Alpha (Jacob Seed X Deputy OC)

31 - Daddy Issues

My hair clung to the nape of my neck as I heaved up another stomach-full of vomit into the toilet bowl. I'd try to pass it off that I just hadn't been feeling well for the past few days but I knew that it was a lie. The worst thing possible had happened. Dabbing at my lips with some toilet paper, I got off of my sweaty knees and pressed down on the flush. Acid burnt the back of my throat so I leaned under the sink to swill my mouth out before quietly padding back to the bedroom. On my way, I saw Nick sitting in the living room trying to calm a crying Carmina. He shot me a look and I gave him a tight nod of confirmation. I saw his Adam's apple jolt as he swallowed, nodding back to me. Opening the door, I caught sight of Jacob already sat with his head in his hands on the edge of the bed. He knew.

'You're pregnant aren't ya pup?' His voice was muffled but I heard him loud and clear.

'Yes.' I finally said, a hand pressing to my still flat stomach. I couldn't fathom the fact that Jacob's baby was currently growing inside of me. I wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse.

'And you can't get rid of it?'

'No.' I almost felt ashamed, wishing there was something I could do to make it go away. Jacob let out an uneasy sigh.

'I don't want anythin' to do with it.' He finalised, standing up and turning to look at me. My lungs deflated but I simply nodded and turned my gaze to the floor.

'That's fine...' I mumbled softly, even though it wasn't. I had no idea how I was meant to get through this without him.

'Just tell it that it's dad died in the collapse or summit.' He said coldly, arms folding defensively across his chest.

'Right... yeah...' Bracing myself, I moved my lips into a thin line and started towards the door. I wanted him to stop me and tell me it'd all be okay, that we'd figure this whole thing out together but he let me go without any reassurance. Closing the bedroom door behind me, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Clasping a hand over my mouth, I slid to the floor and let out a quiet sob.

'Dep?' Nick approached carefully from his own room having just put Carmina back down to rest. 'Hey, don't cry.' He gathered me into a much needed hug and my body juddered against him. 'C'mon let's go sit down.' He helped me over to the sofa, completely glazing over the fact that I was in my underwear.

'I can't do this Nick.' Crumpling against him, he rubbed my back slowly.

'So you definitely are having one then?' He asked and I nodded tearfully. 'And he doesn't want to be involved?'

'Told me to tell the baby that their father died in the collapse.' I choked, sniffing hard.

'Well that's ridiculous. What if it comes out with bright red hair and those Seed blue eyes?' Kim strode into the living room tiredly, rubbing at her eyes.

'It'll be a bit obvious.' Nick agreed as I plunged my face into my hands.

'I don't want to do this on my own.'

'And you won't. He can be a fucking asshole about it all he wants, you'll always have Kim and I Dep.' Nick said defensively, pulling me into another hug.

'We have a couple of other bedrooms down here. You're welcome to take one for yourself so you can have your own space.' Kim smiled softly and crouched in front of me, embracing my hands in hers. She pulled them from my face and dried my tears. 'You're family, do not be afraid to ask for anything you need.'

And so that's what I did. I moved into the room next door to Jacob's and spent most of my time alone. Over the next few months my stomach started to balloon out as the baby grew bigger and bigger. Sleep began to evade me and I would hear the regular thump of Jacob getting up next door in the middle of night like clockwork. He rarely came out of his room but when he did, he struggled to hold my eye contact or even speak to me. Kim and Nick however were extremely supportive. They allowed me to spend a lot of time with Carmina so I could get used to nursing and changing nappies. Some nights they even moved her crib into my room so that I could start to adjust to being woken up at all times. It was hard and it was tiring but despite it all, I was starting to think that maybe I'd be okay. Maybe I could do this all by myself without Jacob's help.

***

I was five months into my pregnancy and I had already started to feel a little less apprehensive about having a baby. But I couldn't help feeling as though something was missing. During the nights, I would lie on the bed and wait for the thump of Jacob getting up and toy with poking my head through the door to see him. Every time I talked myself out of it. Except for tonight.

THUMP

There it was. I heard him slip down the plaster of the wall and fall on the floor next door. Cradling my enlarged stomach, I heaved myself off of the bed and padded out to his door. Taking a deep breath, I knocked once before opening it and stepping inside.

'Jake?' I whispered quietly, my eyes adjusting to the darkness of the bunker.

'What do you want?' He grunted in his usual grumpy tone. Fumbling my way over, I slid down onto the floor next to him.

'How are you?' I asked, hands still protectively planted on my bare belly.

'How do I look pup?' He sighed, tipping his head back against the wall. It'd been a while since I'd seen him so exhausted.

'Tired.' I reached for his arm and gently stroked his skin. He tensed at first but soon gave in to my touch, clearly feeling somewhat starved of it after so long.

'I'm sure you're more tired than I am.' He rolled his head against the plaster to look at me. 'S'getting big huh?'

'Yeah.' Looking down at the bump, I rubbed my  palm tenderly against the smooth skin. I could feel his eyes lingering, almost intrigued by it. 'Do you want to touch it?' I asked and he snapped his head away.

'No, no, it's fine.' He mumbled, scratching at his beard.

'C'mon Jake.' Tentatively I took his wrist and I was surprised that he allowed me to move his hand and plant it against my ballooned abdomen. 'See? It's not that scary.'

'Are you kiddin' me?' Jacob shook his head, conflict etching across his features. 'This is the scariest thing in the world.'

'You're the one kidding right?' I snorted, thinking he was joking but the look in his eyes told me that that was not the case. 'Jake, you've seen and done some of the most horrific things imaginable. How can a baby be the scariest thing in the world?'

'Because I could get it wrong. I got it wrong for John. I got it wrong for Joseph. What if it happens again? What if I fail them Athena?' He shook his head and pulled his hand away leaving a warm imprint on my skin. 'There's no way to make sure this goes right. There's no fuckin' way for me to plan.' He took a long breath through his gritted teeth. 'I never had a father figure. I don't know what it is to be a good dad.'

'Is that was this is all about?' I shook my head at him, pulling him back so he was touching the bump again. 'Jacob, neither of us have any clue what we're doing but that's okay. Parenting isn't meant to be easy. There isn't a rule book that you can follow on how to be a good mom or dad. You just make it up as you go.'

'But what if I fuck up?' He bit down on his lip and gazed at me with genuine fear in his eyes.

'You won't. It's okay to be scared, hell I'm terrified! But we'll be okay. You aren't your father Jake.' I planted a gentle kiss to his cheek and squeezed his shoulder. 'I love you and I believe in you-' Before I could finish, a turning sensation whipped through my stomach.

'The fuck was that?' He increased his pressure to my skin. 'Is that normal?'

'I think they're kicking.' I smiled at him as the sensation rippled through me again.

'Huh.' Was all Jacob could muster but a sweet expression of awe spread across his face. He gazed expectantly at my stomach and I saw his lip quirk into a slight grin each time the baby moved. He shifted his other hand to press it against me, desperate to feel every single motion and imprint it on his memory. Jacob looked almost child-like, his face coloured with intrigue and curiosity. Perhaps we'd be okay after-all.