A Small Voice

Chapter Seventeen

"To the Lord our Godbelong mercies and forgivenesses, though we have rebelled against Him."Daniel 9:9

The morning after the tree "incident," I meekly waited outside of Rachel's dormitory. My hand and back were so sore, I replaced breakfast with a handful of Advil and a cup of coffee, loaded with sugar.

"Rachel!" I yelled, far too eagerly.

She darted her pretty eyes toward me as she walked out with her new roommates. Whispering quietly to one of them, she thankfully broke from the group and walked over to me. I was instantly relieved, not sure if she was going to even acknowledge me. In my dark and baggy eyes, she practically floated toward me; she looked so pure and innocent. The stabbing pain in my back and hand was a physical reminder of how dirty I was, compared to her.

"Rach, I just want to say that I am sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

"I know," she replied, as she broke the six-inch rule and tenderly gripped my left bicep.

"It's just that—"

"I know," she cut me off, repeating herself. "I know this college transition has not been easy for you. It really was completely different than what we expected. I was so angry with you yesterday, but I realized my comments about you changing were wrong. You have always been a passionate person, though naïve, and very awkward." She playfully drew out the word awkward. She started to giggle. I noticed faint dimples in her cheeks, a subtle feature I rarely picked up on. Rachel's beauty had a way of always surprising me.

"I was stupid to think you could go from a semi-physical relationship to the six-inch rule overnight. Heck, of course you would be dying to kiss these pretty little lips." She flirtatiously and probably not consciously rubbed her index finger across them.

A smile formed on my formerly distraught face. "I was not awkward."

"Oh, you were awkward! You probably always will be."

We both start to laugh at that.

Screw it, I thought. I gave her a hug, and against the dumbass college protocol, she hugged me back. I bit my cheeks to distract myself from the burning pain pulsating through my body as her small arms pulled me in, the friction of her squeezing igniting my sacrificial back. Yet, even in pain, being held by Rachel instantaneously sucked the loneliness out of my soul, like a sponge consuming a puddle of frigid water. The moment felt unearthly. It felt like I had a reason to go on, to keep fighting my demons, my loneliness, my inability to fit in, and most of all, the feeling of being unwanted. Just a day earlier I thought she was gone forever, but my penance worked. I was sure now that God had seen my sacrifice, my pain, my spilled blood, and heard my muffled screams. He answered my prayers.

"Rach, I love you," I whispered in her ear.

"I love you too, Dan, but we still have a long way to go. We'll be physical again one day, but until then, rely on God. 'If God be for us, who can be against us?'" She slowly let go of me. Her warmth quickly dissipated, dissolving in the cool morning air.

"'If God be for us,'" I mumbled. I don't know why I repeated it. "Romans 8:31," I added confidently.

"Okay, stop showing off and walk me to class, mister." She looked down at my hand. I instinctively put it behind my back. "So, I'm guessing the tree won?"

A goofy and nervous chuckle came out of me. "Oh yes, who knew I couldn't take down a tree with my bare hand?"

"Who knew?" she repeated with a smile.