cut class. I tried calling James, but his phone was turned off. So, I called Robi. 

"Robi..." I said, keeping myself from crying.

"Okay ka lang ba? Parang nanginginig yung boses mo." He asked sounding worried.

"Kasama mo ba si James?"

"Oo. Kasabay ko maglakad."

"Pasabi naman sa kanya pasundo ako dito sa Gateway." My voice already cracked. 

"Diba may pasok ka? Anong ginagawa mo dyan?" 

"Nag-cutting kami ng classmates ko. I got lost. Hindi ko alam pano ako babalik sa school namin. Hindi naman ako marunong mag train." I said in between sobs.

"What?! Saan ka sa Gateway?" He said panicking.

"Dito sa may tapat ng DQ."

"Okay... Wag ka na umiyak. Stay there... Wag kang aalis dyan."

Robi hung up. I stayed right where I was like he told me to. I waited for James to come and pick me up, but I was surprised when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was Robi. 

"What were you thinking?" He asked me with worry in his eyes. "Okay ka lang ba?"

"Bakit ikaw? Akala ko si James susundo sakin."

"Shoot. I forgot to tell him. Tumakbo na ko sa kotse as soon as I hung up kanina. Ano? Okay ka lang ba?"

"Takot ako...." Tears started welling up in my eyes again.

"Wait... Wag ka na umiyak. Teka lang..." He reached inside his bag. "Here." He handed me a pack of gummy bears and Chuckie. "Wag ka na umiyak, bata."

I took it and looked at Robi.

"Smile na ha." Robi smiled at me. 

That made me smile.

"Sa susunod, kung gusto mo mag-cutting classes, tawagan mo ko. Sasamahan kita. Para hindi ka mukang kuting na niligaw. Hayyy naku... Ang baby ko, namumula ang ilong..."

"What did you just call me? 'Baby ko'?'" I asked.

He put his arm around me and hugged me tight.

"Oo. Baby ko..." he said in a very malambing tone.

"Bakit 'baby ko'?" I asked again while trying to contain the butterflies in my stomach.

"Baby ko, dahil para kang baby. Kailangan alagaan. Kailangan bantayan. Masarap i-hug. At..." Robi paused "Masarap din mahalin..." 

"Hmp... mamaya, aawayin mo na naman ako."

"Hindi ah. Today, mamahalin kita baby ko."

"Robi... Baka maniwala ako..."

"Okay lang... Tototohanin ko naman eh..." He looked me straight in the eyes.

I couldn't look back at him any longer. It felt like my stomach's gonna burst with billions of butterflies. I turned away and started walking.

"Hatid mo na ko ulit sa school." I told him.

"Wag na." He held my hand. I didn't have the guts to let go. "Since sira na yung schedule mo and schedule ko, let's just spend the day together. Like I said, I'll love you today."

I pulled my hand away. I turned my back on him and took deep breaths.

"Ian-yan, bakit?" He asked me. He was about to grab my hand but I didn't let him. "Why?"

"Eee..." I said feeling embarassed.

"Ano nga?" He asked a bit confused.

"Kinikilig kasi ako...." I admitted.

He laughed.... We spent the whole day riding the LRT and MRT. He taught me how to ride them.

2. I was in the soccer team and a very active member of the theatre organization. I would juggle, soccer practice, theatre rehearsal and academic stuff altogether. There was a time where the soccer game coincided with our org performance on the same day. I asked my mom and dad to take the day off to come and watch me on both activities. They both said yes. I also asked the guys to go, but they passed because they all have classes on that day. On the day of the soccer-game-slash-org-performance, my mom and dad cancelled on me. They had an important business emergency. I was devastated. I wanted to just get away from there. I didn't want to play nor perform anymore. I texted the guys: 'ayoko n! 2 important events, and no one would even bother to watch me. My parents bailed out on me. :c' They texted me with apologies and comforting words. Robi didn't text back. I just ran around the soccer field while waiting for the game to start. When the game was about to start, I heard someone cheering my name. I looked over to the crowd and saw someone holding up a banner with "GO IAN!" written on it. I went near the benches to have a closer look on who was holding up the banner. To my surprise it was Robi. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"Cheering for you." He said enthusiastically.

"Diba, you have class today?"

