Trust- (s.m)

24

I sat by the window of the cafe while drinking a cup of coffee. My mind has been all over the place recently and it's terrible.

I feel like I've been in a dark place in my head space and I keep pushing Shawn away when I want to be close to him. He's amazing as always and is always giving me all the love I need but I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've been to see a therapist who's told me that being like this is normal. Feeling like this is completely normal and it will take time for me to build myself up again slowly.

But I just don't know how.

Shawn and I both went to see the therapist but I've been going to a few sessions on my own.

The session I went to this morning I told my therapist the problems I've been having recently. And how I've been feeling mentally.

She told me I might need space. Which I think might be the best for Shawn and I if we spent a few days apart.

So I can get myself together and be happy again. I don't want Shawn to see me like this and worry him too much because he's just started work again.

I hate anyone seeing me like this especially Shawn, Zack and Tyler.

Tyler moved to New York after his recovery and started college. He visited me as much as he found but he was happier and enjoying his time at college, even though he started late.

My mom and Carlos still live in Ohio but not in our old family home, I barely spoke to my mom to Carlos. I couldn't speak to them at all and I definitely didn't want to see them either.

I finished my coffee and made my way back home because Shawn was finishing work soon.

I liked walking recently it helped clear my mind when I doing too much thinking. Which was all the time.

After a ten minute walk I made it back to my apartment. Shawn basically lived here and we stayed at his apartment like once or twice but he mainly stayed here with me.

I opened the door and walked inside Shawn was at in the kitchen eating some left over lunch.

"Hey baby" he smiled and I smiled once I saw him.

My mood was always better after seeing Shawn.

"Hi" I whispered as I went to hug him and he hugged me tightly. His body warmth made me relax and feel safe.

"How was work?" I asked.

"Busy, very busy. I'm extremely tired I'm going to need a nap and maybe a massage" he chuckles.

"Where have you been?" He asks.

"I went to the cafe for some coffee" I say and he nodded.

"Did you go to that therapy appointment or not?" He asks and I nodded.

"Oh how did it go?" He asks as he drank some water and pulled me back into him.

"It went good and I felt a bit better but I need to tell you something" I say and he looked up at me in worry.

I need to do this, to help us.