A Small Voice

Chapter Twenty-Seven

"Then he said unto him,Come home with me, and eat bread."1 Kings 13:15

For the second time in in my life, I was back on an airplane. Rachel was lying on my lap, sleeping. The six-inch rule...the fucking six-inch rule was fucking over. It was a mantra that ran through my head in a loop as I watched the fluffy clouds below. We were coming back as such different people. Rachel had blossomed, was righteous, the perfect benchmark of a young Christian lady. Me? I was more confused about life, and yet also more aware of who I really was. In a few days, I would be married and my battle with sexuality, celibacy, and guilt would finally be over. I was now going to be a good Christian. Just like Tammy, I was sure Rachel could heal my anxiety and loose my sexual repression.

When we landed, our respective families were waiting. Rachel ran and gave her parents a hug. During the last three years she'd developed a closer relationship with her family, and even convinced them to start attending church. She was a true witness, the real thing, everything good about religion.

I saw my family, gave my mom an awkward hug and my father an awkward handshake. I did miss someone though, and as soon as I got to my parents' house, I started up the Colt and headed to Charlie's. It was like the road to Mecca. Memories flooded back as I followed the familiar path.

I walked into the café, and the smell of coffee beans and old, musky wood excited me.

"Danny!" I heard a familiar voice shout. As my eyes just adjusted to the dimly lit interior, I say Sandy running up. I smiled and gave her a big hug.

She backed up and looked at me. "Dan, look at you. A full-grown man! I need to fatten you up a bit, though, you look too skinny."

I laughed, "Yeah, you're not the only one who tells me that."

She motioned to a free table. "Sit down, I'll get some cake. I make a new cheesecake with literally a million calories."

I watched Sandy go to the coffee bar. Some new talent, I thought, looking at a pretty little blonde behind the counter. Fuck, I chastised myself, realizing it was Sammy. She grew up fine. I accidently caught her eye. I could see her face go red from where I was seated. I felt kind of bad and gave her a friendly wave. She waved back, a grin breaking across her face. Realizing it, she quickly went back to her stoic disposition and pretended to work on a coffee. I felt a little tingle in my stomach.

Sandy came back and dropped a huge slice of cake in front of me. I usually only ate junk food when Tammy forced me to, but I thought it would be rude to not indulge.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Turtle cheesecake!" she exclaimed. I could tell she was very excited about the creation.

I looked at it again, but I had the feeling it was basically just cream cheese and sugar.

"Looks good," I lied. I was pretty sure I would be experiencing a sugar-induced panic attack three bites in. I pushed the cake out of my mind and focused on Sandy.

"So, you hired Sammy?"

She gave me a coy look. "Forget about it, Dan, you're taken."

"Hey!" I laughed, "I only asked because we went to church together.

She gave me a sly gin, obviously not fooled by my apparently noticeable attraction. "She's a sweetheart. She seems a bit sad, though. I get the feeling her parents are very strict."

"Deja vu?" I asked.

She laughed. "What's the deal with that church?"

"I don't know. I have a feeling they put more clout into tradition than on true piety."

Sandy laughed. "Look at you! You will make a great Priest." She pinched my cheek.

I was going to correct her, let her know that Protestants generally have Pastors opposed to Priests, but what would be the point? Sandy was free of all that bullshit. At that moment, I realized I was jealous of her. How could she live her life so freely? How can she be so happy living a life slinging coffee and smoking weed? Why was it so uncomplicated for her, and so fucking hard for me? She was like the ying to Rachel's yang. They'd both figured it out, even though they had opposite ideals. I was stuck in between somewhere. Doing a piss-poor job of it.

"So," she looked right in my eyes, and I instantly became uncomfortable. "How are you, how was the school? What did you learn?"

I wasn't going to lie to Sandy. "Well, to be honest, kind of confusing."

She smiled knowingly. "I figured it would be."

I was surprised at her on-point and candid answer. "Really?"

She grabbed my hand in a motherly way. "I recognized the changes, the independent thinking developing before you left. I was wondering how you would reconcile that with the Priest school."

"Bible College," I corrected. I couldn't help it, even though it probably sounded condescending. "Sandy, what would you do?"

"What do mean?"

"Well, I feel like I am stuck in between two worlds."

She squeezed the hand she was holding to emphasize her next statement. "Dan, what world do you want to live in?"

I was quiet. In ten minutes, she had me completely figured out. She was so in tune, it was spooky. She reminded me of Tammy.

"That's the problem, Sandy. I want both. Can I have both?"

She laughed. "You want to bake the cake and eat it, too. No, silly, you can't have both."

I looked down at the cake. I had only managed a few bites thus far. I put on my most adorable smile. "Are you sure?"

"Oh Dan, I don't know, maybe with your looks you can get far." She pinched my cheek for the second time. "But I am guessing it will not bode well with you."

"Bode?" I questioned, "What does that mean? Is it a hippie, Grateful Dead word."

"No!" she exclaimed. "Is that what you think of me, an old hippie?"

I was happy I was able to rile her up a bit. Her intuition was freaking me out, and I needed to regain some control. "Yup, that's what I think of you."

She started laughing, realizing I was teasing her. "I'm not sure how Rachel deals with you. And 'bode' means that shit is not going to go well for you. We can't have it all. Does Rach know you have these thoughts? She seemed pretty serious about the religion before she left."

"No," I admitted, "and Rachel killed it there. Christianity only made her better. She fit right in."

"Dan, don't compare yourself with Rachel. That girl will fit in everywhere."

"Yeah," I agreed, "but I want to fit in."

"I think it is less of not being able to fit in, and more of finding where you do fit."

"Damn, Sandy, why did I even go to Bible College? I should have just sat down over cheesecake with you."

She laughed at that. "Are you going to talk to Rachel about your feelings?"

"Sure," I lied. I didn't want to lie to her, but I was not sure Rachel would understand, and I was not going to risk losing her. "I'm sure I'll figure it out, we'll figure it out."

She smiled, "Well, I am really happy for you. Rachel is a special girl. A special girl for a special man."

A group walked into the shop just then. "Finish your coffee and cake, Danny, it's on me. I better get back. Sammy is cute as a button, but a bit ditzy. I am not sure she can handle this crowd."

"Thanks so much, Sandy."

We stood up, and I gave her another hug. I tried to wave goodbye to Sammy, but she seemed to be avoiding eye contact. "Hot damn," I mumbled, taking one last look at her.