philophobia | namsoo

xv - the end

I watched them and for the first time, I realized that my fear stole Jisoo from me. It wasn't Jennie's fault that she wasn't dating Yoongi. Jennie just didn't love him, while he did. But he forgot her and moved on.

I fell in love. I tried to avoid my feelings and this is how Jisoo moved on. Now I have a best friend, to whom I can't really share my feelings, because she already has a very loving boy. Destroying the relationship would only make me feel worse than now.

If only Jennie and Yoongi could have been together. But at the same time, I couldn't have went to Jennie and ask her to be with Yoongi.

Anyway that I find to get Jisoo, there is a broken heart. If only could I have felt jelousy when Jisoo and Yoongi got closer. Then maybe I could have had the courage to ask her out. Or to say that I loved her.

Jelousy might have been the special ingredient, that made the recipe work. Sincerity and courage were important ingredients too, but they weren't available. Not for me. Not in the right moment.

Right now, I wish they were. I wish I could go to Jisoo and tell her that I love her, ask her to break up with Yoongi for me, but that would make me a traitor.

The days in which I could have had Jisoo are long gone and when I see them together, so happy, a piece of my heart falls.

I was scared of loving, of Jisoo, and this is where it got me. I was scared of giving Jisoo my heart, when she already had it. And she still has it.

In the first day I had met her, she was the sunshine and I was the rain. Rarely together. We had nothing in common, or so I thought, until we started to talk.

The rooftop, her special place, became my special place too, where I shared my feelings, fears, wishes with Jisoo.

I try my best to make myself think it's better than nothing, but sometimes, when the sun starts diving into the horizont and Jisoo is next to me, it becomes painful. Much more painful than ever.

I might never tell her how I feel, how only her presence lights up the mood. I never thought I could be atracted by her light, but she proved me wrong.

I was like a mosquito attracted to the powerful light emanated.

It only created pain.