That smile he shows just for me

Chapter sixteen

I scoot to the inside part of my bed, back against the wall, and Lukas climbs in beside me.
I don't know if I want to push him as far away as I can or never let him go.
He carefully lays beside me on top of the covers, respecting my space.
We are facing each other. My head the only thing showing.
He rests his head on top of his hands on the pillow.
And we just lay there. A space between us.
I close my eyes again.
And he inches closer. I open my eyes and he carefully sets his hand on my head. He waits to see if I'll snap at him or not, then starts playing with my hair. Petting me.
I scoot closer so that our faces are right next to each other.
And I drift off.
I really needed someone.
-
Life is strange. Horrible things happen all the time. There's so much violence in the world.
I don't know if everyone is born good and life events lead up to you being a bad person or if you're born evil.
I want to believe that everyone has a good side.
But life really sucks right now.
Lukas left around four. He told me that I should come to school tomorrow. That he'd look out for me.
I wonder if he knows something else is up as well.
Justin came home pissed off. He broke up with his girlfriend and football practice is running him into the dirt.
I am still laying in bed.
Sleep is not an option anymore.
I get up and grab clean clothes. I scrub my body in the shower until my skin feels like it's about to fall off at the slightest of touch.
I stand naked, looking in the mirror. Bruises wrap my arms like a bracelet and hickeys placed on my collar bones. My hips have hand shaped marks, which has a slight bruise.
Basically I look wrecked.
My eyes burn with tears but I won't let them out.
Instead I put on a hoodie and sweats and head into the living room.
My brother is sitting on the couch and I sit beside him, a good distance between us.
It's been weird with us lately. I think he hates me.
I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them.
We sit in silence for a while. Uncomfortable silence.
And then I ask, "Do you hate me?"
He looks at me. "What? Why would I hate you?"
I just shrug.
He studies me. Looks me over with his eyebrows scrunched together in a worried look.
"I don't know what's going on. But you're my brother. You can talk to me."
I shake my head no. "Did you really think I was letting whoever fuck me at school?"
He sighs, picking his words carefully. "I don't know. I don't want you to be doing that stuff."
"I'm not."
"Ok."
Silence. "I just wished you'd asked me if I wanted Mike to basically grope me in the hallways instead of assuming I sleep with anyone who wants to."
His stare never left me. "What's going on Gray?"
"I don't know."
He scoots closer to me. "I know I'm shit at being a big brother. And I'm always so hard on you and I don't know why. But please Gray. You have to tell me what's going on in that head of yours."
"You're not a bad brother."
He chuckles.
I look at him and think for a moment. "I'm sorry I'm such an aweful brother."
"No you're not."
I nod, not believing him.
I need everything to be ok. I want to stop feeling like this.