A Downward Spiral

4

It's 2:30 in the morning. You get a message from your girlfriend that she is still up. You had almost forgotten about earlier, until it all comes back to you in a tsunami.
You wish you could just talk about it, but you've built so many walls to protect yourself in the beginning, that you've trapped yourself in the end.
  You want to be able to talk about it, but the topics are touchy, and you don't wanna loose everything you've worked so hard for. Not again.
  No response. You wonder why this keeps happening. A show of interest, for a killing silence after. It feels like a game. And your being played on an expert level. You can't seem to win.
  There is no reward for a victory. There isn't a congratulations or your doing great. No keep it ups or stay strongs. Just silence.
You try to break the silence. But it gets more awkward for you with every message you send. The silence like knives, stabbing at your heart.
  You are afraid of the answer you'll get or the conversation that could follow. You don't want to go through this, but you feel like you have to.
  Your whole body is shaking. Your stomach is turning cartwheels as you become more and more anxious awaiting the next words.
There's a reply here and there, but only prolonging the inevitable, making the situation worse and worse. You can't stop he anxiety and fear that is building up within you.
  Your mind re-creates all the scenarios, and even more to pile on top of it. You start to struggle with each passing minute as your body shakes more and more. You don't wanna send too many messages, or you'll feel too clingy.
  You hope everything is okay, and that all goes well. But in the back of your head something stirs. And stirs. Until it's the right consistency and it releases across your whole body, making you feel worse than ever.
You wish it would all stop. All of these thoughts. All of these feelings. They are killing you from the inside out. You feel like  it's being avoided with every sentence. You want it all to stop. You want your mind to stop. Your breathing. Your heart. It gets worse as the topic starts to unfold. You can't breathe, no matter how big of a breath you take.
It hurts. All of it. You dont know what to do. You wish it was over. Your entire life. You can't stand your thoughts peircing your soul. You start to slip. Little by little. Until finally, you cease to exsist....