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My Life is a Downhill

March 1, 2011, Tuesday midnight after classes.

"I'm here where are you?" talking to Danielle on the phone. "I'm here..." she said hanging up. "Hi..." she said awkwardly... "Hi...so..." out of nowhere she jumped on me and she was hugging me? she got close to my ear and said in a whisper "I'm sorry Madison" her voice moving like a sad sea. Or a tear falling off the face the sad persons face, I wanted to hug her back...but I have to be strong, I told myself in my head "Remember what she did! Remember what she did!" I kept telling myself in my head louder and louder! It just got louder in my head! I tightened my eyes shut, I couldn't stop saying it. It's like my thoughts wanted to keep it going! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Madison: 'MAKE IT STOP!!!' The voice yelled loudly filling my ears! "No stop!" I said getting her off me, I opened my eyes and she looked shocked, I felt so rude but she did me ruder! "I'm sorry!..." she said looking embarrassed "Don't ever do that again...please?" I said kindly. "Madison I'm sorry for what I did, I feel so disgusted with myself and I don't know if I could ever love again..." she said overthinking everything "Calm down that's not true. We learn from our mistakes" I said sounding like a positive soul. Madison: 'Aww you are teaching her to move on! But we both know you can't.' the voice wasn't wrong, I should've said that to myself when I needed support. So I decided to hug her because I felt like shit. She hugged me tightly. "uh...Not to tight haha..." I said while she let go a little bit. "Danielle I'm sorry but you know we're still broken up...right?" I said reminding her which was it rude? Madison: 'Of course you fuck! what happens if someone did that to you!? Huh?" said the voice. I mean the voice wasn't wrong. "Madison how can you say that? I do know," she said looking at me unbelievable "I'm sorry I thought you didn't...know" I felt so dumb, why did I ask her that stupid question? "Forget I said that! so...do you still...hang out with him?" I said hoping she said no but I already knew she was going to say yes. "Um...Not after what happened, No we don't hang out, but we text-only But he doesn't like the idea of me and him just texting he wants to hang out but I mean what happened to me and you, I realized it's not right hanging out with your ex," she said as we started to walk "Now your getting the picture" finally she understands. Madison: 'Some people become friends with ex-boyfriends or girlfriend, but I mean if you don't like it I get it' said the Voice, I thought about it the voice was right. "Madison are you still doing heroin?" said, Danielle worried "Haha, Yes and is there something wrong," I said in a mad tone "You need to stop this addiction! I don't want you to die" she said while she stopped walking. "Look I don't know why you're getting worried about me? I'm fine and I love doing it" I said sounding crazy. Madison: 'Calm down-' "Shut Up!" I said muttering to myself looking away "What? Madison who are you talking to? You have been talking, shouting to yourself, or someone?" said Danielle as the voices sound like a crowd of people talking, "It's No one! I always do that!" what the hell! These voices are going to get me crazy! "Madison Look at me" Danielle but her hands in my face, making me face her and my eyes looking at her "You need to stop this! your mom is going to find out!" said Danielle "No she's not! understand that!" I said getting mad "Fine! when she throws you out don't come running for help!" she said walking away "What help you are!" I said shouting, walking the other direction. My phone starts to ring, I struggle to get my phone out of my pocket "Who is it? Gianna?" Christ, what does she want! "Hello?" I said annoyed "Madison I need a favor" she sounded urgent "What so important you have to call me at the worst time!" I said Pissed off "SSorry!" she said in a sarcastic away.

"Oh my god...Sorry it's that y-you called me in a bad time...Sorry" I said apologizing "No I get it, I do that sometimes" said Gianna understanding the breakdown. "Yeo after your classes come over to my place so we can cocaine and heroin!" she said yelling through the phone of joy. Madison: 'I say we miss school!' said the voice "Shut up! I'm not going to be those in the street? you must be crazy!" said which is true! But I have to go to my classes but I went into class mad, annoyed, stressed. After school I didn't go to Gianna house even though how much I tried I didn't want to because I was tired. So I went straight home. The funniest thing is no one know I'm bisexual from my family. "Still in the closet, I see," I told myself making fun of it in a mocking way. I went home I knocked on the door. I look up the stars just some stars... "Don't worry they'll be more" I said looking and squinting my eyes. "Hi...Madison" said my sister Bethany looking down at one specific part of my body. "Hi...?" shit my wrist she looked concerned. I walked inside to put my bookbag down and toke of my shoes and went to use the bathroom in a rush. "Fuck, fuck, Fuck! they know, they know" I said in a whisper like a rat running to hide. I washed my hand and came out from the bathroom and my mom standing walk towards me "Madison let me see your wrist" she said grabbing my wrist hard. Shit, she's mad! Madison: 'Fuck Madison think, think of something!' said the voice as I started to panic as my ears could hear my heart beating and my breathing getting louder "¡Qué demonios es esto! (What the hell is this!?)" I'm so screwed. "no es nada, es solo un...(It's nothing is just a...)" I said snatching my wrist and walking to my sister's room. (Aka where I sleep too) "Es un picado de mosco (It's a mosquito bite)" I only made up to my hairdresser because she ask me question that I wish she didn't ask.

