A Small Voice

Chapter Thirty-Seven

"He that is faithful inthat which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in theleast is unjust also in much."Luke 16:10

I resisted Brittney for a few weeks after our encounter. In my heart, I desperately wanted to stay faithful to Rachel. She was everything to me. I blamed it on that damn purple thong. I was obsessed with it, so much so that I hid it under my pillowcase at night. When Rachel fell asleep, I would slip it out, place it against my nose and smell her, while stroking my cock into a rock-hard erection. Her scent was mystical; it had the power to teleport her into my dreams, where, without guilt, we would explore our sexuality, much in the way Tammy and I had. Except, with Tammy, we fucked in a spirit of deep friendship and familiarity; with Brittney, it was carnal, all selfishness. She was all sex, living, breathing sex. Every cell in her body seemed to be created for it, and craved it.

The breaking point in my struggle against Brittney was the day a letter from back home arrived. I dropped Rachel off at the church, and she turned to me before leaving the car.

"Oh, I forgot. You got a letter," she said.

"A letter?"

"Yeah, from home. It looked like it was from that girl, Sammy."

The blood instantly left my face. "Did you open it?"

"No, why? Does she have a crush on you still?" she teased.

I smiled nervously. "Well, I hope she would—I mean, look at me."

Rachel laughed. "Wow, my husband is so modest."

I produced a fake laugh. "Have a great day, Rach." She leaned over and gave me a kiss. Then, in her energetic way, jumped out of the car and went into the church.

"Sammy," I mumbled aloud.

I was tempted to drive straight home but decided it would make more sense to get my daily vodka, except this time I was not buying a little mickey; I would get a nice, large bottle.

I had a few swigs in the car on my way back from the pharmacy. I also picked up a refill of Xanax and took the full daily dose all at once. I also scored some Percocet from a regular at the shop with a back injury. He was always open to selling a few.

Usually, I loved coming home. I'd put on some coffee, relax a little, and then get ready for my students. But today I had that ominous feeling I would get when me Rach and me were young, that the universe was going to tear us apart, and if anyone had the power to do so, it was Sammy—or even her father, for that matter.

My hands trembled as I opened the letter and began to read.

Fuck me.

I quickly got on the phone and canceled all my lessons for the day. I phoned Rachel as well and let her know that I was taking a sick day.

"What was the letter about?" she asked. I could tell she was trying to make light of it, pretending not to be overly interested, but what young woman would not be interested in a letter from another young woman to her husband? Especially when she was smoking hot like Sammy.

"Oh, not much, just letting me know about a Christian School reunion."

"Oh," she sounded relived, "are you going to go?"

"Me? Gosh no. My plan is to never go back there, ever again."

Rach laughed. "That's a bit dramatic."

I cut the conversation short. "Okay, love you, Rach. I am going to try to sleep off this cold or flu now."

I hung up and took a massive draw of the vodka. Then I did what I always do when I fucked up. I called Tammy.

"Hello?"

"Tammy, my angel, my sweet, sweet friend."

She laughed. "Shit, Dan, what did you do?"

"Can I come and live with you? I'll take a bus to California and we can start a life together."

"Dan, you know I am engaged now, and as much as I would be down for that bright idea, I happen to be privy to some personal information about you."

"What?" I asked, instantly more nervous.

"That you love Rachel."

I sighed. "I fucked up, royally. I fucked up like I've never fucked up before. And you know how good I am at fucking things up. It's literally my only talent."

"What happened?"

"I have a kid," I mumbled. The knowledge felt surreal, and not in the good way.

Tammy was silent on the other line for what felt like forever. "And I am guessing it is not a kid you had with Rachel and simply forgot to tell me about? Who is she?"

"Remember Sammy, the girl from my old church, the one whose dad I beat up?"

"Fuck," Tammy replied. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. Rachel is not going to like this. Especially since you have been living a lie and pretending to be some fucking sanctified little church boy. Fuck, Dan, this is going to come out of left field for the poor girl. You didn't use a condom?"

Hearing Tammy freak out completely unnerved me. She was the friend that kept everything together, she always had the answers. She was my rock. "Well, I assumed she was on birth control..."

"Dan, it's always the sheltered little Christian girls who get knocked up. Do you think her mother would actually take her to the clinic for birth control pills?"

"Tammy, what am I going to do? I don't want to tell Rachel. She will leave me for sure."

"You have to tell her." Her tone was serious and pragmatic.

"I can't."

"Listen, you little prick. I told you to be honest with her from the beginning. If she knew you had these needs, she would have found a way to fulfill them if she really loves you. You wouldn't have to go around fucking little Amish girls!"

"She's not Amish!" I replied indignantly.

"Tell her, and then send Sammy some money. Send her money every month. I keep telling you to create your own world, but instead you're being an imposter in the worlds of the people you love. You're fucking up their universes."

I grunted. "I never know what you're fucking talking about! I don't even get half the shit you say!"

"Dan," she said in a friendlier tone, "just start thinking about it. Be honest with Rachel. I bet she is more forgiving than we think. She loves you."

"I hope so."

"Me too, Dan, me too."

"If she kicks me out, can I come and stay with you for awhile?" I asked.

"If she kicks you out, you need to go back home and raise your child."

"Right." I realized what a stupid thing I had just asked her.

"Dan, congratulations. Is it a boy or girl?"

"Thanks, I guess. It's a boy."

Tammy sighed. "He must be cute. I love you, everything is going to be all right."

"Love you, too."

I hung up and took another Xanax, washing it down with vodka. "Fuck!" I yelled. Then I did the stupidest thing imaginable. I dialed Britt.

"Hello?"

"Can you skip school today?"

"Sure," she replied easily.

"Where are you?"

"There's a big graveyard a few blocks from Central High. I'll meet you there."

"Okay," I agreed. "See you soon, Puppy."