Friends with Benefits

4

27 JULY 2019

I fucked up again. 

One thing I had for you was an extremely soft spot. I could never leave you without an open door to me. 

At anytime I shut you out, my mind never stopped thinking about you and my heart accelerated for the entire day. If my number was unreachable, Telegram unfindable, Instagram completely vanished. I made sure you had another account to reach out to or even WhatsApp. 

But on 27 July 2019, as adamant as I was not to meet you. I relented. 

It was a supposed 0800 to 1000, two hours was more than enough for me to know you were okay. I woke up at six that day just to meet with you and go on a joyride with your family and friends and after, I was scheduled for filming. 

But God had something else in mind. 

They found a stand-in actress because I was supposed to reach there at 1000. 

It was my fault and I fucked up because I wanted an excuse to see you but I avoided you the whole day because I did not know what to say to you. I was terrified of letting my feelings resurface after taming it for two weeks. 

I spent most of the time talking to your friend but when we were alone, you asked me. 

Do you think I made the right decision?

Obviously not. If she did not make you feel enough, it was never the right decision Carter. But even if it was the wrong decision, if she was the right girl. She will always be the right decision. 

But my wrong decision that day was following you home. 

I thought the only right decision was to set boundaries. You set on the bed while I sat on your chair but I fucked it up when you asked for a hug. 

Are you okay? What's wrong? Hey what happened?

I always wanted to make you sure you were okay but we ended up laying next to each other again and we talked. 

You asked me if I had feelings for you but I spiralled. I wondered if you knew I was not that kind of girl to jeopardise your happiness for my own. I never said anything not because I would never fight for someone I love. 

It was because you did not love me. 

You love her. 

But we both fucked up cause we ended up sleeping with each other trying to validate our feelings- your feelings. 

I was doing fine without you but for the next fourteen days I was a selfish bitch and I am ashamed of that. 

The one thing I swore never to be again was the side hoe but you made me one again. It takes two hands to clap and I wished I had chopped my hands off so you would never let her down. 

Maybe it was my mistake to constantly be there for you but I never wanted you to feel you were alone. 

You wished she was me but we are two completely different people Carter. 

I am an individual of my own and no matter how much I love you. I would never make myself change to be like her. I rather lose you than to lose my individuality. I am not conformed to the streets Carter, I stand independent. 

But that never excused the fact that I was constantly there for you. You thought the exchange was good sex but I am fine with or without sex. If anything I ever wanted in return, I thought I would be blatantly honest with you. 

I just wanted you to feel okay. 

No exchange policy in our transaction. If you needed a friend, I am a friend. 

But I admit, the next fourteen days I wrestled with myself. I was torn between convincing you to break up with her or be a friend. 

I am sorry Carter. 

Fifty - fifty, I was both. 

I regret pushing you to her. 

When I said that Carter, it could have gone two ways but I will explain.