Crystal Mist

Chapter 20: Lifetime

Chevelle POV

I prayed and prayed and prayed...

"Please save him. I'll do anything. I'll be anything." I begged and cried on the hallways while Von was inside that cold operating room.

Unfortunately, prayers don't always come true. They never happen.

I cursed at everything I could that day. I blamed everything and refused to believe that my Von... is gone.

"Akala ko ba magaling ang mga doctors dito, ha!? Ba't ganyan? Ba't di niyo kayang alisin yung sakit niya... Ba't di niyo siya kayang buhayin!" I screamed at the doctors while they were trying to explain.

I was clearly making a ruckus since the all the staff was just looking at me silently but I couldn't care less. This is Von we're talking about. My Von!

When I first saw his lifeless, cold, body... I was hysterical. I refused to believe it. Von promised me he'd never leave me, after all.

I cried for many days and months, not even knowing how much time passed. It felt like being with Von, those times I've spent together with him... they felt like nothing but a mere dream.

Tell me, Von. How am I supposed to live if you're not here with me? How can I live this life you saved for me if there's no one to share it with? Tell me!

"Ma'am... may pinasabi po pala si Sir bago kayo umalis papuntang ospital. Binilin niya po sa akin na kung mawala man siya, sabihan ko daw po kayo na tignan yung drawer malapit sa kama niya... May iniwan daw po siya doon para sa'yo." a maid told me a few days after I finally mustered up to courage to go to his house.

I looked at her and gave her a faint smile.

Pumunta ako sa bedroom at binuksan agad ang drawer na sinabi ng kasambahay.

I teared up immediately when I saw what it was. It was a small ring box next to a letter.

My hands were shaking as I got the letter and read it.

"Chevelle.

First of all, I'm sorry if you're reading this. It means that I couldn't keep my promise to you. I couldn't live beside you forever.

You may already know this, but, I still want to say it. I love you. You are the only person who brings color to my life. You are the one who made me realize that my life was worthwhile because I got to love someone like you.

Oh, you see the ring box right next to this letter? It's for you. It's our family heirloom ring. After my operation, I wanted to propose to you so you can have it. I really couldn't imagine anyone else worthy of keeping it...

I'm telling you to keep it but you don't have to wear it. I want you to live your life, Velle. I didn't want you to be married to me before I got the operation because I want you to live your life to the fullest and find someone who will give you happiness.

I promised to give you lots and lots of kids, right? I'm sorry I couldn't do that. In the end, I'm just some lying scumbag.

So please... live well and be happy. Don't be obligated to visit me all the time. Just you thinking of me once in a while will make me forever happy.

All the love,
Von"

I clenched the paper in my fist and cried more than I should have. How dare he talk that way! How dare he ask for those things!

Akala mo ba ganoon ka kadaling kalimutan, Von? You are my everything. You are my life. When I lost you, I lost myself as well.

I couldn't ever imagine loving another man other than you...

For the next few months, I had no choice but to accept his last will. All his properties and assets were given to me.

I never wanted to keep his money to myself so I decided to sell all of it then give the profit to the Lupus foundation, the orphanage we once visited and the resort in Baler that we stayed in... that way, I think Von would be more happy.

As for me... to temporarily forget about the pain and to train myself to be numb... I immigrated to Australia.

This was my original plan before meeting him, anyway. Ang ginamit kong funds ay ang sweldo ko noong personal nurse niya ako.

Now, even though he's not here with me, I'm trying my best living this life... living for him.

Isa akong nurse ngayon sa isang maliit na clinic sa Australia at nagtratrabaho ako para magbigay ng pera sa mga Lupus foundation.

Some people say that the way I live now is pathetic and too boring... but how else am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to live when my reason for living isn't here anymore?

The days I look forward the most is his birthday and the day we got together. On those days, I would take a 2-week trip back home and visit him.

"Von, kamusta kana? Okay ka lang ba 'dyan? Ang tagal mo nang di umuuwi... parang di mo ako nami-miss. Miss na miss na kita, Von.." I said to his lifeless grave one day.

Ever since you were gone, I was never like myself again. The feelings you made me feel, the love we've had for each other... I would never be able to find another person like you, Von.

I looked at my right wrist and smiled faintly at the tattoo there. It says "V.A.C", his initials. With the stylish tattoo and the ring he left for me, I feel like he's just always there... these were the reason why I was able to be sane.

They remind me that Von wasn't a dream at all. That once, I was happy. That maybe, I'll get through this life knowing that there was a time where I experienced a love so great that could make one happy for a lifetime....

I guess it's something to thank the heavens for. Even though they took him from me suddenly, they made me feel a lifetime worth of happiness and love during the short time I was with him.

Vondell Anthony Castanier, you are the only man I will ever love in this lifetime.