Friends with Benefits

8

21 SEPTEMBER 2019

11:41pm.

This is a lot harder for me that it is for you Carter.

One hundred and fourteen days of sleeping together, that was a record for people who were friends with benefits.

I do not think it is healthy at all.

Carter, you are incredibly blessed to have met many women who loved you dearly but you are cursed to not know how to treasure them properly.

Among these one hundred and fourteen days that we were friends, I witnessed every side of you and those faces were the reason why I fell in love with you in the first place. But you are blind and your heart is greedy.

Every day for you is a battlefield. You struggle with making the better decision. For the past month after she left you, I watched you bloom into someone different. I will not lie, seeing you starting to work for different goals lit me up.

You have no idea how little things you do for yourself can carry a cheer in me.

I am proud of you Carter but this time let me be selfish for me.

All the time we spent together, it was always about you. Not once have I yearned for another or touched another because my heart guarded. Even with many other choices, I shut them down because I had you and because we do not even have a label.

Pity. When it came to you, it was never about me. It was about the sex, the company and having me anytime you needed me.

For the fourteen days I was overseas, you went on two dates.

It broke my heart but I had no right. You were not even mine to begin with and for fourteen days. I thought about you, thought about us and thought about the wretched ache from missing you.

How long are we going to be friends with benefits?

Big question. I knew you were never going to ask because I was an easy option you thought you were never going to lose. Wrong move Carter, I am a little tired from the ambiguity of our relationship.

We are friends with benefits?

Then what are we? I don't know.

Honestly, I don't know too.

I saw it coming.

A little while ago, Jacqueline asked me.

What if one day you want to start dating people?

She knew I had kept myself away from viable suitors because of you Carter. To be honest, I knew if I were to keep having you in my life I would never be able to find someone right for me. I was just not ready to face it till she asked me.

We were suppose to casual but I was already committed to you.

I am already in love with you and it was not too late to go back for me. So when we had that conversation Carter, I hope you know how long it took for me to muster such courage. Even so, I still tried to make it about you.

What if one day you want to start dating other people? Will I affect you?

Fantasy on my own part. Thinking I meant something to you. You told me you tried to date but you were not interested. You said at this point you are not stable financially and you do not want to date.

What if I wanted to?

You said you will let me go. But if we were to keep fucking Carter, I would never be able to date someone else. I will always open a door for you and I will keep deluding myself into thinking maybe one day you will look at me.

Wrong choice on your part not to, you missed out on someone who loved you for the fourth time.

You wanted to keep me by your side for as long as you are ready to date.

I will get emotionally attached.

Same. But kissing you feels different somehow.

It's because we keep fucking.

It could be because we keep fucking. I don't know.

I am extremely drained from your 'I don't know' Carter. If you never knew the answer to all these questions, why did you not contain the fire right from the beginning? Now you had created an entire catastrophe and a series of wildfires within me.

I did what I had to.

This time, let me do what I preach. For every loving yourself statement and talking about understanding your self-worth or not letting a man diminish yourself. This time Carter, give it to me this time.

I think we should lay off the fucking for a month or so.

It was the hardest sentence for me to choke out but this sentence will be the victory of my own battle against my feelings for you.

You caged me up for a long time and let me liberate myself.

You were a little down Carter but you will be okay in a day or so.

I cried the next day when I woke up because this meant you might never be in my life every again. For all the hundred and fourteen days of attachment snipped off just like that, it took a piece of my heart.

A little dull on the inside but I will heal.

I am feeling the chains off of my wrist but still my heart aches for you.

You lost someone who loved you.

Maybe in a month we will talk again but who knows?