The Hybrid's Humanity, His Only Weakness & Greatest Strength {Klaus Love Story}

{--A Grave Lie--}

Dean's POV

"I always tried to protect you..." I look up to the sky, with the deepest, darkest pain in my chest. A pain I've never been able to get rid of. A pain that's literally only grown harder and harder to bear, the more time has passed. "Keep you safe... Then I screwed it up..." My voice trembles fiercely, I glance down, closing my eyes, hanging my head in shame as I try to hold myself together...

"I prayed for you Cas. Every night." I snap, wondering if my former friend can even hear me. "Can you even hear me, huh?... Do you even 'care?' I mean, where the hell was you, Cas? Where the hell are you, what the hell happened?" 

With another year gone by with still no word from Cas, no response, no real way of knowing if he can hear me, or not, the anger I feel towards him only grows harder to control. "I know you can hear me you son of a bitch..." I growl lowly, my voice shaking harshly. "Come on you 'coward,' where the hell are you..." 

"Dean?" My body tenses hearing Sammy call my name. I turn to look back at him, angry to see he's followed me, even more angry that just for a 'moment' my mind thought that Cas might actually be responding to me, not Sam... "It's getting worse, isn't it--The dreams..." He cautiously assumes, stepping closer. 

"I don't know why. I don't know what the connection is, not yet anyway. It's like my--Like my old life is coming after me or something, like--Like it doesn't 'want' me to be happy." I sullenly conspire, my mind filled with painful flashbacks of her, the love of my life, as she told me how much she loves me. "I don't know how much more I can take of this Sam..." I shake my head, tears rolling down my cheeks as I try my hardest not to allow my legs to collapse from underneath me, no matter how hard it is to stand up. 

I'm sick of pretending that I'm ok, when I'm not. 
I'm sick of crying all the time, I'm sick of feeling so 'angry' at everything and everyone.
Every single day that I'm not with her, my heart fills with hatred. 

I can't deal with the guilt anymore. 
I don't know how much longer I can take this. 
I can't stop thinking about her, about what we could be doing 'right now' if I hadn't failed to keep her safe, If 'I' hadn't 'screwed up.' 

"It has, hasn't it. It's been getting worse. It's every night now." Sammy presses. 

"Yeah..." I choke, weakly nodding my head. 

My mind just won't let me stop thinking about her. Every moment that I'm alone, every moment that I'm sitting somewhere I'm constantly reminded of memories that I have of her, memories that won't leave me alone. 

Conversations we'd had, her smile, her laugh, her voice, the 'feeling' of her being sat right near me almost makes me lose my mind. And the grief that consumes me when I'm snapped back to reality and realize that she's no longer 'alive' because of 'me' just cripples me more and more every single time... 

I could tell her anything.
I could tell her if I 'wasn't' ok. 
I could tell her if I wasn't feeling 'strong,' because I 'knew' I didn't 'have' to be strong around her all the time. 
And somehow, she always knew what to do, or what to say, to make the pain go away, to make the guilt just 'vanish' like it was never even there. 

When I think about losing her, when I think about how I lost her, how I warned her, so many times, that whatever we had between us, love, family, whatever it is, they were 'always' gonna use it against us... Now knowing how true that was, just fills me with so much hatred toward the world that I can barely even function anymore.

"Dean... Talk to me." 

I close my eyes trying my hardest not to sob as I lower my head, shaking it side to side, too afraid to say what I'm really feeling. 

Sammy sniffs up, only making me feel worse about all of this. 

I never wanted him to see me like this. 
I never wanted anyone to see me like this. 
The only person I ever felt like I could lose myself like this with, was her, but now she's gone...

"How I feel..." I choke, my voice shaking so hard that I can barely speak at all. "This. 'Inside me." I growl... I shake my head, so enraged, so sad, sickly, so filled with grief, guilt, and hatred... "I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy..." I choke harshly, my heart heavy, filled with torment, barely even able to breathe. "I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing..." 

My mind goes back to the moment I lost her, standing there completely hopeless at the hospital as Sammy told me we were losing her, and that I was in denial. 'She's 'not' gonna die.' 

I walked away from him, I didn't wanna hear it and I thought that if I could get away from him, stop hearing him say the things he was saying, then it would mean that it wasn't true. How that's when the hatred started, I was so 'mad' at god, I 'hated,' him, yelled at him, wishing I could kill him. 'WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!'

A violent, dark sickness builds inside me, almost making me sick as I think about the moment I walked back into the hospital to see all those doctors and nurses rushing past me, heading into her room, trying to save her life. And those last words that I said to her. 

'Look, I have no illusions. I know the life that I live... I know how that's gonna end for me. And whatever I'm ok with that... But I wanted you to know... That when I 'do' picture myself happy... It's with you... It has 'always,' been with you... I love you. So much... You can't leave me. Not you. Not now. Not like this...'

"I miss her too." Sammy gulps, snapping me out of my dark, consuming thoughts. "Every day... Look, I don't know why you're still having all these dreams, Dean, I don't know if it's because you didn't 'deal' with it properly when we lost her and now it's all creeping up on you... But I think it might be--Because you 'blame' yourself, Dean. You've 'always' blamed yourself for what happened to her, and it 'wasn't' your fault, Dean, ok? It was--It was just a--A 'stupid' accident. I swear to you, it wasn't your fault, 'you' didn't 'do' anything..." 

I sob, hard, completely consumed with grief, tormented every single second of every single day, because I failed to protect her and don't know how much longer I can go on living without her. "I loved her Sammy. I loved her more than I've ever loved anything in the 'world,' and I'm 'never' gonna get over this, I know I'm not, I just--I 'can't' get over her. How am I supposed to move on? How am I supposed to stop feeling this 'sad, this 'angry,' all the time? She's all I can think about, and I don't know how much longer I can take this..." 

My legs collapse from underneath me, causing me to land infront of her grave, the huge hole in my heart, the sight of her grave filling me with even more helplessness, even more anger, even more pain, as it makes reminds me all over again that she's really gone... 

"I love you, Chelsea. I loved you so, so much. And I still do..." I sadly assure, shaking my head as I try to stop myself from curling up in a ball beside her grave, wishing the ground would swallow me whole. "I always will... I've 'always' loved you, from the 'moment' I laid eyes on you, I knew you were gonna be the one for me... I wish I could've protected you, like I was supposed to. But I didn't... And I am, so, so sorry..." 

[DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN! TWISTY TWISTY TWISTY! ;) Please, please, please!! Watch the video :)]