"the moment, you hold me. i missed you, i'm sorry."
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steve rogers would never be given enough time on this planet, not ever. his heart, although weak and trembling, it was too big for his body. it was others above himself, constantly. and bucky knew it too. bucky knew steve's heart was made of nothing less than pure gold.
a garden was bloomed inside him, his words were rosemary and raindrops and his touch was golden petals. bucky made him bloom, further. and when the nights were dark and steve was shivering with a fever, bucky's moonlight fingertips clawed the boy's skin gently until he was relaxed.
eternal bliss. the moon was carried in bucky's pocket, steve believed so. bucky's lips poured dark blue flavours and his heart was made of gun metal shine and ambition. he made a fineshrine of him.
steve's last days consisted of sleeping next to bucky, drawing him as he slept softly, pinning small sketches to the walls. steve would draw them dancing, the cat slept at his feet as he wrote the letter he would leave bucky. it's what he wanted to do.
to let bucky still have a piece of him when he died. it would be any day now. steve didn't feel like he was going to die.
steve's mind was forever young, he was full of youth, he had years left, to experience the adrenaline of the world around him. his body wouldn't allow it. his heart was giving in, day by day. his job now completely out of the picture, peggy lending the shop to co-workers for a while until she helps nurse steve while bucky works the late night shifts at the diner.
the day was coming, and sooner than anybody had ever wanted it too. when the boy spoke, his voice was small. tiny, it broke bucky's heart, he held his hands and let him tell him stories. "yknow, bucky. when you first started coming to the shop in the summer, i couldn't stand you. you intimidated me, i remember exactly what you were wearing. black nail polish scabbing your nails, your words were sharp and fast" steve smiled, bucky gleamed.
"and then, a soft spot came from nowhere. the night we talked on the phone, the moment you told me goodnight was the exact moment i knew i had fallen for you. nobody has ever told me to have sweet dreams before since my mother died" bucky's forehead was rested on steve's hot forehead as he spoke.
"gosh, rogers. i never cry, not intentionally. falling in love with you, in the hot brooklyn summer, was the most magical thing my life has ever given me. god, i love you so much. i want to keep you safe, for the rest of my life. i wish it was me, i wish more than anything it was me, i wish i was the one on the verge of death, i wish i was the one that you had to take care of. you deserve so many more years alive, my darling. i cant even take you dancing anymore, my heart is breaking, watching you fade away" tears rilled from bucky's cherry cheeks as steve wiped them softly.
"stop it, enough of this. you've told me one hundred times, barnes. enough of the pity. i have always known my illness would take me, i've always known it. don't you cry for me, how many times have i told you? crying won't heal me, it won't do you any good. i don't want you to mourn for longer than i'd want you too, i want you to take care of the shop with peggy, move in with her, look after the cat. keep the thought of me alive, every single day after i die. it's all i ask of you" steve spoke in a small whisper, choked by tears.
"i promise" bucky closed the gap between their lips, just like the first time they kissed in the summer. their tears enveloped their tongues as the salt drooled from their lips. cherry cheeks and sunlit eyelashes bounced together, the world stopped spinning when the two were connected.
just like the first time they kissed, steves hands gripped bucky's hair softly, bucky gently held steve at his hips closely to his.
they were so in love.
bucky hates to admit, he will be distraught when steve dies. but it's not what steve wants. and bucky will make sure to do whatever steve would want. no matter how hard it is.
bucky was terrified.
bucky was so certain this would be the last night they would spend together, helping steve bathe, helping him change into his pyjamas, the last night they would hold eachother close with the cat sleeping between their legs. this would be it, bucky knew it.
he didn't know what to do, his chest ached. he didn't want to sleep, but steve did.
bucky finally slept, his arms wrapped around the short, weak boy. bucky's fear was consuming his whole being. but he was so certain, and he had no idea what to do.
"NO! NO! NO!" bucky's head screamed silently "WE HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN ENOUGH TIME. TOGETHER. WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN ONLY SIX MONTHS, SUMMER THROUGH WINTER" nightmares rattled his brain. he didn't want to wake up, he knew steve wasn't going too.
bucky was certain he cried in his sleep, the thought of steve's death ached his whole being, he wanted to stay there, forever. in eternal slumber, with eachother, with steve in his arms. to love eachother beyond the tomb. bucky prayed god would take him too, out of pure luck. bucky prayed, he pleaded and he prayed to an empty god he didn't believe in. all he wanted was the hope. to take him in the night instead of steve. he had no luck.
and that was it, the morning. and that was the morning steven grant rogers didn't wake up. it was the morning bucky fell to his knees before calling peggy's house phone to help him. it was the morning bucky had no idea what to do. it was the morning bucky was dreading for six months.