"Well... I never really liked Calculus, so I skipped it... I'd rather be here cheering for you. Sorry ha. Hindi ako prepared eh. Hindi na ko nakagawa ng pompoms."

What he said made me smile.

"Yes!" He exclaimed. "Ngumiti ka na din. Kanina ka pa kasi nakasimangot habang tumatakbo eh...'Nga pala... Dinalan kita ng energy stuff mo." He opened his bag and reached for something "Gummybears and Chuckie."

What he did was enough to light up my whole week. I got so fired up with the game and we won. I was so happy that I forgot about my scratched knee. After the celebratory hugs with my team mates, I went to where Robi was sitting. I gave him a hug.

"Amoy baby pa din kahit pawis ah." He said. "Congrats... Ang galing mangbalya ng bata ah. Taob yung jumbo girls sayo."

I slapped him on the shoulder and sat on the bench.

"Thank you ha. Siguro, bad mood pa din ako ngayon kung hindi ka dumating." I told him.

He sat beside me. 

"Wala yun." He handed me a towel from his bag. "Punas ka na. Dugyot mo eh."

I didn't take it. I just stared at him. Then, he wiped my face with the towel. 

"Pasaway na bata. Gusto pa, inaalagaan sya." He sighed.

My stomach was bursting with butterflies again. I couldn't talk nor move. He opened his bag again and took out a pack of cotton, betadine and a band aid. 

"Tuhod mo..." He said. 

My brain was working ultra slow due to the over populating butterflies in my stomach. He knelt down in front of me and started cleaning my scratched knee with cotton and betadine. 

"Kelan ka pa nagkaroon ng first aid sa bag?" I asked him.

"Nung naging close ka samin. Clumsy ka kasi eh." He said. 

"Bakit ngayon ko lang nakita?"

"First to the rescue kasi lagi si James."

"Hindi ka naman kasi nagvo-volunteer."

"Okay lang. May participation pa din naman ako pag nire-rescue ka ni James..." He said as he stuck the band aid on my wound.

"Huh?" I was confused.

"Ako nagsu-supply ng band aid kay James sa tuwing nasusugatan ka." He stood up and messed my hair. "Tara. Magpe-perform ka pa." He grabbed my bag and we walked to the auditorium. 

"Thanks for being here. Sige na. Diba may class ka pa ng 2pm?" I reminded him.

"Wag na. Hindi ko naman gusto yung prof namin ngayon eh. Dito na lang ako. Ako naman yung susuporta sayo. Lagi na lang kasi ikaw yung sumusuporta samin..."

"Hindi naman ako humihingi ng kapalit ah." I said.

"Hindi nga... But, I want to be here. I wanna be here for you. Kung hindi nila kayang samahan ka, tawagin mo lang ako. Kasi, lagi akong handa mag-cut class at mag- absent para sayo. Okay?" He assured me.

"Okay..." I smiled.

He sat along with the crowd in the auditorium. He watched in silence the way I did for him in high school. And he was also the first to stand up, clap and cheer when my name was called as we were introduced after the play. I laughed when he held the banner up again.

3. I broke my ankle in one of our soccer practice 3 months before the championship. I had a cast on for 2 months. The doctor also told me that I have to stop playing for at least a year. I was devastated. Soccer was the only thing I'm good at, and I had to stop- of course I was devastated. I cried like a baby. I tried calling James, to tell him about it, but he was in class so he couldn't answer. I texted Robi about what happened to me and how I wanted to just chop my leg off so I'll be more convinced that I won't be able to play. He didn't respond. I fell asleep crying in my hospital bed with my mom and dad trying to calm me down. I woke up after an hour, only to find Robi beside me. 

"Okay ka na? Masakit pa ba?" He asked worried.

I stared at him... Then my tears started bursting out.

"Huy... Teka lang. Yung dam of tears mo.... Babaha dito. Kawawa naman yung manong janitor..." Robi said panicking.

"The doctor said I need to take a break from soccer. At least 1 year break." I wailed. "Anong gagawin ko for one year? Dun na nga lang ako magaling, tapos biglang hindi na pwede. Wala na ko. Useless na ko. Wala na kong kwentang creature."

"Ian-yan..." He sighed as he wiped away my tears. "Sabi ng doctor one year. Hindi naman forever eh. Think of it as a time to rest- an opportunity to discover something else that you're good at..."

