Alcoholics Anonymous | phan |

so..do you want a drink?

After I pulled away he shoved his face in his hands and rubbed his eyes roughly, as he did so I reached up and touched his wrists and he froze.

"Stop, you're gonna hurt your eyes. Come..sit down," I whisper and pull him to the old vanity chair in my room and I motion for him to sit- which he does.

"I'm sorry, I dont know what came over me. One minute I'm planning my mothers stupid funeral and the next..I'm crying in your arms. Sorry," he says wiping his cheeks with the inside of his shirt.

I give him a small smile and I sit on the edge of my bed, "its fine..nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry about your mother."

He scoffs and puts his head in his hands, "I'm not. God I wish I could just..get everything that reminds me of her out of my fucking head."

I bite my lip and nod, "so that's what you meant about the past?" Remembering what he said in aa.

He nodded and rolled his eyes, "its pathetic. She did nothing but hurt me, why am I still in pain because shes dead?"

I sigh lightly and shrug, "well..sometimes even if we dont want to miss someone it ends up happening. Because you remember all the good times you had with someone, and you remember what couldve happened. Or what shouldve happened anyways. Its not easy to just...hate someone that you were close to. Because you always have the memories that person gave you," I say staring at my hands while I speak. I look up after I'm done and hes staring at me.

"Is that what you're trying to do? Is that why you drink, I mean? Are you trying to forget about someone?" His eyes are so blue when they're surrounded by tears.

I think back to all the times I raised my glass denying that the drink was because of him, when it really was.

"I guess you could say that," I whisper and look back down to my hands.

He let's out another scoff and he runs his face, "we're so fucked up, something bad happens and the first thing we do is drink...we're so damn fucked up."

He pulls off his jacket and exposes his tattoo clad arms again and I bite the inside of my cheek to stop from asking about them.

"Maybe that's why we worked so well together," he mutters and I glance at his face- to see that his eyes are closed.

"What do you mean?"

He let's out a sarcastic laugh, "all we are are fuck ups Dan. But when we were together...it made us..not fuck up so much."

My heart skips a beat and I nod, "makes sense..."

He shakes his head and rests it  on his hand, "I just wish we werent so fucked up. We could be great if we weren't in each other's way."

I look up, honestly confused because like five seconds ago he was saying we were perfect.

His eyes meet mine and I see a smug grin come across his face, "you look good by the way. You look like a good little house wife."

I blush and situate my pink pajama shorts, "thanks..the punk vibe fits you pretty well too," I say quickly and quietly.

His smile is even bigger, "I know. But I'm glad you like it babe," he winks and crosses his arms behind his head.

I roll my eyes as he flexes his arms and I stand up, "I miss your sweet self though, badass phil is a cocky son of a bitch."

He laughs and claps his hands," son of a bitch is right. But yeah, that's the way to do it. No one hurts you when you act like you dont have feelings. Its amazing." His voice has a pinch of sadness in it, and I know at that point that he wants someone to know he cares. That he actually just wants someone to ask him if hes okay.

I bite my lip again for what feels like the hundredth time and I turn back around to face him, "Phil..I know this isnt you. What....well. What happened?"

He let out a sad sarcastic laugh and glanced up at me, "why do you even want to know. I'm the one who did this to you. Why do you care about me?"

My heart races as I open my mouth..then shut it again.

When I go to speak again he holds up his hand, "stop. Don't. I know whatever you're about to say is going to make me want to stay here, with you forever. Don't. Please, I just got over you." He mutters, with tear soaked voice.

My eyes start to burn as I shake my head, "no. I'm gonna say it anyways," he shakes his head and he stands up walking away.

I run up behind him and grab his hand, "you're my person. You're the person i cant get over, everything I do reminds me of you Phil. I need you, and I kno-"

"I said stop," he growls from ahead of me and I shake my head again.

"I need you, and I know that you're over me but I will never be able to be over you. I wanted to hate you so much for actually leaving but I ended up hating myself so much more because I let you g-"

He turns quickly and shoves my hand off of his arm, "I said shut up Dan. I dont care anymore. You're five years too late." He turns and grabs the handle of my door.

"NO! I've thought about this for five FUCKING years Phil! You're going to listen to me," I shout, jumping on his back and he stumbles backwards a few feet and I fall off- pushing him onto my bed.

"I still love you! Okay! There! I still fucking love you, I loved you after you stepped out of my arms at that fucking dance! I loved you as you looked back at me and I loved you as I watched you drive away! I loved you when I went to your mothers house and begged for her to let me see you and I loved you when she told me you hadnt came home! I loved you then Phil, and I love you now!" I shout at him and watch the tears run down his face as my own run down my cheeks and fall onto my shirt.

"So you can tell me that you dont fucking care Phil, but if you didnt you wouldnt be here right now," I say significantly softer and he let's out a loud sigh before opening his arms for me.

When I step in them he wraps his arms tightly around my waist and rests his head on my stomach while I wrap mine around his neck.

He cries into my shirt and I let my tears fall into his hair, "I....I thought you wouldnt care. I thought that when I came back you'd be with Chris or something, but it hurts so much more knowing that you've been hurting too.." he sobs and I run my fingers through his raven black locks.

I let out a sad laugh, "Chris got married to a guy named Freddie after highschool. They're having a baby soon, remember? From aa?"

He nods which runs his tears even more into my shirt, "I'm sorry," he cries and I tighten my hug.

"I am too."
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Whoo hoooooooo

So, how do you guys feel?

🖤 -kam