That smile he shows just for me

Chapter four

I walk into school on Friday, an hour late. I wasn't going to come but then I thought of Lukas. Maybe we'd talk again. Or maybe he'd catch my eye in the hall and smile at me.
But all I see is mike. He seems to be extra harsh lately.
Shoving and name calling as usual. But he's been cornering me, telling me things that I already know. Like right now, as I'm pushed against the locker, he whispers in my ear.
"Do you think anyone would like someone like you?"
I shake my head no.
"You aren't attractive. I mean look at your hair. And your clothes. Cheap ass."
I close my eyes.
And then he's gone.
I look at the clock. 10:45. Second period, which I am late for.
Instead I go to the bathroom. Looking my self in the mirror, I try to see something good. But when you know you aren't, all you see is ugly. My messy brown hair. Baggy t's and ripped jeans.
I want to think that I am attractive. I want Lukas to be attracted to me.
But how could he? When I look like this and he looks like that.
I look at my brown eyes. Boring. Dark. And a tear slowly rolls down my cheek.
Crying is for the weak.
I am weak.
Then the bathroom door opens. I quickly wipe my face and sniffle, turning on the water and pretending to wash my hands.
"I thought I saw you come in here." Lukas.
I nod my head, turning off the water and drying my hands.
"Are you ok?"
I look up at him. "Why wouldn't I be?"
He doesn't have his usual smile. His eyebrows are knit together, a slight frown plays at his lips.
He steps closer to me. So close, actually, that our noses almost touch. Then he lifts his hand and wipes my cheek.
"Why are you crying?"
I don't say anything. And he knows I won't. He he lays his hand on my cheek and puts his forehead on mine.
"I'm starting to feel a way about you that I shouldn't." He whispers.
My eyes are closed. His hand pulls away. And the door closes once more.
I open my eyes to see the empty bathroom.
He feels something for me.
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Opening the door of my one story home, I'm alone. Justin is at practice till five and I don't know where mom is.
So I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. My jaw could be thinner. Cheekbones more prominent maybe? I pull the collar of my shirt down. My collar bone could be thinner.
Looking down at my arms. My arms are too big. And my legs.
I go to my room and take off my shirt and pants. Putting my hand on my stomach, I think that it should be skinny.
My entire body should be skinny.
I'm not thin enough. Justin is strong and muscular. I'm short and weak. Lukas is so handsome and tough.
Why do I look like this?
The door opens, my brother just coming home from practice. He walks into our room and looks at me.
"What are you doing?"
"Evaluating myself."
"What are you worried about? You're like a girl: tiny and thin."
I don't see that. And I don't want to look like a girl.
I look at him and get dressed.
And as the night goes on, I go to bed empty stomach.