I turn around and she says "¡Dime! Dime que no es un picado de mosco, Madison! (Tell me! Tell me that's not a mosquito bite, Madison!" said My mom yelling. Madison: 'She's Getting buttered! Haha' the stupid voice started to laugh. "Longa de mierda!" She yelled and slapped me. "¡Te quiero fuera de mi casa ahora! (I want you out of my house Now!)" She said point at the door and her face turning red. My sister and mu Brothers just stared disbelief my sister in tears my brothers just looking at me with disgust "¡Sabes qué, sabes que me voy! (You know what, you know what I'm leaving)" I had enough! I grabbed my stuff, my clothes and shoes and shoved them in my backpack in anger. "Madison where are you going!!?" said my sister overreacting she yells like she saw me get killed?! "She wants me gone I'm out of here!" I said trying to zipping up the full backpack but it ended up breaking! "Stupid zip!" I said angrily throwing the zip on the floor. "Okay Madison she didn't mean it!" said my older brother "¡Mamá! ¿De verdad lo decías en serio? (Mom! did you really meant it?)" said my older brother right when I'm about to open the door. "¡Si! Sí, lo hice y la quiero fuera ahora mismo. (Yes! Yes I did and I want her out right NOW!)" My mom said yelling at my brother. "You see she...does!" I said my voice shaking as I open the door and slamming it, I walked outside in the cold with my backpack on hand. "Fuck! why me! Why, why!?" I said whispering to myself loudly.

"Shit...!" I wasn't the only one outside. "Hey! Madison? What was the yelling about?" said my neighbor "Nothing. It's stuff, I-I have to go, I can't stay here any longer" I said opening my gates and closing it and feeling it...Madison: 'Just remember the memories Madison...' I wanted to cry but I had to stay strong...Right? "Stay strong-Stay s-strong...Stay!" I started to cry half way up my block. "Why is this happening to me...I hate myself I hate my fuckin life!" I said crying and leaning on a wall. "Fuck! Man! Fuck!" I said hitting the brick wall "God why?" I said sobbing as I try to wipe my tears. Madison: 'Come on! Madison we need to go! Like right now!' said the voice and it was right I have to go. "Shit, your right! Your right" I said cleaning my face. And walking up the block and into the corner and going all the way right, stopping next to the laundry. I was walking back and forth thinking where the hell am I going to live or sleep. "Fuck! I hate my life!" I said about to cry and feeling like I have no point of living if I already lost everything! "I lost, I lost, I lost!" I was filled with stress no one understanding me! "I'm an idiot! I should've never took that vep pen! in the first place!" I said as negative thoughts were piling up. I know who could let me stay with! My friend! "Lailani!" I said calling her "Hello" said my friend "Lailani! I need a place to stay!" I said going into the question very fast. "Um Okay first of, What happened? And why are you asking me this question?" said my friend with a lot of question in my opinion. "My mom kicked me out of the house..." I said told my friend as she laughs, But I had a story- A fake story. "Dont laugh! Anyways she doesn't want me to be in her house anymore" I said my voice shaking. "I- I really n-need your help please..." I said crying "M-Madison Calm down I'll pick you bro just stay put" said Lailani trying to calm me down as shes getting ready to pick me up. My legs shaking, My tears on my face turning into little broken glass as my heart feels weak and heavy. As my breathing is trying to make me wanna pass out and fall backwards. "Madison Are you still there?" said Lailani "Yeah!" I said trying to say words as I continue cry by myself and my heart hurting as I take very small inhal and exhal.

Few minutes later Lailani comes with her car stopping besides me. She sees my shaking body and my eyes red and swollen with tears. "Madison come in quick fast" She said rushing me. I go inside of her car and feeling safe and warm but still not cared for. As she (Lailani) started to talk but all that was in my mind was, was I ever going to see my moms house ever again. But I realized it was for 9 years.

D.A.