Missing

Chapter 6

"You've been to my house plenty of times, when do you think I'll get to see yours?" I questioned Jared.  We were sitting next to each other on my couch stuffing our faces with popcorn while we binged Season 6 of "The Office".  We had just spent the Saturday with Evan and Alana searching for Zoe around the neighborhood and Jared insisted on coming home with me afterwards.
    "You wouldn't want to come to my place, believe me."
    "Sure I would."
    "No you wouldn't."
    "Yes I would."
    "Well it's not going to happen.  Sorry to burst your bubble, pal."
    "Why not?"
    "Well because-- because um..." I watched Jared's facial expression grow gradually more worried as he thought of an excuse.  "You can't come over because my house is super messy.  I can't have you over."
    "You're a horrible liar, Kleinman.  You know that, right?"  Jared groaned in response and reached his hand into the bowl of popcorn.
    "Can we just watch the show?"
    "No, not until you tell me the real reason you don't want me to go to your house."
    "It's not important, really.  Like, it's not even a big deal, just forget I said anything."
    "Please tell me, Jare.  I tell you everything-- mostly."
    "You can't come over because of my dad, alright?  He's an asshole and I don't want you anywhere near him.  I rarely even have Evan over and our moms are friends, mine would always have to make some kind of excuse as to why she couldn't have dinner at her place or why she couldn't babysit Evan while Heidi went out.  On those rare occasions when he wasn't home were the days I could have people over, but not for long because we never knew when he was coming back."
    "He doesn't-- does he-- you know?"
    "Hurt me?  Yeah, he does.  It's worse for my mom than it is for me, but yeah. "
    "Holy shit," was all I could respond with.  "That's horrible, Jare."
    "No it's not.  I deserve it, you already know how much of a prick I am.  Its called karma, bitch."
    "No, you don't deserve any of it!" I was shouting at this point.  I stood up, knocking the bowl of popcorn over in the process, and dug my nails into my scalp.  Jared didn't deserve to have a horrible life.  I should be the one with an abusive father.  I should be the one nobody cares about.  I should be the one whose soul purpose is only to be and be.  "Fuck, this is so unfair!"

    "Where's Zoe?" I interrogated with a hint of bitterness to my voice.  I hadn't taken the time to examine my parents' faces before speaking.  When my eyes finally found their way to Cynthia's face, I could see trails of tears running down her cheeks and immediately felt my heart sink.  It took me a moment to finally talk again because I hadn't experienced such a strong emotion in quite a while.  "Where is she?" My voice was less hostile the second time.  However, Cynthia didn't answer.
    "We don't know," Larry finally admitted.  "Now go to your room, she'll be back when morning comes around."  How could he be so sure?

