Writer's block daw tawag but then I've never been a 'writer'.
I started writing when I was five. Isusulat ko ang nangyari sa'kin buong linggo, kung hindi kaya ng words, I'd draw it in the open space left on the paper, ilalagay sa envelope kasama ng sulat ni Papa, didilaan ang flap nito para mag-seal pati na rin ang stamp nito na ididikit sa left-most corner ng front envelop. Magpapaalam sakin si papa para umalis at pupunta ng airport, gagawin daw nyang eroplanong papel ito para makapunta sa mama ko na nasa ibang bansa at nagtatrabaho.
I mean, hindi ko ma-consider na fully writer ako. Kasi kapag writer, feeling ko aral ka dapat. Tenses, grammar, sentence construction, story flow. Kailangan dapat perfect lahat yon but is not me.
Storyteller siguro mas appropriate. I make things inside my head, write it on a piece of paper and that's it. Being an introvert helps because my day consist of 80% daydreaming and 20% mundane activities.
But as soon as I began being conscious on technicalities, the daydreaming slowly stopped. Alam ng mga nagsusulat na katulad ko na kapag tumigil yon, everything stopped. Akala ko stressed lang ako sa work and life but after few years, wala pa rin.
Kapag sinusubukan kong magsulat, walang image or scenario na lumalabas sa utak ko. Alam ko ang flow ang kwento pero hindi ko makuha ang tamang POV or emotion para dito. And it's really sad dahil alam kong maraming naghihintay ng Viper. Those last five chapters of that book had about 5 drafts each na tinapon ko. Bakit? sobrang crappy at walang trace ng ugali ng kahit na sinong character doon.
I tried everything a writer would do to bounce back but nothing worked. And reading a book doesn't excite me anymore. Dati it's my escape to a depressing life, now it's a road to my passion that I dread to take.
I honestly don't know who I bounced back. Hahahhaha! I thought of giving up this hobby a lot of times in those years dahil, well, it doesn't earn me any money and adulting needs it. Ever since I was a child, I dreamt of having a life where I was lost in the world. Iba't ibang ihip ng hangin sa iba't ibang lugar, iba't ibang lasa ng pagkain sa iba't ibang parte ng mundo. Iba't ibang tao sa iba't ibang bahay.
Travelling accidentally fueled me to write again. I've been into.. five? six beaches in the past three years? I love the smell and the sound of the sea. Feeling ko inaakit nya ko parati. Kumakalma ako, bumabalanse. Wala akong maisip na kahit ano kapag nasa tabing dagat ako. Tinuruan ako ng dagat na maging kalmado kahit na may times na sya ay hindi. Na it's okay to be chaotic at times, it makes you interesting. But don't stay that way, it will make you unstable.
But travelling needs money. I have to earn it to live with that dream. So I have to choose work over writing. I dreamt of having land near the sea and build a bed and breakfast there. To cater people and let them rest, to help their restless mind and body to stop working for a while. To let them enjoy life as it is and not think of anything. I wanted to create as safe haven, a sanctuary for those lost souls for I have been there.
At sa gabi, isusulat ko lahat ng napagtanto ko. Lahat ng malungkot at masayang pangyayari. Lahat ng problema na hindi naman dapat problemahin in the first place.
Kailangan mag-ipon para sa pangarap.
I stopped writing the day I became a writer. I started writing again nang bumalik ako as storyteller. I guess it's not my job to correct myself when writing, akala ko kasi self improvement yon, naging hindrance pa ata. Ewan, pagtanda ko ulit, mare-realize ko yon kung tama o mali ako ng pagkakaintindi. In God's time. Miane miane hajima. hahahahah!
The first time I felt I'm back into writing, I saw Vincent inside my head, sitting on a dark loveseat, mag-isa sa isang malaki at madilim na kwarto with only moonlight passing through a window near him. He was sitting with her arms rested sa sandalan ng seat habang naapatong ang right ankle nya sa left knee. Prenteng prente na upo.
"Welcome back, Erin."
That first time I actually heard his voice inside my head ina while so it was so exciting I flipped out of my bed.
He's alive. Again. after six years.
Medyo bastos kasi di nya ko ginalang, nanay nya ko, but then, ganon talaga sya cause I made him like that so kasalanan ko. hahahaha! But I'm glad. So glad that even when Viper ended, he was still there. So I had to make the part 2.
Sabi ko sa sarili ko, Ahh. Baka schizophrenic na ko. Pero hindi naman kasi di naman sya nakakaabala sa pang-araw-araw na pamumuhay. Baliw lang konti. Ganern.
In conclusion, why did I stopped writing again? Lots happened, experienced life, needed money, got to know who I am more and now I'm back.
Muah muah, tsup tsup. Erin.
