Sometimes Changkyun felt like an outsider, an intruder to the group.
It occurred mostly when they were all having a good time — even the youngest was feeling happy. But something inside his head would bring some conscious back to him and remind him it was a momentary bliss. He had told himself to enjoy this little treats of merry, but there was no point once he realized the mood was light regardless of his presence.
His mind was like a dark room which door would open in the most unexpected chances to spread darkness around Changkyun's heart, and sometimes even infect the other guy's aura too.
In moments like this, Changkyun would slowly step away from the group and witness the lack of change on the mood as he left.
They never noticed. Never went after him. Never cared.
Not even the leader who was supposed to look out for his members.
This occurred several times, and then it happened overseas — at Germany. The dark room filled with loneliness and bad memories opened for Changkyun to come in. And so he walked away from the cheerful men around him. None of them noticed or cared.
His body was walking around trying to stay close to them, but he was in the now closed dark room. Thinking.
Thinking about how far they've come, how much he had accomplished, and how much was to come. But the darkness can extinguish light sometimes, and he imagined another person in his place. And now he was looking at this success from the outside. Was Hoseok wrong when he said they'd be better with Gunhee?
He usually didn't let this thoughts get to him, he was stronger than that. But loneliness was the one that opened the door for him, and he got trapped inside the dark room. With no one to take him out of it. No one to shut down that room.
"Excuse me.."
Changkyun looked up and out of the room's window when a girls voice talked to him in English.
"You're Changkyun from Monsta X aren't you?"
Her blue eyes were wide open and she wouldn't let go of her friend's arm, murmuring something the rapper couldn't understand.
"We are monbebes! Can we take a picture with you?"
And he was now out of the dark room.
"Sure," he said with a sincere smile.
They took some selfies together and then he sign some stuff for them; they were telling him how much they loved him being part of the group and not to worry about fans [read: no monbebes] saying he didn't belong or fit in the group. Not even once they asked where the others where or something not related to the maknae; and that made him feel loved and proud. It was like going out of your house in a perfect rainy summer afternoon and feel the cold water caress your skin.
The girls left and now Changkyun was alone. Not only lonely, but physically alone. No staff or band mates around.
He wasn't far from the seats where they were together earlier, and as he approached he realized only his suitcase was left.
"Are you serious?"
Maybe one day in the future they'd be enjoying Korean barbecue and some drinks and laughing at the memory of this moment. Or they would be sharing it during an interview in a foreign country and joke about it being on purpose or something like that.
But it wasn't funny at all.
The beautiful rain had turned into a dangerous storm and the water was flooding the dark room, where the lonely guy was trapped back inside looking for shelter.
The tears on Changkyun's eyes were the materialization of the betrayal drowning him.
It wasn't the first time they left him behind, but it was the first time they did in such a considerable background. There was no way they had left after looking for him not finding him, because he was nearby all the time. None of his band mates noticed his absence and reported it to the rest. Not even a fucking staff stayed behind to wait for him.
Changkyun considered taking care of the situation himself, but he didn't have the resources to do so, and the people looking at him with curious eyes was suddenly making him anxious.
It wasn't as if they were a group of 20 people where it wasn't easy to notice there was one missing. They should be on their way back by now.
However, after hours waiting Changkyun accepted they weren't coming for him. He sighed and swallowed his pride. The thought alone of calling them to remind them they forgot something rather important was paining him with humiliation.
As he talked to the manager on the phone, the door of the dark room opened a little to show him possible scenarios. He imagined the call being on speaker and the guys holding their laugh, one of them cursing because they almost managed to get rid of their youngest member but couldn't.
As he was waiting for someone to comeback for him, the door had closed behind him. Maybe they did left him behind on purpose, to have a good laugh. To imagine what the group would be like without him. To make him pay for whatever he did to be part of the group.
He was indeed quiet wherever they were travelling, but even then Jooheon would ask Changkyun to share with him an earphone because he forgot his; Hyungwon would sometimes fell asleep on the youngest's shoulder since the others would complain about him drooling on them but Changkyun didn't; Kihyun would make sure they were all comfortable on their seats, including the lead rapper; Minhyuk would make a joke about him and check on his reaction; Hoseok would glare at him at least once; and Hyunwoo.. he was the leader, he should make sure everyone was there.
"Changkyun.."
Changkyun was dark indeed. Because he couldn't let the dark room become his all, he had to visit it sometimes. He couldn't let his face express the pain around his heart.
"Coming," he took his stuff and with a blank face and confident motions followed the manager who would take glances at him and keep a concerned frown on his own face.
He wasn't to give them the satisfaction of showing how affected he was by the events of that night. No.
"Changkyun.."
"Yes, hyung?"
Hyunwoo winced and tried to avoid the cold look on the younger's eyes.
"I am s-"
"Sorry, hyung. I am a bit tired, I should get ready to sleep. We have a busy schedule tomorrow."
"Changkyun. Don't interrupt me when I'm talking."
Was he the bad guy now?
Changkyun snorted and bowed before closing the bathroom's door behind him, not bothering on turning the lights on since there couldn't be more darkness around anyways.
~*~
I love when you guys comment because I am like a Nogitsune, I feed on chaos strife and pain. And I know you love the angst.
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