It hadn’t passed ten minutes after that call when Matt pulled over at the address Alex sent him. Alex jumped in the car swiftly, still crying hurtfully.
“I'm gonna kill him! I’m gonna kill him!” Matt shouted hitting the car steering wheels. Alex sat quietly on the passenger side, just breaking the silence with sobs. “What has he done to you?” Matt asked sounding harsher than he anticipated.
Alex in between laments just managed to say one thing. “H-he i-is him! Him!”
“What do you mean him? Alex you’re freaking me out here.” Matt was getting even more worried than before, he had never seen his friend so distressed and he couldn’t make sense of any of that.
“He is Mr. Kane!” Alex shouted, not able to control his own voice volume. He then inhaled deeply after the sentence left his mouth and resumed crying.
“What?” Matt eyes widened. “What do you mean he is Mr. Kane?” His voice was so high-pitched at the revelation. Did he even hear it right?
“It's him…it’s him…how could I’ve been so naive?” Alex buried his face in his hands. His lower eyelids hurt of all the weeping, his cheeks were sore, red and hot. His big eyes bloodshot.
“Alex, what did he do to you? Did he force himself on you?” Matt asked making a fist absentmindedly. He would kill the guy if he ever hurt Alex. “Where is he? I’m gonna kill him! I swear I’m gonna kill him!” Matt said fuming.
“No, no!" Alex answered promptly and determined. "He j-just j-just has been lying to me this whole time, that’s all. He’s done nothing against me will.” Alex turned to look at Matt refraining from crying. “You have no idea how many things he made me feel. I’ve never felt those things before. It was so…good.” Alex sobbed again immersed in the memories of Miles' kisses and touches. “God! This song is not helping at all!” Alex turned the volume of the car down, even thought the music was already very low in volume. That was Tears for Fears, one of the bands He and Mr. Kane shared in their list of favourites. The song kept going in the background of their conversation though.
And when I think of you and all the love that's due
I'll make a promise, I'll make a stand
Cause to these big brown eyes, this comes as no surprise
We've got the whole wide world in our hands
"He has these gorgeous brown eyes Matt…Naively I thought I loved all brown eyes, but no…I couldn’t be more wrong. Those were just the teasing trailers for his eyes…those were only the disappointing opening act for his spectacle. These piercing eyes that he has, I love them even more when on me." Alex said babbling what Matt thought were completely random things.
“Alex, that’s so…I don’t even know what to say…eh…do you think he took an advantage of you being his student.” Matt asked afraid of the answer.
“I don’t know, if he did…I let him, somehow. I don’t know what to think.” Alex said confused, still letting the tears flow freely.
“Do you like the guy? I mean…you used to call him your boyfriend after all…” Matt asked, driving to his house, split between paying attention to the road and paying attention to his best friend.
“How do I know what I’m feeling Matt? At the end I am just a boy who had never really dated anyone before…at least no one who mattered.” Alex answered promptly, underestimating his own capacity of telling when something felt real. Was it even possible to know the love of your life at eighteen? That before of any other relationships? That all seemed so surreal.
“So…he does matter then!?” Matt asked. He knew he was maybe trying to pry too much from the boy but he needed to know how he really felt.
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
"All I ever wanted and needed was in me arms! Thank you very much to remind me Depeche Mode." Alex muttered to himself. “Do you happen to have another CD in this car?” Alex asked Matt in between gasps.
“Oh Al, sorry, that CD was Breana that put together for me, it has only romantic songs. Check the glove compartment.” Matt said apologetic and sympathetic.
Alex rummaged through the CD’s, giving up quiet quickly. They shared the taste in music, it was impossible to find something that wouldn’t remind Alex of him.
“That's impossible, we love all of these bands, and the few ones here he doesn’t like I personally hate it.” He sobbed at the memories of their common interests. It was almost a relief when ambulance sirens on the other side of the road were so loud that he couldn’t even listen to his own thoughts anymore, let alone music. “He ruined music for me.” He sighed sadly. Everything, he could have ruined everything for Alex, but music? Music was way too much!
“Radio then. How about the shipping forecast? I know you love it!” Matt said cheerfully winking, appealing to Alex’s geeky side.
