Alcoholics Anonymous | phan |

this is the best day of my life

"Families usually stand up front, but you do what you feel is fit," Mr. Carter says before limping away to his office, a few minutes before the funeral is actually supossed to happen. He'll be back out soon, since hes going to be talking throughout it.

"Thank you," I call after him before sitting and resting my head in my hands, "fuck this."

I don't want to be here, I dont want to be anywhere near this woman- dead or alive. I look up and see the dark casket in the front of the home and roll my eyes.

What a fucking bitch.

She ruins my life, then goes and fucking dies without planning anything- and leaves me here to figure out what she "deserved". She didn't deserve shit. She ruined me. Who beats a 7 year old? What does someone who does, deserve? Nothing.

I stand up and walk over to her lifeless body and stare at it. The makeup on her face makes her look alive, like shes just sleeping. Like she'll wake up at any moment and start hurting me because this isnt what she wanted.

She would do something like that.

I shove my hands in my pockets and look around, taking in the lack of people around me. Maybe I'll win this bet after all. When I look back at her I sigh, ready to get my own grievances out of the way.

"Look at you. You're almost as pathetic as you made me feel growing up. I was a good kid, I listened. I helped you. I cleaned up after your panic attacks, I was more of an adult that you ever were." I let out a sarcastic laugh before continuing, recalling a certain memory from my childhood. A significant one, y'know. The ones that are best to recall on the day of a funeral.

"Do you remember when I made dinner for you on mothers day? I was ten, and I made you spaghetti with garlic bread. And what did you see? You didnt see your fucking child making dinner for you, you saw the mess I made in the kitchen. You saw that I didnt clean all the pots in the sink and you couldnt get over that- could you? You couldnt just accept the fact that I did something nice for you. And what did you do? Did you say 'oh! That's okay son! I love you and appreciate what you did for me'? No, you threw a hot, dirty pot at me and broke two of my ribs after you beat me. Why? There wasnt wasn't consequence. We couldnt have gotten hurt from it- why did you hospitalize me mother? Huh? I will never forgive you for the absolute hell you put me through, you fucking psychopath. You made my whole life miserable, and even now. When you're dead you control me, I still hear your fucking voice in the back of my mind after i do something. Like you're just going to pop up and hurt me again. I'm glad you're fucking dead. Now you cant hurt me anymore," I snapped at the empty body in front of me, not even realizing I was crying until I finished.

I rub my eye and turn to see black clad Howells and Chelsea.

"Oh, h-hey guys. What's up?" I chuckle and straighten out my suit jacket, before Adri steps up and hugs me tightly.

"I'm sorry. I shouldnt have made you hold a funeral, I didnt know. I- i thought it was because you were sad I didnt...I didnt know...I'm sorry," she cries into my jacket and I rub her back soothingly.

"Shh, it's okay Adri. You did what you thought was best, and it was the best option. You helped me come to terms with it, thank you." I said and watched a few more people walk into the home and sit in different rows.

"O-okay Philly," she sniffles and turns to hug her girlfriend.

"Let's go love, let's find a seat." Chelsea mutters in her ear and leads her to a seat in the middle of the home. I stand with my hands back in my closet before Dan walks up, holding his purse closely to his body.

He bit his lip and I smiled at ther cute habit, "what's wrong Princess?"

He looks at me with glassy eyes and bites harder on his lip, "I knew she did that to you, but I didnt really how bad it was...I'm so sorry," he cries and I smile sadly at him before pressing my palm to his cheek.

"Baby, you couldnt have done anything anyways. I wouldn't have let you," I mutter, remembering how naive I was. Thinking it would stop, and that one day she'd wake up feeling guilty about it all. Pathetic.

"B-but I could've dont s-something," he cries harder and I shake my head. Stuttering is for liars, my mothers voice racks my mind and I shake my head quickly, to reassure him and to rid her from my mind.

"No you couldnt have. You helped me enough Dan, you were there. And that's all I needed, I just needed someone to believe in me and you did. You gave me that, you gave me a freedom I had never felt before," I say moving away from the casket and srapping my arms around him.

He nods and looks up at me, pressing a kiss to my cheek, "okay Phil. I'm..I'm sorry I left you alone."

I chuckle and shake my head, "it's fine. You didnt know, its okay."

Music begins to play and I look up to see a packed house. I guess I lost that bet, Adri sure has a way of convincing people to come to something they dotn give a fuck about. an

I go to my seat before letting Mr. Carter lead the service in his raspy monotone voice.

"Today we gather together in remembrance of Kathryn Lester, a mother and a friend. She lived her life in...." he drones on and on about where she was born and where she died and how it all correlates and how she lived her life. He said good things about her, how she went to therapy regularly and helped many people get better alongside her. How she was on the debate team in high school and how she was in theatre and was class president. None of these things were reflected in her daily life- yet he still felt the need to include them. He didnt include how she was slowly losing her mind, how anxiety controlled everything she did. He didnt talk about how she used to sit at home and scream at me for hours, then pretend like nothing was wrong- why would he? That's not proper funeral talk, you never say the truth at funerals. No one wants to hear the truth. People want to hear things like 'they're in a better place' or 'she'll be watching over you'.

Like I said, everyone only wants to hear lies.

"And now I believe, Kathryn's son- Phil- has something to say," he says before motioning towards me. I stand and face the room full of teary eyed liars and breathe.

"Thank you for coming today, I wasnt aware just how popular my mother was. I'd like to thank you for the way each of you influenced her life and how you helped her become the woman she was. Thank you for your time today, I-I know it wouldve meant so m-much to my mother to see all of your faces here today. Th-thank you again, "I say before sitting down and earning a respectful nod from Mr. Carter. Stuttering is for liars. But that's how you entertain liars- you lie back.

"Would anyone else like to say something?" He asks the crowd and its quiet, I stare at my hands- knowing no one will speak up.

"I will." I look up and stand at the sight of the person in front of me, a man I havent seen in many years- acting like he can just come in after this long, without a single word.

"Martyn," I state and he looks at me with a smile.

"Hey little brother."
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That's it lmao have a good night/day or whatever lol.

Stay safe
-kam