the undying love

use to be mine

AUTHOR NOTE
sorry, I haven't written in so long, my life has been hectic!

Sam sat in bed for days after they took Dylan's body away.
Days of rereading his letters, and looking through photos, trying to take in his last bit of cologne in his favorite sweater.
There were moments where he just laid back and sobbed into Dylan's pillow. The lack of physicality was the worst. Sam felt it all at once, no breaks, no pauses. He was forced to live a life without him now.
Dean would come in every once in a while, hold him and let him cry it out some, but honestly, Dean was tired after contending with Ellen and Sam about where Dylan was going to be buried. Dylan dreamt of being buried back at home in Ohio, in an abandoned field that had always had pretty purple sunrises and pink sunsets.
So they followed his old wish and drove him to Ohio for burial.

Sam dug the hole and Ellen got his headstone out of her truck. Sam kept playing back scenes of Dylan's smile. Dean, Bobby, and Charlie helped carry his body out to the site. Dylan's final resting spot was in a spot he uses to travel to with an old friend of his. Sam held flowers, he watched Dylan's body be lowered into the shallow grave. No one standing there could take in the reality. It was almost like the world stopped, just life as they knew it came to a screeching stall, but yet somehow they kept moving.
Sam knelt down and laid a single rose on his grave, it was a white one. He looked up at Dylan's tombstone and he tried to take it all in. He tried to let the hurt in, but he wasn't ready. There is no way he could let it in.

Walking back to the car was long, a couple of words shared here and there but, for the most part, they all kept silent. Once they reached the cars, Dean walked over to Sam and hugged him, which made the emotions swell and Sam lost it.
"Dylan's okay now Sammy, no more pain, no more chemo, he's alright."
Sam's breathing became irregular, he couldn't catch up with how fast his heart was going. Ellen walked over and rubbed Sam's back.
"Dean's right kiddo," Ellen held back her tears, "Dylan's at ease now. We have to be thankful that he was okay long enough to see you."
Sam fell into the comfort of knowing he was okay, knowing there was no more pain, however, he himself has fallen into a pit of nothing but pain.

Once back home, Sam just looked around and sniffled. Everything there had been touched by Dylan's presence. The couch was still covered in blankets and pillows, and the recliner had Sam's stuff in it. He sat in it day and night, late nights of helping Dylan. The entire bunker was filled with him. Sam couldn't cope, he couldn't breathe without smelling him, and as much as he loved that, God was it killing him.
Dean walked back and saw Sam standing there.
Frozen.
It was a time where time truly stood still.
"Sammy, please don't." Dean spewed without thinking, "I-I mean just, you need sleep."
Sam looked at him and walked to the couch and crashed there.
And as Dean walked away he heard little sobs let out of Sam's giant heart.

As nighttime fell, Sam just laid on the couch, emotionless now. He couldn't anymore, no matter how hard he tried to cry again, his puffy, red eyes just wouldn't let any more happen.
Sam opened his phone and saw Dylan's smile in his favorite hoodie and sweats.
Sam tried to picture that day again, but he was too overwhelmed with the last mental pictures that always flooded his mind.
Sam shut his phone off and fell asleep on the worn-out couch.

Sams dream was flooded with the countless memories of Dylan's face. However, during his favorite memory, Dylan came through.
"Sammy you can't be like this."
Sam turned around and saw Dylan, not sick Dylan or dying, Dylan.
It was just... Dylan.
Sam ran up to him and kissed him with a passion only ever seen in acting classes. Sam pulled him away and just stared.
"Dylan please."
Dylan smiled and cupped his face, "oh Sammy, it was never supposed to end well for me. You know this."
Sam had held Dylan's hand to his face, sobbing.
Dylan continued, "besides, the drinking behind Dean's back, and the drugs? You know better. I will always love you, you are not gonna have me physically, but always will I be by your side."
Sam grabbed at him, trying to hold on to him.
Dylan's face slowly blurred out and Sam was shaken awake.
It was Dean, and it was only 11:38 PM.
Sam pushed him away.
"Let me sleep."
Dean sat down and took his hand, "Sam, he's gone. I know it hurts."
Sam sat up and got nose to nose with Dean, "don't you dare," Sam choked back his grief, "don't you dare try to say you know it hurts when you wanted him gone."
Sam got up and walked to the kitchen.
There was this surge of red, hot anger boiling in his veins, and an empty pit filling his stomach and chest.
He grabbed the keys and ran out to the car.