Friends with Benefits

6

8 AUGUST 2019

Twelfth day.

You came knocking on my door and I went back to you.

Fucked up, I kept making you the cheater over and over again. The deeper you dive into our story, the more you realised how fucked up the both of us were and there was nothing to excuse us for the things we did.

I do not deserve love and it is my fault. I am sorry. I hope you and her find the heart to forgive me for ruining your relationship.

But the biggest irony was on the twelfth day you told me you realised you do not love her enough to not cheat.

But on the fourteenth day, I sat by your bed watching you weep about her when you realised the both of you were done for good. You still had the audacity to tell me a different script.

I love her so much, things were getting better between the both of us.

Bullshit. Fuck you and your fucking bullshit.

In this entire play, you successfully managed to star me as the antagonist.

Fourteenth day, still it hurts to watch you mourn over the loss of someone you had worked hard to win but did not treasure enough to be faithful.

Fourteenth day, it hurts to watch you realise the insatiable void within you slowly devour you but your hands were tied. It pained me as I watched you look towards a bleak end, clueless on how to escape the rabbit hole.

I wished I could do something at that time but I could not heal you. I could not change you and neither could she.

Until you learn how to pick up the shards of your heart and sweep up the shambles of your own life, whoever you are with. It will never be enough.

Learn to heal yourself Carter. No one could do it for you.

Like the three days I was away from you. It took me seventy two hours to let go of you and to understand the art of moving on. It was facing the hideous truth and knowing I made a mistake, comprehending the fact that you were and will never be mine.

Seventy two hours, I was detoxifying myself and I spent those hours praying and replenishing my famished soul. Seventy two hours for me to master the art of being there as a friend and expecting nothing from you.

Still on the fourteenth day, I wished as a friend I knew how to comfort you better. My harsh words turned you away and I wished I had given you soft answers to ease your throbbing heart.

But fuck 8 August.

The day of revelation of how much I actually love you.

With you, I did not have to find a reason to smile. It came naturally.

With you, I did not have to find reasons to love you. They rolled off the tip of my own tongue, a language by itself.

With you, I knew everything else was raw and talking about you or just being with you. That was enough to keep a part of my soul merry.

But still fuck 8 August.

You broke into my own haven and you tidied it up for your own comfort.

During the fourteen days, our scene could have ended on the third day but you were a wretched director who would not let me have it.

Twelfth day was melancholic but third day was bittersweet.

I could have you in my arms, I could kiss you on the lips.

The night was still with starry skies and you watched me get on the car.

Third day Carter, that was how it should have ended but you decided to bring me to the sequel after the fourteen days of distress.

I wished God could save me from the desolation but He was not able to deliver me if you held me captive.