Send Her To Heaven

A Brief History of an Incredibly Mediocre Life

Jonah Pslam Alexander was born on October 29, 1989. Growing up in a middle-class family he had the potential to live a fulfilling and successful life. Sadly, too many Tarantino movies and graphic novels polluted Jonah's head with an attitude of us versus them. 

With a roof over his head and a ride to school, he never developed the same sense of urgency his peers did in their young adult years. Whereas most people grow out of their dreams of becoming stars or superhero's Jonah never did. In his mind, he was the second coming of Ron Jeremy. Not that he had a plan to make his dream come true. He just believed eventually the opportunity would present itself and he would get all that was owed to him. This attitude, or lack thereof, manifested in more ways than one. The most striking of which was his insistence up until the age of 21 that he was still a kid.

Besides his father, Jonah had two other siblings. His younger Aaron is a paraplegic and lives with his mom. His sister Talia could be dead for all he knew or cared. His mother was a schizophrenic whom he hadn't seen or spoken to since high school.  Contrary to his beliefs she was not an abusive or horrible woman. Luckily for Jonah, he had a stable father figure in his life.  

 He didn't have to be diagnosed with anything to know he was constantly miserable. As everyone started changing and moving around him Jonah remained the same. He had mastered the art of saying one thing and doing the opposite. Soon his sister and his father started taking jabs at him. Asking questions such as:

"What is your plan?"

"What are you going to do?"

"How are you going to take care of yourself"

Questions which were all meet with deafening incoherence, because after all, he was just a kid.

Excuse after excuse he became an expert at diverting blame onto others. His biggest insecurity was his teeth. Guilt-ridden, his family coughed up nearly $7000 to fix them. 

Then it was clothes. To this day he has always been the type of person who could fit his whole life into a carry-on. As his crouches became a burden his attitude worsened. No longer was it his appearance or education holding him back, but everyone around him.

This is not to say Jonah's life has been easy. In junior high, he was bullied to the point where his father followed him to school some days to make sure he didn't get jumped. Fortunately for Jonah, his father was in the right place at the right time on more than one occasion. 

Life in a largely white city, with a largely white immigrant community, became unsustainable. Moving to a more cosmopolitan city, the bullying did not cease but decreased tremendously. No longer did he come to school in fear of his life.

Never one to take initiative for himself he majored in accounting because it was the only college program accepting late applications. After nearly falling out he switched over to business administration.

During this time he worked at a grocery store. Even though he had a stable job he never felt the need to work longer hours or seek a promotion. Shortly after graduating he continued to work comfortably in the same dead-end job.

Rather than bother with a job search after college he decided to enroll in University. Just as he did in high school and college he clocked in and out with no real sense of purpose. 

Due to his subpar grades in college, his options for majors were limited. Instead, for two years he floated from subject to subject until settling on communications. 

7 years into his grocery store job he decided enough was enough and he was no longer suited for that type of work. Thus for two years after that, he remained unemployed.  Much to no one's surprise but his own it was really hard to get a job that paid weekly working only two days a week. 

Thankfully for his family's sake and his own mental health he was able to secure a job 3 months before graduating. Any time Jonah has found the initiative to change his life it has been at a dead end.  

That's why when he came across Joshua Cage's Instagram profile he was at a loss. Mirroring his fake profile to catfish Joshua's he pissed himself off by how authentic it looked. Shoot your shot he thought. 

Joshua Cage was everything he was not

He was successful

Good looking

Not a virgin

Charismatic

and on and on and on the list goes.

Most importantly this douche was a yoga instructor who taught other asshole yoga instructors. Taking a deep breath in he pulled up Jolene's profile and sent her a friend request. 

Like most of his life, he anxiously watched from the outside waiting to be let in.