Alcoholics Anonymous | phan |

funeral planning-its party planning but sad

*I give up we're going into first person sorry also...TW: mentions of abuse, death and suicide*

I've been at the funeral home for almost three hours with Adriana, debating whether or not I'm going to have a funeral for my mother or just a burial. She just keeps bringing up the fact that mum went to therapy, and she had to have friends or whatever. It's all bullshit- but I cant say that to her face.

"I'm just saying Philly, she had to have some sort of friends. Your mother couldnt have just been a recluse," she says matter of factly.

It's not like she ever met her.

"You're right, Adri. She wasnt alone- she had me. In my eighteen years of living with her I never saw anyone at our house. Ever. I just dont think she had any...real friends," I say rubbing my face in frustration. Shes being ridiculous.

"Okay well what about this; we have the funeral. But you have to put it in the newspaper so people will know they're able to come," I look up at her and sigh. I know I'm never going to win this, I may as well let her have some sort of leeway in this.

"Fine Adri, but if only like 3 people show up you owe me 10 dollars."

She smiles, "deal!"

I never thought this is where I'd be in life, betting over my mothers grave. Actually yeah- that makes perfect sense to be honest.

Mr. Carter limps over on his cane, "I assume you've made a decision?"

I nod and roll my eyes while saying, "we'd like to hold a funeral."

The grey man nods and directs us toward his office so he can help me blow all of my money on my abusive mothers funeral. Love where my life is heading.

I drag my feet walking behind him and Adri grabs onto my bicep and pulls me for a second, "Phil, are you okay?"

I look back at her and give her a very fake smile and nod, "yeah sweets. Just peachy," I turn to walk away and her grip tightens and I roll my eyes.

"Thank god you're gay cause if you had any nails at all this would be pretty painful."

Her cheeks turn bright and she drops my arm, "sorry," I turn to walk away and she follows behind me.

As we get to Mr. Carter's office he pulls out a folder, "alright well we have several different options you can choose from- all having to do with the amount of people coming. See we could have a viewing for friends and a funeral for family- or vice versa its really up to you guy. Now I will say...."

I block him out after some time because my mind just wonders away from the conversation. I never thought that I would be planning my mothers funeral, truthfully, I always imagined myself dying before her. Not that I was ever suicidal or anything, she just..never stopped some night. Some days it lasted seconds and sometimes it lasted hours.

"I told you to come straight home after school, Phillip!" My mother screams as a twelve year old me walks into the front door quietly.

"M-mum, I always tutor on Thursday's..r-remeber?" I stutter clutching my lunch box and setting down my backpack that's full of books for me to study tonight.

"I dont care when you tutor! I told you to come home! You know I cant be home by myself for long, why would you put me through that?!" She screams 2 feet away from me.

I flinch back, "I'm s-sorry mum! I'll- I'll cancel the se-sessions!"

"Stop fucking stuttering! You tutor so much why cant you just talk right! You know stuttering is for liars!"