philophobia | namsoo

v

We stood on a rooftop in silence, sipping from our coffee, taking small bits from cookies and puffing smoke.

The silence didn't disturb me, since I had time to try and recover my memory from last night. But I couldn't remember a bit of what happened the last night and I started growing more and more worried. Did I say anything embarassig to her or to all of them?

"Are you alright?" Jisoo asked me. I didn't reply. Was I? I was so scared. What could I have said?

She touched my shoulder and that made me take distance from her. My heart skipped a beat and I got more worried and scared. It was like her hand was made out of fire.

Thankfully, she remained there, just looking at me, confused.

"Joon..."

"Yeah, sorry. You just took me by surprise." I talked pretty fast and that made me think of the song I wrote.

"You didn't say or do anything embarassing. Not from what I recall."

She lied down and watched the clouds, thinking at satan knows what.

"Yah! Do you read minds?" I got a little closer to her.

"I think... I know you pretty well. At least your first face." She chuckled.

"You are so scary..."

"I am scary..." Jisoo smiled.

I sighed and lied down next to her, on the cold ground. "Don't you think we will catch a cold?"

"Next time you can bring blankets..."

"I wonder how it is at night time. Scary?"

"Not scarier than me. But, to be honest, it is pretty peacefuly. You can come with me if you wish. I'll tell you when I'm in the mood of sitting on rooftops."

"Sounds great."

"But you have to bribe me with coffee."

"Oh... I guess it's a very fair price...?"

"Yes, it is. You get to spend time with me."

"Yeah, yeah, just as you say." I laughed.

"Actually, last night..." She made a pause, making the moment more dramatic. "You invited me on the rooftop."

"Oh gosh..." I rolled on my left side, with my back at her, trying not to look embarassed.

"Oh, come on. What's bad in that? We can be rooftop buddies."

She was closer to my ear. I took distance, but she was closer. "Y-yeah, we can be rooftop buddies."

Just buddies. Just buddies.

I repeated the words I said in my mind, like I tried to convince myself of the truth. And it was the truth. We couls have never been more than buddies.

But the fact that she was so close to me, made me sweat. I felt like I was going to suffocate right there. Closing my eyes, I focused on my breathing and isolated myself from any other noise.

When I turned around and faced her, she fell asleep. I looked at her, confused. How could she fall asleep on this thing?

"Soo?" I asked and hoped she wasn't aleeping. "So you fell asleep."

"Almost..." Jisoo mumbled. She got up and then got in an indian position, with her legs somehow crossed. The position was weird and I couldn't have done it even if my life was in danger.

"We should go." I said as I checked my clock and realized, that two hours passed by. Time flew so fast in those two hours spent on the rooftop

"Oh, yeah. You are right."

"You don't have to pick your sister up?"

"Oh, definitely not. I had a fight with my mom after we parted ways that day."

"Am I allowed to ask why?"

"I guess yes." She said and looked at me for a few seconds, before continuing. "Alright. Just so you understand, when I started high school, I had a serious fight with my mom and went to the girls. I knew Jennie very well at that point. I had met Chae just a year before that and only have heard of Lalisa. I didn't call my mom to tell her where I was so the next day, when I went back home, my dad was so angry, that almost beat me."

I never knew her life at home was as hard as that. I knew she wasn't getting along well with her parents. I thought she moved with the girls just because she was dramatic and made a big deal out of the situation. This is how adolescents are sometimes.

"I visit them rarely. I rarely visit them when there's no holiday. When I took my sister home, mom wanted me to stay for dinner, since she invited my grandma and grandpa. I had a mild argument with them because I lived with people they didn't know well, but that was it. My mom dared to slap me because I dared to have an argument with grandma and grandpa. Huh. So, instead of saying that I'm sorry, I yelled at her. Dad got me out of the house. I sweared not to visit them anymore."

Jisoo smiled, but she still looked sad. I prayed for the first time in years to god, not to see Jisoo cry. She never cried. If she cried, it meant she was very sad.

"But it doesn't matter. I mean, I won't visit them anymore. It could have been worse than this, way worse."

"Yes... But I'm still feeling bad for you. My dad beat the hell out of my mom when I was a child."

Any trace of sadness disappeared from her face. It was replaced with confusion and disappointment. That's how I thought she felt.

Don't worry, Jisoo. I am also disappointed. In the human race.

Jisoo looked more tense than I ever saw her before. She placed her hand on my back with hesitation, like I was going to slap her for that.

"I told you, no need to feel sorry for me." I said and didn't dare to take distance from her.

Oh god, and I thought she would burst in tears. "But that can't stop me. Now I can say that I am a happy case." She smiled.

"If we take them separately, both are no happy cases."

"But one next to each other, there is a big difference. Can I ask you a question, regarding... um..." She removed her hand and looked at me, not knowing how to express herself.

"Sure." I made it easier, or at least I tried.

"Have you talked with your father since then?"

"Yes."

She was left with no word to say. Or no word that she considered appropriate to say.

N/A: at first, i wanted to make this book very short. Only fifthteen chapters, but now, that i am getting closer and closer to the ending, i wonder if i shouldn't make it a little longer. Tell me what you think and i will keep in mind your opinion.