“Yes…please…it calms me down.” Alex agreed, already feeling a bit better relaxing on his seat.
They kept the journey in silence. There were just more five minutes anyway.
“Al, tell me everything.” Matt said while pulling over at his own house. The party had already started, still quite shy though, it was still around half past nine.
Matt and Alex left the car and went inside. They rushed through the people to Matt’s bedroom. Jamie and Nick followed right after.
“What's going on? Why Al is crying?” Nick asked concerned while eating a cupcake.
Alex let himself fell in the bed, face down. He carried on crying in the pillow, muffling the sound of his sobs.
“All right you guys, summat…eh…happened.” Matt warned the others.
“What? Is he hurt? Did someone die?” Jammie asked already freaking out.
“Nothing like that. Well…" He paused "He was dating a guy online, remember when he said he had a boyfriend?” Matt took a deep breath. “Don’t freak out…” He paused again. “The guy is Mr. Kane.”
“What??? I knew he had a thing for Alex! I knew it.” Nick said excited soon realising that he was vibing on a different vibe of the rest of the room. “I'm sorry. I didn’t think that was fundamentally bad. Sorry…”
“Alex doesn’t know what to think about it just yet. He’s hurt that Mr. Kane didn’t tell him the truth before.” Matt said and paused for a while. “I can’t help but thinking that that all makes sense now.” Matt said in realisation.
Only in this moment Alex finally lifted his head off of the pillow he had been crying on since they got in the room. “What do you mean?” He asked.
“I mean…it isn’t illegal to date someone who is seventeen if it’s consensual.” Matt stated as he was an expert on the subject.
Alex sad face somewhat changed for an angry one. “So why did he keep me in the dark until I was eighteen? And how the fuck do you know that?” Alex felt something was off.
“Because when you told me about your boyfriend, I was worried and I researched about it. Once I’ve seen that it was legal for him to be your boyfriend I was relieved. But Alex…” Matt said looking down.
“What?” Alex asked with big puppy eyes looking at Matt.
“It's completely different when he is your teacher, he is on a position of trust. He could’ve gone to jail if he ever touched you.” Alex squirmed in the bed. “Now, it’s no longer illegal though.” Matt concluded.
“So…we could be together now?” Alex asked not realising how excited he sounded. He is still puzzled but at the same time, the question just rolled from his tongue swiftly.
“Well, I said it is not illegal. It’s still highly unethical. He can lose his job and jeopardise his whole career over that.” Matt sighed and took a deep breath before revealing something that would most probably make Alex very mad. “Alex…when I first researched it I was convinced on reporting the guy, but when I saw the law says you were able to consent at seventeen I changed me mind.”
“And why are you telling me this now?” Alex shouted already getting enervated, predicting what was coming next.
“Because now I’m reporting Mr. Kane to the school.” Matt said nonchalantly, without any indication of hesitation.
“What the fuck Matt, nooooo!” Alex jumped Matt and pinned him down. “I’ll smother you with me own hands if you ever do anything to hurt my Miles. I swear! I swear I will! He is…” The boy hesitated. “He is…”
“He is what? Your boyfriend? Your lover? Your friend? Your what Alex?” Matt asked looking into Alex’s eyes, trapped under the boy.
A moment passed with the boys staring at each other, while Alex was thinking of an answer. Jamie and Nick just watched the scene flabbergasted. They had never thought Alex would protect anyone from Matt, let alone that Alex would choose anyone before Matt, his best friend.
“I don’t know what he is. He is just…my Miles.” Alex said timidly, uncertain yet breathing heavily, his features softening.
“Do you want to be with the guy then?” Matt asked, still pressed between Alex’s legs, not fighting though.
At the question Alex broke down in crying again, breaking all the boys’ hearts in the room. He let Matt go and went back to bed, digging his head in the pillow again.
“Al…if it’s not what you want, I won’t tell anyone. I promise. Nor Nick nor Jamie.” Matt said standing up. “Isn’t it right lads?”
“Yes Al, we won’t say a word.” They answered at the same time.
“Where's me phone, I need to text him.” Alex asked. “I miss him…so much.”
“I have your phone, you’re not texting him tonight Alex, you’re too unstable for that.” Matt said, and he did have a valid point.
