Friends with Benefits

2

10 JUNE 2019 

I fucked up. 

Any time before that, we met, we fucked and we leave. 

There was never room for anything emotional to seep in. We left it purely consumed by lust but when you cut me off, I breathed better. 

Commitment without intimacy screamed toxicity more than any other. Friends with benefits leaves room for emptiness and loneliness. Perhaps that was why at twelve in the morning, your text came in after you decided we were done. My heart flinched a little. 

Hey are you there? 

Simple as that, you roped me into your whirlwind of emotions and with the days fading by, I found myself seeing the other part of you no one did- not even you. 

To think before 10 June, you were nothing more than a jackass. A boy who let the desires of intimacy consume him. With no respect for any other women, you were just like Jason in my eyes: selfish, self-centred, playboy. 

But you turned it around and behind those walls, you were just as vulnerable as anyone else. You had your heart broken, soul forsaken and body alone. In you, I saw a reflection of myself and the hopelessness in your eyes. 

I could hear you screaming for an out but with your limbs numb and heart bound to someone else, you could barely find the strength to push another day. Even so, your heart never grew tired of missing her and the 'love' you had for her fuelled you. 

For the next 35 days, I watched your eyes lit up about her. You words never left the bliss of her lips and I watched you grow out of my prejudiced judgements. 

I laid there next to you for the next 35 days, feeling the tears rolling down your skin as you hastily wiped it away. I sensed the cracks in your voice as you felt the loneliness crashing on the surface and I heard the wailing sirens of your own heart begging for mercy from the twisted agony stabbing into it. 

Each time you needed something to ease the thoughts of her, we fucked and then we went back to the talking and the listening. 

Each time you felt the solitude knocking on your door, your hand intertwined with mine and you would kiss me goodbye. Hopefully I lingered a little in your mind but I knew I never did. 

Any broken human trying to fix himself with another broken pair makes everything else crippled. 

Even so, the next 35 days I found my heart falling in love with your vulnerability. 

35 days: 

I loved the boldness of your love. The way you went beyond your means to have the one you love back in your arms, I marvelled at your courage. I heard of the time you waited the entire night at one of your exes' door for her to take you back. 

I thought things like this only happened in movies but you played the scene in reality. 

I loved the respect and filial piety you have for your parents. Nothing mattered if your parents never had a taste of the things you whipped in the kitchen. Any luxury you bought, you always thought of them first. Family first and those were the choices you made and you pampered them. 

You love your mother so much, you told me you would bring her as a date to your social nights. 

I loved the passion you had for the things that matter. Be it a girl, hobby or even exercise. You would stop at nothing until you reached your goal. You always had that drive in you and you were formidable. You had so much strength in your soul. 

Oh boy, why did you let it all blow away when she left you? 

I watched my heart came to an epiphany, I saw the light in your darkness. 

Friends with benefits? I never let you defined what we were because I knew we never acted like it anymore. I was afraid if I ever said something it would ruin what we had but on day 31 the inevitable came. 

Do you think I should woo her back? I know our story doesn't end here. 

So I let you go because I knew you 'love' her and love can never be forced. 

With a little throb tugging at my strings, I convinced you it was the right choice to win her back because I thought you would be happy with her. 

So long you were happy boss, I am happy.