'I know you have read these messages. I know that you'll be lying in your bed and I know that you are on the verge of cutting yourself. Do it. Become a depressive again.'
I read the message and want to scream. How the hell does this person know this about me?!
Anyway I try to forget about it and get back into bed when I hear Jake coming up the stairs. I pretend to be asleep. He quietly walks in the room and turns his phone on to light the way as the lights are off. I hear him getting undressed and then as he gets into bed, "Tommy?", he whispers and stays still for a second, "night night darling" he whispers in my ear and settles down.
I'm wide awake but he has no trouble sleeping. My phone buzzes on the table next to us. And again. And again. And again. And then Jake flinches. There it goes again. And another six times. When Jake finally wakes up. "Tommy will you answer your fucking phone?!" He croaks. I'm lying straight on my back looking up with my eyes wide open and I don't answer.
"Tommy?!"
"No, I can't" I say turning back on my side and hearing my phone vibrate like crazy.
"Fine I will!" Jake says as he reaches over to grab my phone but I catch his arm just in time.
"What are you doing?!" He almost shouts.
"Look, I'll do it" I say and reach over to my phone. I turn it off and lie back down but I can still feel Jakes face hanging over me.
"What?" I ask
"Aren't you going to answer it, its probably very important," he explains.
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I know who they are from"
Jake hesitates and finally asks "who, who are the messages from?"
"I don't know."
"Oh for gods sake Tommy, I'm going back to sleep."
I lie there feeling like shit. Why can't I tell him? ... Because I don't trust him. Or, I don't trust myself. Either way they are both petty. But how can I tell him? When its so personal that I don't even want to know it myself.
Morning comes and I haven't got any sleep, but Jake is lying next to me completely knocked out. He's so beautifulIts 10:45 and dad is playing his pink Floyd album once again.
I turn my phone on with my shaking hand. '47 unread messages'. I hear Jake yawn and feel his eyes almost burning a hole in the side of my head.
"Morning" I say boringly.
"...alright?" He sighs and sits up letting me get a glimpse of his torso. I look at him, sit up and hold his head and kiss him.
"Yeah I'm fine." I say as I leave his lips.
He nods in a confused way and I giggle.
Jake laughs and lies back down, "was I just dreaming your phone having a fit last night?"
I could lie and tell him that he was dreaming but I don't. I have to be truthful to him but all I can get out is "no. It happened."
"Oh right, well I thought, maybe I could go home to Nottingham tomorrow? What do you think?" Jake asks casually.
I stare at him, confused at what to say.
"Wha...", I laugh, "someone wants me dead" I say. And at that moment I burst into tears.
"What?! Tommy? What?", He squeezes me and kisses me head, "Tommy what the hell? What is going on."
I pass him my phone and tell him everything. "When did this start?"
"Yesterday... I wanted to tell you but you were home sick and I didn't want to make things worse." I look down at the bed quilt that is wet from my tears.
"I'm... I'm going to kill them you know." Jake says cynically. His hand is shaking violently, "I'm going to kill them,". I can tell that the messages have made him feel sick just like they made me. But I just take the phone of him. "I'm calling the police." He says to me.
"NO JAKE DON'T! PLEASE DON'T" I shout at him.
"NO TOMMY, READING THESE TEXTS MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND THEY AREN'T EVEN AIMED AT ME! AND THE WORST THING IS THEY ARE LYING!" Jake shouts back at me.
"But, Jake, they are true. I was 14 and 3 days when it happened." I say.
He holds me in his gaze. His broken and confused gaze that shows betrayal. That shows lies.
"Oh. well. Our generation dies have sex quite young I suppose." I says turning his head from me, not wanting to show the hatred in his eyes.
I stay silent.
"I thought you were different though. But obviously you have just been using me..." He says.
"Don't you ever freaking tell me that I gave been using you. You have no idea." I cry at his ignorance.
"Tommy! Your a slut! And I didn't think you were!" He says coldly.
"I WAS RAPED YOU DICK HEAD!"
The atmosphere is shot dead and we sit there I'm silence.
"When I moved to Liverpool I had no friends and it wasn't a good area of the place. I got into the wrong crowd and started going out with a 18 year old. I didn't want to but he would hurt me if I didn't do what I said. It was two months after I moved there when he... You know. I had no say in it. And.. Ever since I have felt so insecure about it." I say rushing the words out. "I'm impure" I laugh, quoting one of the texts.
Jake just looks at me once again but more kindly this time. "Come here." He whispered. And move up next to him. He raps his arms around me and strokes my hair.
"I'm sorry." "It will be okay" he tells me. Even though I'm in his loving embrace, I have never been so on edge. So scared. So terrified that he will judge me and every one will know. And what makes if worse is Dad playing Hey You. By Pink Floyd downstairs.