    I dropped to my knees and started to tug at my own hair in frustration.
    "Connor, it's really not that bad!" I ignored Jared's protests as my right hand found my left wrist.  I let my fingers trace the old cuts and told myself that I deserved them.  You don't deserve anything.  You made your sister die.  You killed her.  You killed Zoe and now you're just going to stand by while Jared get's hurt and soon you'll lose hime too.  "Con?"  Again, Jared's plea fell upon deaf ears.  My eyes began to water until I could no longer hold in my tears.  Jared rolled off of the couch and knelt beside me on the floor.
    "Um-- is touch okay?" He gently questioned.  I hesitated before nodding and couldn't help but flinch anyway when he took my right hand away from my wrist and grasped it in his own, lacing our fingers together.  "I know you won't believe me if I tell you that I'm fine so the truth is, I'm not.  Not really.  But I'll be okay.  I can care for myself and I have been doing it for years.  You don't need to worry about me, I promise."  I had no idea how he could make his voice sound so damn reassuring.
    "Why you?  I'm the one that deserves to be fucking hurt!  I deserve to die!"
    "No, no you don't.  Calm down, Con."
    "Shut up!" I stood up and yanked my hand away from Jared's.  "You should go."
    "Connor--"
    "I said you should fucking go!"
    "I'm not going anywhere, Murphy so sit your ignorant ass down and let me help you!" Jared shouted back at me.
    "Go, it's not like you really care about me anyway!  You're only pretending to be my friend now so you can use a situation like this against me in the future!" I noticed Jared flinch at the statement.
    "Really, Murphy?  Is that really how low you think of me?  Fuck you!"
    "Go home, Kleinman.  You don't care about me, you never have.  No one has."
    "Don't even say things like that, asshole!  I'm staying because I care.  Who knows what you would be doing right now if I left you."  I knew.  I felt my hand move to my wrist again to trace my past screw-ups.  Arguing with Jared any further wouldn't do anything.  Jared was stubborn and getting him to leave would take too much effort.  I finally gave up and sat on the floor again with my back against the couch.
    "I'm sorry," I murmured.  I didn't want Jared to be mad at me.  I didn't want our friendship to end just yet.  "I just-- I can't control myself.  I try-- I really do, but I keep reminding myself that I killed my sister and that I deserve to suffer and die."
    "You didn't kill her, Con." Jared scooted next to me so that our arms and legs were pressed against each other.  "Besides, she might not be dead, that's why we're still looking for her."
    "Then why aren't the cops still searching, hmm?"
    "Missing people aren't typically a first priority."
    "But murders are."
    "Well, yeah."
    "She could have been murdered."
    "There's no evidence."
    "They should treat it like a murder until they find evidence to prove otherwise."
    "I know but there are tons of crimes that occur each day and if the cops dedicated all their time to finding Zoe Murphy who would be there to stop the rest of the crimes that occur?"
    "Whatever."
    "We can only hope at this point."
    "I guess."  There was a brief silence in which Jared and I gazed at one another.
    "Connor?"
    "Hmm?"
    "Nevermind." Jared clearly had something to say, I could see it in his eyes.  However, he didn't need to speak to convey his emotions.
    "No, go on."
    "I-- umm, I forgot what I was going to say."
    "You're a shitty liar, Kleinman."
    "No I'm not, you're just good at reading people."
    "Let's clean up this popcorn."
    "Alright."  After picking up as many pieces as we could and throwing them back in the bowl, I finished the job by running the vacuum over the carpet.  When we sat down on the couch once again to finish watching the show, I couldn't shake the feeling that Jared had something important to tell me.  I wasn't going to nag him of course, then I'd come off as annoying.  If I needed to know something he'd tell me, right?
    "Jared?"
    "Yeah?"
    "You can stay here if things ever get out of control."
    "Thanks, Murphy but I've learned to deal with my problems on my own and I'd prefer to keep it that way.  I don't need to drag you into my shit, you're going through enough as it is."
    "Shut up, I didn't want you to get involved with my issues but look where that got us.  From day one I told Alana-- I told all of you, that I like to look for my sister on my own but you helped anyway.  Besides, I don't have a lot going for me to begin with, so nothing you do can possibly make my life any worse."
    "Eh, I'm sure I could but whatever.  You're a good person, Murphy.  Don't tell yourself otherwise because you are, it's just some people aren't lucky enough to see your good side."  For some reason my heart flipped at the compliment.  I felt my mouth get dry as I tried to respond and didn't realize until that very moment that I kinda-sorta-maybe liked Jared a little more than I should.
    "You're not too bad either." I managed to croak.  Because my mouth was dry, I literally had to force the words out of my mouth and because of that, they didn't sound as sincere as I had hoped.  Jared smirked and I hesitated before looking away.  Why were my cheeks so hot?
    "Con?" Jared started to laugh.  "Are you blushing?" Shit, I didn't think he noticed.
    "N-- no," I continued to hide my face as I spoke.
    "And you say I'm a bad liar."
    "Shut up!"
    "Damn, Con, no need to get all defensive."
    "I'm not defensive!" I finally turned to look at him again, hoping that my face was no longer red.  "Wanna sleep here tonight?  I'll lend you an old pair of pajamas."
    "Trying to change the subject, hmm?" Jared snickered.  "Sure I'll sleep over."
    "Cool." With that, we were silent for quite a while as we went back to watching the show.