lost; ethma

twenty-one

song:
we fell in love in october- girl in red

love.

love is a crazy thing. i think we all know that. you experience love in all different ways. it starts out with your family, the people you are supposed to love. the people you love no matter what, no matter how much they screw up your life. once you get older, you begin to love your friends. it's only the truest of friends that you love within your soul. the ones that never leave you. even if you drift apart, you know you can always count on them. to me, that's one of the strongest forms of love. you can be yourself at all times, and not worry of any judgement. then there's "love love." the crazy, world spinning, mind blowing epiphany of real love. you're lucky if you get to experience it early. and to me, there's always that one person that is the love of your life. though it may not work out, that person is for you. forever. it's up to you if you want to screw it up or not.

ethan

one week later

my entire life has been a schedule. the exact same routine, morning after morning.

wake up, get coffee with olivia, workout, come home, take a nap, lunch with olivia, clean, watch whatever netflix show is trending.

olivia is the only reason i'm not depressed. it seems strange, but that girl is like my lifeline. we see eachother everyday and it's always so fun with her.

she's my best friend, and i don't know what i would do without her.

i've never wanted to do anything romantic with olivia either. our friendship has been strictly that, plus... i'm interested in someone else.

someone else who would never return the favor, that is.

i haven't let emma and i's one night stand stick with me much. i know it meant nothing to her, and that's okay with me. it just meant something to me, and i can't let that side of me take control.

she's just trying to get over grayson, i tell myself.

you mean nothing to her.

olivia helps me with it. though sometimes, she's convincing that emma might have feelings for me too. i know it couldn't be possible, but olivia tells me some hints that would lead to emma being interested in me.

she says that emma doesn't gush about me, but everytime we interact she seems a bit 'shaken' afterwards. like something had affected her. olivia also said she knew immediately that we had slept together because of the look in emmas eyes.

i was shocked. i didn't think it would affect her at all, other than treating it as something to forget.

i'm just so forgettable. why would she remember me?

i sit at my kitchen counter, one that is cluttered with my things i use on the daily.

i'm not a neat person, never have been. i don't keep my things organized and it used to bother grayson to no end.

this leads me to assume that emma is probably similar to grayson in that aspect, being clean and organized.

my mind wanders to her.

i think about how she never leaves my mind. throughout my day, i always seem to relate everything to emma.

i pass a nearby clothing store. oh, emma would look great in that.

i wash my dishes. there's so much work to do. if only she was here to help, i know she would get things done.

i lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. i need that familiar body laying beside me.

it's like she's a ghost and she's haunting me.

or maybe i'm just going insane without her.

—

emma

the ceiling in my bedroom never gets boring.

it may seem like it's a bland and colorless wall with a fan, but it holds so much more. i look up at it and see myself.

i'm looking in the mirror, sitting on the ground. makeup is smeared all over my face and i look like i've been crying.

suddenly, i get a flashback to that night. it's something that i disregarded, probably because i was drunk.

over two months ago (before the breakup)

i wipe my cheeks as i hear my bedroom door open. i know it isn't grayson. that news is just too good to be true.

i look up, and my drunken eyes see a different form of grayson. this grayson has been through a lot, years of pain worn on his face.

i begin to realize that this is how i tell them apart.

grayson is fragile, neat and put together.

ethan is broken, damaged and scarred.

from what? i don't know. but it's just so obvious.

"why so sad and alone?" his husky voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

the word 'alone' triggers my emotions for some reason. i realize that i will be more than 'alone' if grayson decides to leave me with no explanation.

"ethan," i say. "how have you managed to get yourself in here?"

"a little bird told me you were upset over some boy." ethan walks over and sits down on the floor behind me. he begins to play with my long hair, braiding it loosely.

"why would you care?" i slur, suddenly remembering i'm supposed to hate him.

"because... why would i ever want someone to be sad?"

"you hate me," i mutter. "i hate you. that's just how it works."

"i hate you because i'm not allowed to love you," he says while stroking my hair.

SORRY I HAVENT UPDATED IN SO LONG MY LIFE IS JUST REALLY STRESSFUL RIGHT NOW BUT I WILL TRY HARder