lost; ethma

twelve

song:
already gone- sleeping at last

emma

1 week later

it's been one week. one week since grayson took my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it until it broke into a million pieces.

it may not be the most tragic breakup. it may seem like i'm being dramatic. it may seem like a lot of things, but i know one thing: that man was my everything.

and now he's gone.

six years. six years we were together and happy, aside from a break we took once. i gave him my all.

grayson was my first love, my first time, my entire life.

but i cant think about it.

that's what amanda and olivia are saying at least.

it's better to keep him off your mind,

you're only going to be more sad if you reminisce.

but i cant do anything but think. all i've done for the past week is wake up, go to class, come home, and get in the bed. i haven't spoken to anyone outside of the walls of my own apartment.

and my birthday is tomorrow.

i've barely even acknowledged it, i hate birthdays anyway. but i didn't hate them when i was with grayson. he would shower me in gifts and take me out to a fancy restaurant every year.

but that just isn't who i am. so, i'm back to hating birthdays apparently. not really by choice.

grayson has made no effort to call, come see me, or even check in with my friends.

he really wanted a clean break, didn't he?

my intrusive thoughts about grayson's hatred for me are interrupted by amanda coming in my room with hot tea.

"this is supposed to be calming or some shit," she says, handing the mug to me.

"thanks."

"olivia and i were planning on doing a 5:30 soulcycle class, you in?" she asks.

that's exactly why she came in here. to get me out of bed. i don't care and i don't want to go.

"do i have to go?" i ask.

"you always say how working out helps your stress levels, so yes," amanda says.

"i'm not stressed, i'm broken. soulcycle doesn't fix broken."

she sighs. "then i guess you don't have to go."

eventually amanda leaves me the hell alone. i'm completely fine with not ever going anywhere again, but they won't accept that.

i guess the reason i'm so hurt is because he just ended things without much of an explanation. all of that trust and love built up over the past six years for nothing.