A Twist Of Fate

Chapter 18

Angelica was asleep by the time we got home so Regina carried her right upstairs got her changed and into her crib. We decided that we would change into something more comfortable then we went downstairs to watch some tv. Halfway through an episode of "Dexter" Regina asks me. "Emma would it have been a big deal if your parents and our friends found out that we are more than just friends now?"  "No of course not Regina. I just didn't want to stand there and answer questions on a subject that we haven't even talked about yet".  "What do you mean Emma? We already talked about us starting to date".  "Yes. We talked about that, but not about how we would tell everyone. Besides that, things are somewhat complicated to explain to people. We've basically been living together while you've been here helping us. They aren't going to understand how we came to this decision or that we are taking things slow. Is that something we even need to explain to people? Because frankly it's no ones damn business".  I say the last part of that with some bitterness in my voice. She takes hold of my hand. "I'm sorry if I upset you".  "No it's not you. It's me. I feel like I'm always being judged now. Whenever I go anywhere I still get a sad face from people. I feel like they are saying 'There goes the girl that killed her wife by getting her pregnant'. I fucking hate it and I know it's all in my head".   "Sweetheart no one is thinking that".  "Why wouldn't they Regina? I was always the strange girl anyway. No wonder why everyone was against me and Zelena. My parents my have said that they accepted everything but one night I over heard them talking. Right after we got married Zelena and I came for a weekend visit and stayed with my parents. I got up to use the bathroom and I actually heard my mom say she didn't think this thing with Zelena and I was a good idea   Well she was right. Zelena is gone now and it's all my fault".  I start to cry and Regina wraps her arms around me. "Oh god Emma that's not true. Zelena loved you with everything she had. It was just a terrible accident that took her away from us".  I nod. "Yup. Your right. Me. I'm that terrible accident".  "Emma Swan. I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again". I stand up and start to walk away. "The truth always hurts Regina. I'm going to bed now. We can talk more in the morning". I go upstairs and check in on my daughter. She's so beautiful. She looks more and more like Zelena every day. Bright red hair and big blue eyes. Zelena would definitely love this little clone of herself. I leave her room and walk into mine and there is Regina sitting on the bed. "That conversation is not over Emma".  "Regina just drop it please. I'm tired and I want to go to bed".  "No I can't drop it. This shit running through your head makes me wonder what kind of relationship you think we would have".  I chuckle a bit. "After everything that spilled from my mouth tonight you still want a relationship with me?"   "Of course Emma. I love you. I always have".   "Why. I'm toxic. I killed your sister. I probably shouldn't even have custody of Angelica".  "Damn it Emma. Where is all this coming from?  You didn't kill Zelena. A medical condition killed her. Thousands of women die each year in childbirth. That wasn't your fault. And as far as Angie is concerned I have never seen a more devoted mother to their child than you. Everything you do is for her. Open your damn eyes Emma". She shouts at me. "I'm sorry Regina this is just really hard for me. I still have guilt. I still sometimes hate myself and that didn't just come from Zelena's death, it came from the way I grew up".  I walk into the bathroom and Regina follows me. I closed the door but she opened it and walked in. I needed to pee so I just did it. She's seen it before and if she walked in, well that's on her. I pee and she brushes her teeth. I finish what I'm doing and go wash my hands then brush my teeth. We both go get in bed and instead of laying down like I was, Regina just sat up against the headboard and very calmly she asks. "Emma are you still talking to Dr. Hopper?"   "Not as much as I should".  "Perhaps we should see him together. Would that be ok with you?"   I nod and Regina slides down the bed. She leans in to kiss me. "Emma I really do love you. Please don't think all those bad things about yourself my love. Because they aren't true. You are beautiful Emma in every way. You've always had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known".  I lean up to kiss her. "I love you Regina and I am sorry. I'll call Archie in the morning ok?"  She nods and gives me a kiss. She leans over to shut off the light on the nightstand then we both snuggle into each other. The next morning I did as I said I would. I called Archie and he came to the house to talk to us that afternoon. We told him everything Regina and I talked and about last night. Angie was down for her nap so the 3 of us were able to talk without distraction. "Emma do you really feel responsible for Zelena's death?"  I was asked by Dr. Hopper. "I guess in a way I do. I feel like if I hadn't gotten her pregnant she would be ok right now". "Emma you can't know that for sure. Anything could have caused her death at anytime. It's a scary thing to think about. No one is immortal. We just have to live our lives like there is no tomorrow because you know better than most that tomorrow is not guaranteed".  I nod because I know what he's saying is the truth. "So how about we move a little forward. May I ask how your relationship with Regina is?"  I look at her and give her a small smile. "For the most part I think it's good. We haven't really done anything yet. Wait. I don't mean done as in "Done" anything. It's just we really haven't gone on like a real date yet, but we talk a lot and it's kinda hard not to spend time together when she's been living here taking care of everything".  "Ok. And Regina how do you feel about this relationship?"   "I think it's been going great. Like Emma said we spend a lot of time together and we don't really argue. Well except for last night".   "Ok and Emma how do you feel about last night?"  "Terrible, because some times I think that talking about how I'm feeling about certain things is like a double edged sword. I mean here I am saying it's all my fault that Zelena is gone and I'm saying that to my girlfriend and I can't help but wonder what she's thinking and feeling about everything I just said. Like did I hurt her feelings because we are together now and I'm saying this. It's always in my head".  "Emma you are not hurting my feelings. I appreciate you being honest with me about all your feelings. I miss Zelena too. Every day. But there is nothing either one of us can do about it. It's ok to talk about her. We need to keep her memory alive for Angelica".  "Everything Regina said is true Emma. It's ok to still miss her but it's not ok to stop moving on from that".  "I know Doc. I just get caught up in my own thoughts sometimes and that's not usually a good thing".  "Emma do you ever have anxiety or maybe panic attacks?"  "Anxiety maybe, but I don't think so on the panic attacks".  "I'm asking because I think this all comes out every so often because of anxiety. You had an incredible loss and your trying so hard to move forward but every now and then something holds you back. I was wondering how you would feel about taking some medication to help with anxiety triggers?"  "I'm not the kind of person that likes to feel all doped up".  "That's not how this would be. It's just a low dose anti-anxiety medicine that could help you react better to certain situations and issues".   I look at Regina.  "There is no harm in trying it Emma. If it helps you it's worth it".  Regina says as she takes my hand. "Ok Archie. I'll give it a shot".  "That's great Emma. I'll call the pharmacy and have them fill a prescription for you. Oh and I have one more suggestion that could help this process along. Go on a date. Pick a day. Get a babysitter and go out together for a little while".  Regina and I look at each other and smile.