“I've said horrible things to him…” The boy cried loud “And he told me he was in love with me.” His screams could easily be heard by everyone in that house, even with the music on. “He won’t ever forgive me.“
“He will come around Alex.” Nick said, always the more optimistic one.
“Give me my phone!” Alex shouted. “Give me my phone!” He shouted again, louder and louder and more frustrated.
“Someone bring Al some booze.” Jamie opened the door and screamed downstairs, always trying to sort everyone’s problems with alcohol.
“What did you say to him Alex?” Matt asked.
“That he was worse than the devil, that he was a creepy pervert.” Alex winced at his own memories. Nick cuddled him trying to comfort the boy.
“Oh…” Matt answered. The others stayed in silence.
“Please anyone say anything.” Alex begged, but the silence kept filling the small room. “He's never gonna forgive me, is he? Please! Tell me he’s gonna forgive me.”
“Absolutely!” Matt said. “Sure.” Jamie said, although it sounded sarcastic. “Of course.” Nick was the last one, who answered still cuddling him.
“Alex…eh…just in case…I think you should text him ASAP that you’re sorry. Just in case…no needs to worry…Here’s your phone.” Matt said giving Alex his phone.
Alex had no new messages. He just proceeded to open the app and send a message.
GoodBoy0601: I was confused and in the heat of the moment I said things I didn’t mean.
GoodBoy0601: I didn’t mean none of them. Believe me…I’m so so sorry. Please forgive me.
No answer.
“He hates me.” Alex cried out. His heart was in real pain.
“No Alex, he doesn’t hate you. All is gonna be fine.” Matt said reassuring Alex, although he thought that it was possible that Mr. Kane would never forgive him. He couldn’t tell Alex the truth though, otherwise he would break his already broken heart one more time.
Alexa shows up at the door with drinks in hands. “I think we should call this party off.”
“Yes, we can tell everyone that Alex isn’t feeling well. It won’t even be a lie” Jamie said with his ironic self showing.
“What do you think Al?” Matt asked bringing a hand to his friend’s shoulder.
“I think it is for the best. Yeah…I don’t want to see anyone, I just need you guys.” Alex said, holding on to Nick.
“I'm sending everyone home, we can always have a party for you afterwards. Does your mom know you are staying here tonight right?” Matt asked.
“She does.” Alex nodded.
“Great.” Matt showed his thumbs up and headed downstairs.
Everyone was asked to leave the party. Being a good friend of Alex, Alexa did go in the room just to give him a kiss and wished him happy birthday. The other guests just left without talking to Alex.
The three boys stayed the whole night awake, drinking and talking, trying to cheer Alex up, mostly unsuccessfully. Alex calmed down a bit with their companies, even spending the whole night in silence.
He didn’t get himself completely intoxicated, he drank just a few beers accompanied by food. The last thing he needed was to be drunk and miserable, limiting his state to just miserable.
It was already the middle of the night, when he finally spoke. "Matt…I know what Miles is." He smiled sadly. ”He is my everything."
***
The whole weekend was dreadful. Alex didn’t hear from Miles at all. No messages, no calls, no surprises at the door. Alex knew he was attached to him, but those few days were unnecessary proofs. Alex sent many, many other texts to Miles. Apologetic ones, Loving ones, Desperate ones. But he got nothing in return.
He spent his days writing and playing in his room, he would leave it just to visit the toilet, not even leaving the room to eat. He hadn’t been downstair in a while and his mum was worried, but he wouldn’t speak to her. She tried to pry something out of the boy about the mysterious sender of the red roses bouquet, the same one Alex grabbed as soon as he got home from Matt’s on Saturday morning and took to his own room. Alex couldn’t help but notice that the roses still look so alive, opposite to how withered he felt inside. They sat in the small table in front of the window, and they contrasted beautifully with the snow that started to fall on Sunday morning. The world looked beautiful, but it wasn’t the right world. It wasn’t Alex world without Miles in it.
He prayed for Monday to come sooner, just so he could go to school and have music with Mr. Kane. He prayed it wasn’t too late to reboot everything and start over again.
Monday eventually came.
