Friends with Benefits

5

WITHIN 14 DAYS

It was euphoric yet raging.

You waged a war within me. I often fought with myself trying to do the right thing but at the same time, I wanted to keep you by my side.

Except it was illegal and you were not rightfully mine.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were a blur.

Sunday was a nightmare. You knew I missed you and I wanted to see you yet you still tempted me to come close to you although you were someone else's.

But the worst part: I almost gave in.

Truly thank God, if not for Jacqueline I would have fucked up more things. She kept me sane while you drove me mad. I was going berserk with all the thoughts flooding my head, trying to figure out your feelings and who you would eventually choose.

For that I give you an apology. I am sorry Carter, I should have seen at that point, what you needed was a friend and I was being a selfish asshole.

Monday, I was supposed to go to your house for monopoly. What a ridiculous reason but out of the blindness of my heart, I still went. I turned, pushed you aside and told you no but it still happened. I left that day feeling a little deceived, wondering if any of it were real. If you loved her, how could you touch another?

How dare you to even think of wishing she was me instead. How dare you.

Tuesday, I blocked you again. I thought if you were unable to made a decision, I would do the right thing for you. I knew when you up for two choices, you would never come to a decision unless one of them made the choice.

So I made it.

I left because if you had to deliberate over who to choose, I knew I was worth more than a choice. I knew if you loved someone enough, nothing would ever stopped you from being with them. But you stayed with her and that spoke volumes.

But Tuesday, you called me when I was with Jacqueline.

She knew I never blocked your number so she rejected the call and closed a door. But my heart choked and I opened the door again.

You said you wanted bubble tea and I got it for you and I spent the night laughing with you.

Innocent, raw and genuine.

For awhile, you reminded what it felt like to be happy with someone I love.

It was long since I felt this way, next to Brandon. You were the second guy that made me smile offline - online.

Wednesday rolled by and we met again. We cuddled, watched a movie and we fucked. I remember the 1hour45minutes film we never watched till the end. I remembered my restless heart completely giving up and I let you in me for that ten minutes of euphoria but the afterparty was the tragedy.

I sat down and I lowered my voice. My eyes reflecting weariness and I asked you.

What if today was the last day you ever saw or hear me again?

You stopped packing your bags and looked up.

No. That's not happening.

I pressed my lips together tightly. I fumbled with my phone and scraped the nail polish off its surface.

What if I blocked you everywhere?

You looked up at me again. I saw you astonished and in disbelief as you tried to call me but I was out of service. You looked for my socials but I was not in operation. Yet I was here in flesh telling you the future but that never panned out.

I think you saw the tears welled up in my eyes until these words escaped my lips.

I regret pushing you to her.

When I said that. I meant it at that time. Not because I wanted you to be mine but it was because if not for that motivation. You would never be in this mess.

You were already emotionally fucked and I should have known better than to let you seek healing from her when she was equally lethal as well. I should have known better than to let that dysfunctional story continue.

I should have known better Carter.

I should have known better that you needed to love yourself, good and bad before you could start loving her.

I regret because if not for me. You would never be in that position.

Sometimes I wondered if you blamed me for that decision. If you did. I am sorry, truly and deeply. I never meant for it to be this way, I only wanted you to be happy.

But even after that, you told me to give you time to think things through. You said you will give me an answer and you were on a break with her but you extracted old wounds.

Brandon told me to wait for an answer but the answer was no.

Why would I lie around waiting for the inevitable when I should start healing.

It took me the next four days to get my sanity together, to start making sound decisions and I finally blocked you on the evening of Saturday. I cleared our conversation and closed every single door because I needed healing.

Without me in the picture, it would make your situation easier too.

But I called you on Sunday asking if you were okay. I told you to give me time to heal and you did.

Truthfully Carter, part of the reason why I blocked you was because I knew on Saturday you were with her. It was never a break, you were both deluded. I was jealous because I knew she would always be the girl on you arm while I was the girl in the sheets.

She was outdoors but I would always be behind closed doors.

So for the next three days I healed, I prayed and I pulled myself together.

I love you Carter but I love myself more than to let you make me a fucking choice. It is either you want me or no.

But 8 August, oh boy. That was a completely different story for the next fourteen days and the fourteenth was the one that pierced deep.

You reached my depth when no one else did Carter.

Congratulations fucker.