"Ayoko..." I whimpered.

"Diba you want to really be in the band? I'll teach you how to play the drums. Para pag wala ako, ikaw yung magda-drums."

"Ayaw... Soccer lang gusto ko." I said being defiant.

"I think, drumming will be good for you. Nakakatanggal yun ng stress and frustration." He said convincing me. "Wag ka na umiyak, bata...." He wiped the tears rolling down my cheeks. "I'll teach you how."

"Promise?" I sniffed.

He raised his right hand and smiled.

"Promise... Kaya, tigilan mo na yang kakaiyak mo. Maga na nga yung legs mo, maga pa yung mata mo. Yung mga sumusuko lang yung pangit diba. Sige ka, sa pag iyak ka papangit... Smile ka na. Akong bahala sayo. I'll take care of you. Sige na. Ngiti na."

He rummaged in his bag and brought out packs of gummy bears and a Chuckie. He handed all of it to me.

"Please, smile ka na..." He said begging.

I just stared at him. I stared at him not because I couldn't smile, but because I was still absorbing the Robi in front me. It was a bit hard to believe that I was hearing all of it from Robi. I took a deep breath. Bad move- because I've set all the butterflies in my stomach free again. My tummy was super duper fluttery again that I found it hard to breathe. Then, I just let myself be lost in the moment. I hugged him. 

"Naka-smile ka na diba?" Robi asked while I was still hugging him. 

I smiled as I felt him wrap his arms around me.

"Yes... I'm smiling now." I said proudly.

"I'm smiling too." He whispered.

Robi stayed in the hospital with me the whole night. He skipped classes the next day to keep me company. He kept his promise and taught me how to play the drums. He would come over to my house and escort me to their house. He would even carry me on his back whenever I needed to go up or down the stairs. On the first day of our drum lesson, he asked me to just hit the drums until I chase away all my frustration. I did. I kept going at it for 5 whole minutes. I only stopped because I busted his snare drum. I thought he was gonna yell at me, but he didn't. He just messed my hair and said: "Okay lang yan. I wanted to buy a new one anyway. Still frustrated?"

I shook my head and did the peace sign.

"Sorry. I'll pay for it na lang." I told him.

"You don't have to. Mayaman ako noh. Marami akong pambili. Just come with me to the mall. I need to replace the snare so we can go on with your drum lesson."

"With my broken legs? I don't think so." I shrugged.

"Don't worry about it. Akong bahala."

We drove to the mall. Robi had to walk super slowly because of me. 

"Wait lang." I pulled on his arm.

"Why? Masakit ba yung legs mo?" He was worried.

"No. I'm fine... I'll sit on the bench over there na lang. I'll wait for you there. Baka kasi nahihirapan ka na sakin."

"Hindi noh. Ako mahihirapan? Super Robi kaya ako."

"Hindi bagay... Sige na, dun na lang ako. Ang bagal ko kasi maglakad eh."

He turned his back on me and knelt down.

"Hop on." He said. "I'll carry you."

"No. We're in a mall. Okay lang kung nasa house tayo or sa village."

"Wag ka na makulit. Sige na. Kaya naman kita eh. And if you're thinking about people staring at us, let them. Ingit lang sila kasi wala silang Super Robi na magbubuhat sa kanila." He said confidently.

"Ayoko nga ng Super Robi eh. Hindi bagay." I objected. 

"Fine. Hindi na Super Robi. Just hop on already."

"Okay..."
I hopped on his back. He carried me. He gave me a piggy back ride. Butterflies in my stomach again. I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear.

"Secret lang to ha." I whispered to Robi.

"Ano yun?" He said, curious.

"Kinikilig ako." I confessed.

He laughed...

"Okay lang. Ako din naman eh." He said.

"Hmp. Gaya-gaya ka naman." I said and pinched his cheek.

"Well it's true..." 

We strolled the mall with me on his back. People stared, but who cares? I was with the guy I'm inlove with and hearing him say that he's also 'kinikilig' makes me even more kilig. 

Those were the 3 moments that would instantly pop in my head everytime I even go near to thinking about forgetting Robi. It only takes those 3 moments to make me embrace pain even more. I was holding on to those memories, because I knew that it was real. I knew that Robi did love me.