Alex went to the toilet to do his morning routine, and took a glance at his neck, still purple like if it had been sucked just hours ago. A tear rolled from his eye to his cheek when he noticed that, without that mark, there wouldn’t be any evidence of Miles touching him at all in that silent dark room.
He left heading to his room, and wrote on his book.
I did request the mark you cast
Didn't heal as fast
I hear your voice in silences
Will the teasing of the fire be followed by the thud?
Matt picked Alex up and they both met Alexa at her house. They walked to school in silence, until Matt broke it. “Has he texted you?”
Alex shook his head.
“What’s exactly is going on?” Alexa asked concerned at Alex’s stern face.
“Sorry, I don’t wanna talk about it.” Alex answered shortly.
They got to school, Matt and Alexa headed to theirs classes and Alex stayed outside his classroom waiting for Miles. But the bell rang and Miles didn’t show up. He swore under his breath and got into the room to wait for him inside.
He would see Miles and talk to him. And convince him he was a fool. Maybe he should blame his age for the immaturity once the reasons for his behaviour start to be thrown in their discussion. The better thing was, Miles couldn’t ignore him at school, he was obliged to talk to Alex. He couldn’t run for the hills and leave Alex there, he would have to listen to him.
Five minutes had passed and Miles wasn’t there. That was disturbing, he was never late.
Five more minutes and nothing. The class was already noisy. Alex couldn’t hear a thing though, he was freaking out already. What if Miles quit because Alex told him he didn’t want to see or hear from him again? Alex wouldn’t be able to bear. Or worse, Matt went on with that nonsense and reported Miles. Alex would kill him!
He was already almost letting the tears fall when suddenly, Mr. Mitchel came in.
“Hello all, so we are having English instead of music today.” Mr Mitchel said, followed by a commotion of the students who would give anything to have music instead of English. But one of the students wasn’t just disappointed, he was falling apart.
“Mr. Mitchel, where’s Mr. Kane.” He asked doing his best to hold back the tears.
“I can’t tell much Alex, the principal asked me as a favour to cover for Mr. Kane, and I’m just doing it.” Mr. Mitchel sounded tired and bored of his teaching life, nonetheless he was there to help out and cover for Miles.
“You don’t understand, I need to know.” Alex said leaning closer to Mr. Mitchel. His voice was almost trembling but still he wasn’t stuttering at all in face of his urgency.
“Alex…” He whispered. “First calm down.” He looked into the eyes of the boy who was panting, with tears about to be splashed. Mr. Mitchel looked sideways to see if the other students were paying attention to them, which of course they weren’t, so he continued. “Mr. Kane. had been admitted to a hospital on Friday with a severe asthma attack.”
“What? How is he? I need to see him!” Alex said raising his voice more than he should, earning a stern look from his teacher.
“We don’t know much Alex, but I’m gonna tell all I know all right? I don’t want the rest of the class all worked up like you are. So sit next to me.” Mr. Mitchel said and Alex obeyed, sitting next to him. “So, he was having trouble breathing and he was found by the receptionist of a restaurant, who called an ambulance.” Alex could remember the ambulances. He felt the floor opening and sucking him down. It was all his fault, he left Miles there, alone, sad and in the cold…to die! How long must have taken for him to be found? How much had he suffered? “At first he was in the ICU, but now he is in a regular room, so he’s getting better. I know that it can be very scary, but he is having the best care possible Alex, and he will be released soon.” Mr. Mitchel said calmly.
“What hospital?” Alex inquired.
“I'm not sure I can tell that to you Alex.” Mr. Mitchel hesitated. If it was any other student the ‘no' would be way easier, but it was Alex, his favourite student.
“Please, just tell me. What bad can it do? Please.” The boy begged. His puppy eyes managed to broke the teacher.
“Sheffield Teaching Hospitals.” Mr. Mitchel said, almost immediately regretting it when he saw Alex slinging his bag over his shoulder and heading out. “Sir, I have to go, please forgive me.”
Alex ran out of the school, somewhat being able to dodge teachers and the administration without being seen. He got a bus to Sheffield city centre, and got to the hospital in half an hour. He couldn’t stop crying, his Miles was in a hospital and that was why he had never answered Alex. Alex was so stupid, he thought, how could he abandoned his love there alone. He couldn’t forgive himself. If he were to see Miles he would beg for his forgiveness and for him to punish him, although only the pain of this moment was already enough of a punishment.
He got to the hospital and went to the reception right the way.
“I'm here to see Mr. Miles Kane.” The boy almost shouted at the receptionist, trying to catch his breath.
“What’s your relationship to the patient sir?” The skinny lady with short hair and glasses answered him with a question. Niceness and politeness all through her sentence, what is not always present in hospitals, especially when people are shouting.
“I'm his boyfriend.” He said decided, not an inch of doubt in his statement. It’s the first time he said it out loud after knowing his boyfriend was actually Miles, even though he wasn’t sure if that fight was them breaking up. He knew it probably was, but he wasn’t going to give up on Miles just yet, not this soon anyway. Apparently his foolishness did have limits.
“Sir, I’m sorry, but unless you were married or a family member I can’t let you in.” She said apologetic cocking her head to one side. She felt genuinely sorry for him.
“Please! Please!” He looks at the receptionist with so much pain and tears in his eyes, that she was convinced to bend some rules, but just a tiny bit.
“Dear, we can slid a note to the lady who is his companion in the room, if that helps.” She said leaning closer to Alex and whispering.
“Yes, please! Who’s with him?” Alex asked but thought most certainly it was Miles' mum.
“The only thing I can tell you is that she was his emergency contact.” She smiled while denying information. An old trick to get the sympathy of patients and family of the patients.
“Okay, I’m gonna write a note then. Thank you so much. Thank you! Thank you!” He finally stopped crying and breathed for a moment, grabbing a notebook from his bag and writing a note. He quickly gave it to her before she could change her mind on doing this.
He tried to leave the hospital but instead, he needed more three hours to build the courage to do so. When he finally left, he did it heartbroken though.
The note found its way to Miles bedroom, and to the lady who was accompanying him. The beautiful brunet with long straight hair, fashioned in a rather 60’s style, with these beautiful almond eyes, finally got that piece of paper in her hands. She opened it and read:
My Miles,
I am immensely sorry for everything I’ve said and done to you that night. I was immature and ludicrous, I know I certainly do not deserve you at all after that. I also know my love, that I am not worthy of your forgiveness or your time for that matter but all of that doesn’t deter me from trying.
That day I told you that my conscious self didn’t know it was you and it was the truth, but my heart certainly did know. My heart wanted it to be you all along and loved you despite the despicable things my idiot mouth proffered.
Nothing makes sense anymore now that I’m limited to just think of you while not being able to see you, to touch you, to comfort you and to love you like you should be loved. I can’t help but to feel helpless and shattered without your smile, without the sound of your laugh and without the heat of your body next to mine. It's like the world is just this big empty space where I just don’t fit when there is no you.
At least my sweet love, I’ve heard that you are getting better and that’s all that matters for now, that you are getting healthier. Since you’ve told me I should decide on the future I want for us, if I still have that power, you will need to feel well so we can be together forever.
Take your time getting better though, I will be waiting. I will be here for you for as long as it takes, but let’s hope that you make it brief. And whenever you are finally out of this cold white building, if you let me, I’ll just lean on your chest and synchronise our breathings, even if you struggle love, I don’t mind losing any of my breaths for you.
I promise I won't ever leave you again if you decide on taking me back. I beg of you, please do.
I miss you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Eternally Yours,
Alex
She crumpled the paper into a ball and threw away in the bin in the room, nonchalantly.
“What was…that…about?” Miles said pausing and wheezing.
“Just an useless form love, don’t worry…Try not to speak all right? You always start coughing when you do it.” The lady said showing Miles a smile.
“Can I…see…me phone…again?” Miles asked the lady.
“Sure honey, here it is.” She handed over Miles phone to him.
Miles grabbed his phone only to see that, one more time, he hadn’t got any messages from Alex.
A tear rolled his face and once again, just like the lady anticipated, he had another fit of coughing.
-----
New chapter from S-D-M-S
She was kind enough to write this chapter for u guys a long time ago but I just had a lot on my plate these last months because kf my a levels which I did not fail! My grades are not that good but at least I have it.
I'm trying to spare some time writing
I hope u like this chapter! I couldn't write it better myself
